Know Thyself

Have you try any personality tests? 

I have tried Myers-Briggs Personality (MBTI) and Dominance-Influence-Steadiness-Conscientiousness (DISC), Herrmann Brain Dominance Instrument (HBDI), Audio-Visual-Kinesthetic and even some animals categories - Hare-Tortoise-Owl-Squirrel. I have also done my Enneagram test 2 months ago and re-did my DISC profile (And I got different profile result this time). In Enneagram, I am called a Four - The Individualist from the nine personality types. Below is one of the reminder note for me as a four.

The overall keynote of Fours is subjectivity. In order to keep their sense of self alive, Fours need to have a personal and emotional resonance with their experiences. They therefore "take everything personally," and for better or worse, often invest meaning or find intention where there is none. Notice today when you are taking everything personally. 

Thus, this is my favourite prayer to help me when I am taking things too personally until it hurts:

Dear God, please help me. This is it. Right here. There is where the sword enters my heart. This is where I blow it every time. 

I read occasionally what it tells about my Greek Zodiac (I am an Aries) and Chinese Zodiac. Recently, I also have my BaZi profiling done on my career and relationship. BaZi tells me when are the years I most likely to find my pot of gold or find the right man to have a relationship. It seems I need to be a bit more patient for both.

Now, I wonder how much I traverse the road of knowing myself. 

How many more tests out there that are attempting to tell us more about ourselves but also put us in different categories?

If there is only one certain distinction that any test can tell for me, I would be categorised to those who always need to find out about things. (Now, you can take a guess at my DISC personality). Sometimes I feel I am taking it too broad, may be shallow. Sometimes, I think I am diving too deep. I am constantly curious - I accept that fact. I am really passionate about learning. I feel alive when I am gaining knowledge and become wiser.

But I found the more I learn, the more I know that I know nothing. Okay, that came from Socrates. It is a proof that wisdom and generalised principle can really transcend space and time. I am talking about what Socrates believe more than 2000 years ago is still applicable up to these days. It certainly resonates with me and I think it does with a lot of people.

Perhaps when we meet a divine and transcendent guru, and we ask him questions, most probably we will NOT get direct answers. A lot of things are neither black nor white. A lot of things are not set in stones. It comes from where we are looking at it. A Course in Miracles says Only Love is real. All others that are negatives are just illusions. And we are surrounded by illusions until we surrender to love. And I just learnt from Money and You program that Clarity Leads to Power. I know now that no matter how complex things are, there are always some generalised principles that govern everything.

I do not need to know everything to know all things.

I think I am getting it. Things are getting clearer for me. I am really starting to know myself. I don't really know it, but I can feel it.

How about you? What do you think? Do you know yourself?

How to Stop Missing Your Ex

Your inane hand reaches out to the phone for a hundred times. No! Don’t call him! Your mind shouts at you. You realize you need a better deterrent …… besides breaking your phone. Filled with determination, you change his contact name to “Do Not Call !”. Ingenious, you tell yourself.

But you find yourself helplessly texting him later.  So, you change his contact to “Do Not Call or Text!”.

Then, there is another problem. He continues to pop into your head regularly. Sometimes it seems like he is peering through your skull, examining your brain like a doctor. Finally, you scream at him. “Get out of my head! Don’t you dare come without my permission!” . He answers innocently and impassively “Actually, I never ask to be here”. And you know that is very true. You do that to yourself. So, you resort to feeling stupid and out of control.

Maybe you have done nothing of that sort before. But I did ALL of those.  

Why is it so difficult to control your emotion and act sensibly when you are going through a breakup? It is like you are walking on the rope between 2 cliffs with no safety harness. You are not willing to fall and die, yet you know it is so easy to overthrow your balance. Keep walking! It is almost there to Safety! Your soul tells you. Yet, you cannot even see the finishing line. It is all cloudy and blurry. How long do I have to continue like this, you ask.

Until you can imagine you already reached the other cliff, the safe haven of joy. And feel like that too. Yes.

Imagine Your Future Healed Self!

Thus, I would like to share with you 2 personal recipes that I created to walk through that rope to the other cliff. I guarantee no falling and you’ll even enjoy the walk on the rope like you are walking on a beach!

1st Personal Recipe: 1-2 Year from now, this won’t matter that much as now.

I asked myself these series of questions in my mind.  I crafted these based on the NLP language pattern and these had helped me a lot to put me in a new perspective. But try this with care, as it messed up my mind a little last time, until I became much smarter.

What would it be like in the future, 1 to 2 years from now, when I have already gotten over the infatuation, that I no longer see him as my desired object, now in the future, as I look back and see what it was like to have had that problem of being so infatuated with him without any valid reason, as I think about it now.

Didn’t I have an infatuation before? And after 1 or 2 years I totally know it was actually an infatuation even though when I was in it, I did not know and thought it was love and he was the one?

Didn’t I ever break-up with someone and be totally fine after that?

I know I will get over the feeling soon. Why wait?

I will know one day in the future, I won’t see him or feel anything like I am feeling now? Why not put myself in the future now and look back?

Right now, as I am going to be in 1 or 2 years later, I am feeling completely neutral towards him.

I shall set myself free. And I set him free.

2nd Personal Recipe: When I am 80 years old, I know I’ll treasure the experience with him

I got this idea from the animation movie, