Life may not be all beautiful - but it is worth fighting for

If you think your life is bad and you lose your wills to fight for your life, then read the true stories below:

Story 1: True Inspiration to Choose Life

At 27 in December 1994 - Alison was abducted outside her home by two men who raped, stabbed and disemboweled her, finally slashing her throat 16 times to make sure she was dead. No-one could have believed that anyone with such severe injuries could live but, miraculously, she did.

This is her account on how she could have given up after being left by her assailants to die. Instead, she chose to live - to at least make one last effort to bring those monsters to justice.

"I was 80 metres from the road but if I was to have any chance of survival, I somehow had to get there.

When your throat has been cut from ear to ear, you have no muscles to hold your head forward. So when I stood up, my head flipped over and rested on my back. My insides were also spilling out. So using one hand to hold my head in place and the other hand to keep my stomach together, I half crawled, half staggered toward the road."

I was shivering when I read the story. This should not happen to anyone - if God has mercy. But it did and instead of carrying hate and resentment for the rest of her life, Allison decided to move on with her life.

Today, Alison have written a book, been speaking professionally for several years, got married and given birth to two beautiful children. Her message is - Life is beautiful. Life is worth fighting for . It's not what happens to you, it's what you do with it.

You can visit her website at http://www.alison.co.za/
This story is also included in the book - Happiness in Hard Times, by Andrew Matthew.

Allison lives thousands of miles away and I never see her in person, but in this next story, this happens very near home.

Story 2: Sometimes, we find hero in people who may appear normal or even weak

Let just say - I made a brief acquaintance with a sweet-looking girl of mid-twenties. She holds a Degree and normal executive-level job. Though she is not considered successful in her career yet, but she is working hard towards it.

Behind her struggle towards success, there is a shocking story. When I learned about it, I was very disheartened and angry but at the same time, but I hold much admiration for her - for what she has been through.

One night, when she woke up after a drinking sessions with her boyfriend and his buddies, she found herself in a hotel - in an unspeakable condition. Her drink was spiked and she was raped by around 5-6 guys during that night. And to believe that your boyfriend can do this kind of things to you?

I wonder what is happening to the world we live in. Her boyfriend comes from a wealthy family where his parents have a lucrative business. But who would wonder, they bore such a monster?
I thought about the girl who has gone through such trauma but instead of languishing in her sorrow, she pick up herself and is working hard to become successful. I also thought about other people who are lucky in their life but lack the passions and want to do just enough to get through life halfheartedly.

So, behind the facade of everyone, there maybe another different story - a hero, a nobody or an evil. It is really hard to know sometimes. Because a person who is kind to you may have an evil heart. Or, a person who seems to be rude and loud, may actually be a very nice person inside.

In Chinese saying, you have to - wear "glasses" to "see" people. I am not very good in Chinese , but I think it means you need to see the inner side of a person , not just the surface. Also mean you have to be careful sometimes, even with people who seems close to you. Be aware of things, be smart in choosing who you mix with.

15 Tips to Lead a More Healthy and Less Stressful Life

I wrote this list about a year ago to motivate myself to follow a more healthy life-style. Since then, I added few more items as I learned new tips. Somehow later, I failed to follow my own advice. I hit myself on the head to start again. Then, I failed again. And now I blog about this list to make sure I can stay committed - or hopefully so.

I shared these few tips with Jeffrey too. He acknowledges these are important things to do - that he too wants to start to lead a more healthy and less stressful life. But he failed miserably (much more than I did). I reminded him but saw him failed again. Few days ago, when his health is on the verge of falling apart, he said he will commit again. I said "Let's see". He reminded me about my post "Does it take a lot to give words of encouragement to people you love?". I apologized. He asked me to blog about the list. I remember I wrote the list somewhere in my notes. Maybe it will help to remind him again as he always read my blog.

So, here is the list. You probably know most of these, but just to remind you again.

1. Get enough sleep.

Remember, it is important to get enough rest. Our bodies need to be "shutdown" (I do not mean total shutdown) to recuperate and regenerate. If you are constantly deprived of sleep, you behave differently - groggy, short-tempered, panicky. This affects you and others as well.

2. Sleep and wake up early

For the same number of hours of sleep, sleeping and waking up early is healthier than sleeping and waking up late. Also, when you wake up early, you can start the day without rushing.

While it is important to maintain a consistent sleep pattern, do allow some exceptions sometimes especially on weekends. After all, you should enjoy the freedom of life too. This is not much a healthy tip, but I think it works for me to keep me happy.

3. Learn how to sleep well

Maybe you lay awake for several hours before you can fall asleep. Maybe you toss and turn in your bed during sleep. Maybe you dream a lot in your sleep, making you feel like you have not really slept. Maybe you wake up and still feel very tired. Any of these mean you are not getting enough of good quality sleep.

Actually this is the problem with your mind. While you want to "shutdown" your body, you need to first shutdown your mind ( a good link here). Practice clearing your mind before you sleep. Put all your problems away. I also try listening to some music that purportedly make me sleep more soundly. I think it works sometimes because I feel more refresh during the day.

4. Eat healthy and on time.

Your diet is important - more vegetables, fruits, fiber, less meat, less sugar, etc. in your daily meals. Eat on time, eat less portions but more frequently.

Also, drink your coffee without sugar. I am coffee lover- I cannot do away with coffee. So, the best way I can do is to try to keep away from sugar if I can. Plus, if you are coffee lover, you should love the taste of coffee without sugar.

5. Eat supplements consistently

This is the easiest thing you can do. Add supplements to your shopping list and then just take 1 minute everyday to pop the pills down your throat.

Before I consistently take supplements, I get sick quite often. While I believe supplements are important, some supplements are overly priced and overrated. Thus, I do not think you need to eat very expensive supplements to be healthy. I take Vitamin C and Evening Primrose Oil everyday. They are not very expensive. But I do take bird nest once in a while - that is expensive, but it keeps my body heat up so that I do not feel cold easily. Plus, it supposes to give me better complexion - which I definitely hope so!

6. Exercise

If you say you do not have time for exercise, you are just making excuses! You know you can "make time" for it. It depends on whether you want to or not. Even Barack Obama said he will commit to his weekly gym hours despite the heavy job of overseeing the whole country. You may dread to go to exercise, but trust me, once you do it and keep the routine, you feel much greater than you ever feel before.

I find it hard to commit myself to exercise too. But every time after I finish my session at the gym, I feel so great, so fresh and even my complexion is better - this work faster than bird nest! I find exercise also tests my perseverance - to keep to the exercise routine and even to push my limit further during the exercise.

By the time I finish compiling this list and writing this post, I have gone to the gym 2 times in this week. I feel great and a sense of achievement for keeping to my commitment.

7. Start and maintain a detoxify program

I found this video and article a month ago. I think it is cheap and effective ways to start. I think you should not waste your money on commercial detoxification products before you try this.

8. Get back to nature

Go to lake, forest, garden and any other natures. Have a walk or jog outside (exercise and nature is good combination). If you do not want to exercise, maybe have a picnic, sit down to read a book or just do nothing- except to breath in the fresher air and calm your mind.

9. Give yourself a break from the technology.

Give yourself a break from the technology gadgets and the noise from them once in a while. Close your laptops, computers, and TV - you do not need them all the times. Have a quieter moment for yourself. Light a candle and burn some aroma oil.

Also, you are not on call 24/7. If every time your phone ring and you jump to answer it, you are leading much a stressful and rigid life. Give yourself a break, you do not need to answer all calls immediately. You can always call back later. I know this is getting on some nerves of my friends and family, but sorry - I need peace of my minds sometimes. I sometimes forget to call back too. I apologize for this.

Last week, I saw a couple in a coffee shop. Once they sat down and ordered their coffee, they went into their "silence" mode to "interact" with their own iPhones - all the while (in about an hour) I never see the couple talk to each others - and they are certainly not mad at each other. I find this disturbing and wondering whether we are spending too much time in technology gadgets rather than with people, especially those whom we love dearly.

10. Meditate and start on your spiritual journey.

I am not very religious, but I believe in God and all religions which teach us good things. I believe spiritual practices are very important in our life.

Spiritual practices, including meditation, prayer and contemplation, are intended to develop an individual's inner life; such practices often lead to an experience of connectedness with a larger reality: a more comprehensive self; other individuals or the human community; nature or the cosmos; or the divine realm. Spirituality is often experienced as a source of inspiration or orientation in life. It can encompass belief in immaterial realities or experiences of the immanent or transcendent nature of the world.

11. When you are working, be productive.

When you are working, focus on being productive. Do not chat with friends, read your horoscope, check your personal emails and do other non-work related stuffs. If you are productive during working hours, you can actually leave on time but you still achieve a lot more than others. Leave work on time for at least 3 days a week - this means you can work overtime for 2 days a week if you have to.

Please do not be those lazy bums who are so adamant to insist of leaving on time each days even though there are tonnes of work to do. While you need to keep a balance between work and life, you have certain responsibilities towards your company and even to yourself to maintain high quality in your work. So, if there is really a need for you to work extra hours - there is really no harm for this.

Having a less stressful life does not mean you have to deliver mediocre works. Never settle for mediocrity.

12. Plan and do things in advance.

On each night, take some times to reflect the day - what happen, what had you learn, any mistake that you can correct? Always plan for the next day. Even when you are having a hard times or going through a crisis, planning and living one day at a time can work out well. This is most important even if you have no idea what you want in life or what can happen to you in the next minutes. Even planning the next few hours are good enough.

If you are more blessed, then you can plan your vacation in advance, plan your family time, plan to have your own personal time. Even put these in your work calendar - just mark you are busy.
Plan for next week at the end of each weeks. Plan for next year, plan for next 3 years, and next 10 years. Keep in mind also things do not always happen according to plan. Thus, it is important to have backup plans as well. And be flexible (note item #16 on the list)

On your job, do your reports and time sheet in advance. Do not wait until the last minutes before submission.

13. Do self-talk and focus on what you want

We all know about self-talk - how important to have a positive image of ourselves. We are all living in a world where most people are focusing on negative sides of us- you are lazy, you have not done enough, you are fat, you only think about yourself, you are stupid!

While you need to acknowledge your own weaknesses, you also need to believe and remind yourself this - you do have self-worth and deserve to be happy. So, say this to yourself every morning when you look into the mirror. And don't depend on other people to make you happy!

If you are an unorganized person, say to yourself in your self-talk - "I am an organized person." Focus on what you want to be.

14. Spend times to improve yourself. Embrace Change.

You need to constantly improve yourself and learn new things. In the book "A Class with Drucker" by William A. Cohen, Peter Drucker said this- If you keep doing what worked in the past, you're going to fail.

People or companies that cling to their past successes will eventually fail, sometimes in a spectacular way. Change is inevitable if you are going to stay successful. Be ready to turn on a dime and abandon everything that has made you what you are. Better yet, be a forward thinker and create your own changes and your own future.

So, if you think you do not need to improve because you are already good enough - you are terribly wrong.

I find that we can learn a lot of things from book , from the Internet, from observing people, from others who are willing to teach us and even from those who may be lesser than us in anyway. But learning also means we need to put things we learn into action.

15. Be flexible.

In Happiness in Hard Times, by Andrew Matthew (picture included) , this is the advice on being flexible.
Trying to control the world and judging everyone in it wears you out. Don't argue with what has already happened. Roll with the punches, enjoy life's surprises.

I can write a whole new posting on being flexible because I learn a lot from my own experience. When you are angry and upset when things do not turn out the way you want - when things get delayed, people make blunders, people cutting queue, people breaking their promises, etc. - you are disrupting your own peace of minds and damaging your own health. In most times, you also make the people besides you to be unhappy because of your sullen mood and rage.

I am also guilty - I am angry when things turn out badly. But my anger is more inwards. Instead of straight away lashing out at people and then forget about it, things may boil inside for few days and I harbor resentment towards people who cause me the pain. Now, I learn to let go.

Finally, your mindset and behaviors also count a lot!

I can start a whole new list on this because begin healthy involves having a healthy mindsets and behaving in an appropriate manner. Following are important to work on:

* Have faith in things larger than us.
* Look for good things in our life and be grateful.
* Forgive people - forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
* Practice detachment - detach does not mean you do not care, you can care greatly but be detached from the outcome. Do the best you can do and then let be and let go.
* (the list goes on....)

Finding Grace in a Hurried World

When the woman in front of me at the supermarket check-out line offers to let me go first, I glance at her and then at her trolley. I am carrying a basket with at least 10 items, but hers is not a lot more than mine, maybe 20 - 25 small items, mostly filled with green vegetables. And considering the 2 women in front of us who have their trolleys full of groceries and one of whom is paying with credit card - which means more delays; I cannot understand why she let me to go first.

Thus, I politely decline, "It is okay. You do not have a lot of groceries yourself". I regret the moment I say it. Since stepping into the supermarket, I race from aisle to aisle, picking things into my basket, choosing the fastest queue based on a complex calculations of number of people in the queue, how full are their trolleys and whether the cashiers are aware of what they are doing or just daydreaming. The reason I do not go to the fast lanes is because they have more than 8 persons in the queues in each lines. I swear my heart beat faster than normal on that day.

I do not expect I have second chance, but surprisingly, I do. She offers me again - "You sure you do not want to go first?" she asked. This time, I take the time to look at her carefully. I guess she is in her forties, but she looks very vibrant. She is of medium height and slim build. She wears jean and white blouse with simple floral pattern - I think she manages to look both casual and elegant at the same time. She makes me feel the warmth in my heart- she is not only nice, but genuinely and persistently nice - a gracefulness that is uncommon in this world where everything has to be fast, convenient and self-adsorbed.

This time, I take her offer, grateful for her angelic gesture. As I finish packing the last items to the bag and it is now her turn to unload her things, she smiles as she conveys, "Cannot let others go first again or else I will never have my turn". She looks over the woman behind her to make her point, who is also carrying a basket of items. I smile back at her understandingly. She makes another impression on me for even giving another thought to the woman behind her after she has just let me go first and the fact that she admits freely - things she is not proud of.

I find her grace to be motivating - remind me not to always hurried through things and forget to think about other people beside me. And also, not to forget to act in kindness to people, including those closest to me and even strangers - who may just happen to be behind me in the line.

Does it take a lot to give words of encouragement to people you love even though you might not fully understand or accept them?

Yes, I guess it does for most people. It applies to me as well. I am definitely not at a very comfortable level of giving complements, supports and encouragements to people easily. But I really desire to be much better. I want to be able to do it so easily like I am breathing each day.

I envision one day, my children will look up to me and able to say “My mom is always there to support me even though nobody does.”

The caveat - I know I will not be able to fully understand my children. Times will change everything around us, some generation gaps will appear. I also know at many times in the future, I really think they are doing the wrong things; their actions may even conflict with my principles. I may not be able to believe in their dreams, not able to accepts their friends, partners and lifestyle.

But I want to stay true to one function (among all others) as their mother who loves them tremendously – TO ENCOURAGE and SUPPORT THEM, even when the rest of the world scorn at them, as long as they are not making the world an evil place.

I recently watched “Philadelphia”, a movie produced in 1993 and played by Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington (both actors made a lot of great movies) . Tom played a gay lawyer infected with AIDS, who was fired from his law firm due to the discrimination. So, he engaged another good lawyer (Denzel) to help him sue his previous employer and to fight for his right even though he was nearing the deathbed. It is a touching movie, one that makes you question on how different people perceive each others, perceive what is right and wrong – which there is no absolute right and wrong, except on where you stand to look at it. (In fact, a lot of touching movies do that on different levels – for e.g., another good movie is Crash (2004)).

One scene that really swarms me with emotions and wet my eyes is when Tom Hanks’s family pledge their supports to him, in a way that is so extraordinarily beautiful.

Andy (played by Tom Hanks):
There will be things said at the trial that are hard for you to hear...about me and my personal life.
And there's gonna be publicity. I want to make sure it's okay with everybody.

His brother:
I think it's great that you're asking, Andy…but this is really your call.

Andy:
All right. Thank you, brother.

His brother:
Hey, you're my kid brother.
That's all that matters.
Okay?

Sister:
To be honest, I'm worried about Mommy and Daddy.
They've been through so much already.
And it's possible there are going to be some very tough times ahead.

(Even though the sister was not pledging her support, but notice that she said "I'm worried" not, "You should worry" (sharing what she feels, rather than telling you what you should feel). And she also said "it's possible" because she has no way to know what is going to happen and it is not right for her to judge. See? Small words like these portray a lot of sensitivities.)

Daddy:
Andy, the way that you've handled this whole thing...
you and Miguel...(Miguel is Andy’s gay partner)
with so much courage...

I don't believe there's anything..
that anyone could say that would...make us feel anything but incredibly proud of you.

Mommy:
Well, I didn't raise my kids to sit in the back of the bus.
You get in there and you fight for your rights, okay?

Andy:
Gee, I love you guys.

Incredible, isn't it? Their parents were saying they are proud of their gay son, who contracted AIDS due to his choice of sexuality and probably his own carelessness; the same guy who worked so hard for his company despite his illness, putting himself in danger, only to be fired by the company and now he want to sue the company and putting his whole family in the spotlight and probably embarrassment, as well as putting more stress to himself while he is dying. This story may have been made up but it is definitely a great inspiration.

And, when it comes to inspiration on simple encouragement from the parent, I could almost recite the words from a scene in Pursuit of Happyness (2006) – an meaningful exchange between father and son

Father: Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you... You can't do something. Not even me. All right?

Son: All right.

Father: You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want something, go get it. Period.

I do not think it takes a lot for the speakers to say those words, but the one who receive that, the very same one that may be in difficult situations or greatly discouraged – it means a WHOLE WORLD to them.

But, ask ourselves this - what we usually tend to do in those situations? The answer: We act the exact opposite. We tell our loved one off. We reject them. We shun their ideas. We label them with different names – selfish, stupid, silly, crazy, inconsiderate, etc. And most of all, we want to force our ideas and what we think into them. So that maybe, some where, sometimes in the future, when they realize their mistakes, they would recall what we have told them and we get the satisfaction out of telling them “I told you so but you did not want to follow!”

The irony is – sometimes, when we "fervently warn" the people we love of what we perceive to be mistakes, in some hidden parts in our hearts, we unconsciously wish for them making the exact mistakes that we have warned them, this so to prove ourselves right, whereas our loves for them consciously wish them to be happy and successful – both situations are contradictory like the sun and the rain.

Finally, 10 Rules to remind ourselves on how we should treat them (our loved ones):

1. Remember this - our faith and beliefs can move mountains. So believe and have faith in them because we will help them to move their mountains.

2. When we find them deciding or acting on things that are probably going to be some sort of mistakes, do NOT find 10 things out of the situation to prove we are right, find just 1 thing to prove we can be wrong and stick to that only.

3. Prepare to support and give them a shoulder to cry on when they really fail. Do not feel it is right to retract that because they have not follow our advices.

4. If we feel the urge to say something that sound like “I told you so…” – bite our tongues and just keep that to ourselves. FOREVER.

5. Don’t force our opinion and judgment on them most of the times. We have the right to say what we feel and think but those are just our feelings and opinions, NOT theirs.

6. Remember this – even though we are the more experienced, older and/or smarter people, accept that we may also be wrong sometimes. To Err Is Human.

7. Remember what Peter Drucker said “If You Keep Doing What Worked in the Past You’re Going to Fail” – so do not expect others (especially our children) to follow what we have done last times even though we have proven records of success.

8. Always stand by them, even though when they are wrong sometimes. They need us to be their loved one, NOT the judge, NOT the police officer, NOT the priest and NOT the executor. Everyone will be judged by God eventually.

9. Remember that our loved ones have their other loved ones as well – for e.g. our partner has other loved ones like parents, siblings, friends, relatives, mentors, etc; our parent has other loved ones like their parents, their other children and grand children. It is a very complex relationship. Be understanding and do not demand and measure amount of love and attention among each others and do not criticize and reject the loved ones of our loved ones (sound complex, I know).

10. Love them for who they are, not who we want them to be.

Warning: Do not overdo this, else we will be too pampering, which create another set of problems.

Re-engineering myself to be more assertive

My poorly designed assertiveness engine is failing me. It needs re-engineering, but it is going to be an arduous challenges ahead.

I remember I used to reminisce a lot about an incident with my old friends. Two of us were having an intense arguments with my other friend. I did not remember now what it was all about, but I do remember 2 of us spent a long time explaining to our opponent why our choice is better. Our opponent sat calmly across us, listening to our arguments. Our spirits were strong, our stands undeterred, almost hostile. After we were finished with our arguments in what seemed like a long time, our dear friend just said one thing in an unperturbed manner. "I still think my choice is better". As much as we were amazed by her answer, we felt the strong urge to reach over and strangle her. All throughout the argument, we were certain she was going to agree with us. Our argument was very logical and it was 2 against 1. Even the pitch of our voice and enthusiasm were on much grander scale. But, I daresay, we ended up losing big time to her. We wasted our time, our energy and even our ego to persuade her into joining our beliefs. Not only she was not persuaded, she also never disagreed with us or spent as much energy to argue back.

She is, as I realize it now, the Master of Assertiveness.

I used to misunderstand assertiveness as being able to prove your point or invalidate other people's points of views. I also thought speaking assertively means having a certain elegant air and tone to your voice that make you sound like when you are giving public speech to thousands of people. Indeed, as I begin to learn more, assertiveness means more than that.

So now, these are the re-engineering programs that I need to put back to my assertiveness engine:

1. I refuse to be pushed or manipulated by other people.

At one time, my HR manager handed me a legal document and asked me to sign and give back to him on the same day because he was pressed by the Global HR Manager from the head office. I knew briefly about what the document is about beforehand, but not the detailed terms and conditions. I obliged and it was a huge mistake, one that came back to haunt me many times. Later, I found out that it is actually illegal for people to pressure me to sign legal documents without sufficient times for me to think about it. Also, I should have consulted people who knew the legality matters more than me. I should have stand by my right, to say I would not sign the document on that day itself, insist to take back the document and to hell with what the local or global HR manager think of me.

Several other times, people would say something that make me feel either guilty or scared to lose what I am having. These are to make me do things for them, against my will. For example, things like "You will be mean to do things like this. ", "You have changed. You used to be very obliging and helpful", "I am in trouble. How you cannot understand my situation and help me?", "If you do not improve, I would give this chance to others. ", "Things are always been done this way." and "If you really want your money back, I would do anything to get it for you, even borrowing from illegal parties."
These are all pushing and manipulation.

I am done with being pushed around or manipulated anymore. It is time for me to say NO and stick to it.

2. I have my rights to my own judgment and opinion.
If what I have done or think is wrong, it really does not matter to anyone other than myself as long as I do not hurt other people. I have the right to voice my opinion and judgment. I do not need to care whether people think I am wrong or stupid or selfish. It really does not matter unless the person who think I am wrong are person who are dear to me.

3. I can accept criticism without getting crushed.

I would respond well and accept criticism. I do not need to argue with people criticizing me, even if it is not true. Other people have their rights to their views also. If they say the grass is blue, maybe someone has sprayed some blue paints over their grass or maybe they are wearing blue-tinted glasses. Or even maybe there are actually blue grass growing somewhere near the northern Atlantic where no people live (yes, grass instead of ice) . From what I see and where I have seen it, the grass has always been green to me. I do not need to argue that with them.

Actually, so what if some people think I am not a NICE person. I just get a bit fed up of being a nice person. A person that shout at you in anger may not be NICE, but a person that gossip about you behind your back is EVIL.

On the other end, if you say my fart is aromatic, I would say "Thank you for telling me that. I shall let you smell it more often then."

4. I do not need to have reasons or excuses to justify my behavior.

I always feel the urge to give reasons or excuses when people tell me my behavior is such-and-such, which is unacceptable. While I usually do not lie, I find that coming up with the reasons and excuses, while it is not always difficult, is actually detrimental to my well-being. It also makes me defensive most of the times.

For e.g., if you reprimand me for forgetting to turn off the light, I would say, hey, I did turn off the light 99.9% of the time. This is just one time I forget, more or less. And we were in such a hurry that I forgot. Cannot blame me. Also, why it is always have to be me who need to turn off the light when we leave? Anyway, how much money we can lose leaving the lights on for few hours?
Okay, in this case, "Yes, I forgot to turn off the light." will suffice. If there are more arguments, here is how I would respond:

A: Why you are so silly to forget to turn off the light?
Me: Yes, I am so silly to forget to turn off the light.
A: Have you no brain at all?
Me: Yes, I have brain, but I guess I do not have enough brain to turn off the light.
A: Do you know how much money we lose every month because you do not turn off the light?
Me: I do not know, but I guess it will be quite an amount.

Being assertive does not mean I cannot admit my mistake or say something bad about myself. Just say it without justifying with reasons or excuses.

On a lot times, people will disagree with your view points. Then you say, of course, I am saying this happens under such and such circumstances, not all the time. Or, something like you say people need to be firm. But someone say, you cannot do that. You need to be soft on people with terminal illness. So, you start by saying, people need to be firm unless dealing with people with terminal illness, kids under 1 year old, mentally retarded people, etc. The list will never end.

I have this problem too- trying to explain but I find by saying "Yes, I understand" when people say things to contradict you is good enough. And yes, there are always exceptions and you cannot cover it ALL.

5. I do not need to put myself in other people's shoes all the time.

So what if my HR manager get scolded if I did not sign and submit my document at the same day? Why do I have to care about his ass getting screw while I screw my own ass by signing that document in haste?

Remember the story at the beginning of the "7 Habits of Effective People"? It describes a situation about a man and his bunch of kids making noises and irritating all people at the place. Then, the author found out that the man had just lost his wife and the kids, their mother. So, he was too distraught to discipline his kids. I always remember that story. The moral of the story is to empathize with people. Sometimes, it may not be what it seems at first. Put yourself on other people shoes.

But, what I find also is there are also a lot of annoying people with no care for other people in this world. So, if someone is making a hell of your world, it does not necessarily means their wife or dog have just died and they are too helpless.

Sometimes, I believe I am too soft on people, especially on my subordinates last time because I always give them excuses when they fail themselves or me. I give myself excuses to fail too. This is bad, so being assertive should help.

Let's say, someone cut the queue to buy cinema tickets.

Me: Miss, you are cutting the queue. Please line up.
Q: Oh, is it? I am sorry. I am in a hurry.
Me: I am in a hurry too. Will you queue up please?
Q: Really, I need to get these tickets as soon as possible.
Me: Really, I think you should queue up.
Q: No, you don't understand.
Me: Yes, I do not understand. I still think you should queue up.
Q: But, I have cancer and going to die. I need to get this ticket now to watch this movie.
Me: (Amazed) I really think you should queue up even if you are dying tomorrow. Everyone is going to die too. At least you still have today and you need to queue up too.
Q: No, I am dying in about an hour, probably while watching this movie. But I really wish to watch this movie before I die.
Me: (Caught by surprise) In that case, I really think you should get your ticket right now. In fact, you can have my tickets too. Or, even you can buy the whole lot of tickets so that you have the cinema by yourself.

Again, being assertive does not mean that I need to be right till the end. Empathizing with other people is important too. (Ooppps, I am doing it again, explaining the exceptional case that can invalidate my views. But if I do not do this, I probably get a comment saying that I need to be more empathizing, of which I already know empathy is good and need to be practiced, but just NOT at ALL TIME.)

Photo courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu

Our Monkeys-Hamsters

Sometimes, small things in life can really brighten up your day and lighten your heart, like a baby smiling at you, a small child greeting you with smiles, a shy little boy glancing at you, and of course, to watch monkey tricks from the cute little hamsters.

Thus, I can't resist to upload the videos of these monkeys to share with you all.

Warning: Do not try this at home. These hamsters receive special training! (Though I am not really sure where they get their trainings.)

Monkey 1



Monkey 2




Monkey 2 (Continued)

When we really love someone

When we really love someone, we always strive to give the very best to them. We even willingly sacrifice ourselves or give up on things. Most of the time, we love them based on what we perceive how they want to be loved. But, is that really how they want to be loved? I guess, maybe not.

I read somewhere about this a while ago. Tests were performed on couples where they need to choose which furniture design they think their partners might like. The result is intriguing - most of them were wrong. When asked what make them choose the design - it is because they like it, so they assume their partners like it too. The conclusion of the test is most of us think our partners like what we like. Or, our partners are very much like us.

I remember clearly about a story I saw in a movie many years ago. The story is set in the early time in China.

Chang is a high-ranking government officer, a judge in court. But he is corrupted and much-hated in his community where he services. He takes every bribes offered by the riches and easily twists the justice in court. However, despite all that, beneath him is a very kind man who just want to be a "normal" officer as non-corrupted officers are very rare back then and can easily be out of the job due to political reasons (somehow, it maybe quite the same now) . In fact, behind the scene, he secretly help people and becomes the masked hero to the people. No one suspects he is the masked hero - to everyone, he is very far from being a hero.

Even his soon-to-be wife, Jen, a demure and very likable girl in the neighborhood, is kept in the dark. But, somehow, Jen does see something beyond what other people see - the kindness in him that she knows one day will be shown to the people. So, she stands by him no matter how many people oppose him and question her why she wants be with a man like Chang. She hopes, one day, Chang can change his corrupted ways and turn into a respected man.

But soon, with so many things against them, things turn more nasty and they eventually break up. Despite that, their love still remain. The once strong waves that they have been through suddenly become calm. Everything is calm but also lifeless.

One day, they bump into each other again on the street and decide to have dinner together at their old favorite stall. And their favourite order is a bowl of wanton dumplings noodles for each. When the bowls of fresh hot soup noodles arrive, out of habit, Jen begins to take out 4 wanton dumplings out of 6 from her bowl to pass to Chang's. But before she reaches, she paused momentarily, in awkward realization that she should not be doing that anymore. Chang catches her act, and smile awkwardly too. Jen then takes back her dumplings and they begin on their meals.

Either it is to break the silence or the awkwardness of the situation, Jen reveals to Chang how she actually like to eat the wanton dumplings. Due to her love for him, she wants to sacrifice her favorites to give the best to him. Chang is so shocked by the revelation, that he pauses for a moment, and then burst out laughing. Now, it is Jen's turn to be shocked. Chang quickly reveals that he actually does not really like the wanton dumplings and prefer the noodles and the flavour of the soups. He thought that Jen must have feel the same and want to get rid of her wanton dumplings. All those whiles, by eating all the dumplings, he always becomes very full and it sometimes make his stomach uneasy. He has always wondered why Jen never bother to ask the waiters to reduce the dumplings during orders if she does not really like them.

Though it is ironic to learn that after such a long time being together, but both are very relieved to know these in the ends. They both wonder why they never share these little simple preferences when they were together and just assume that the other person feels and like the same things. Though this is just an misunderstanding on a very small thing, but it is also an indication on how they can wrongly perceive each others' love and sacrifices at times.

Making sacrifices and doing something that we do not really like doings for our loved ones are very admirable and important in a relationship. So are the basic things like hugging, kissing and intimacy. But, on top of that, are these challenges:
1) to find out and understand how our other halves really want to be loved.
2) sometimes, all it takes is ASK.
3) accepts the fact that they are different from us or even different from other people we know
4) accepts there are nothing wrong with them being different from us
5) do things for them which they really like.
6) let them do things that they like even though you do not like

Sometimes, it requires you to not be "yourself". Sometimes, it requires you to get out of your comfort zone. These are all very unique in each relationship and for different couples - means it is totally different situations with your ex and with your current.

The finding and understanding part is the most challenging. And often than not, it takes a long period of observation and probably have to go through a lot of misunderstandings to finally come to the right understanding. Then, it comes to the equally important part - accepting who they are and being able to compromise.

Photo Credit : Stock.xchng

In the story just now, Chang and Jen reunite in the end after they go through a whole cycle of learning how differences they are and yet how similar they are in misunderstanding each other.
Chang also becomes the true hero in this community when his honorable deeds are finally revealed. A fairy-tale story but there are things to learn from too - when you really love someone, just loving them may not be enough - love them the ways they want to be loved.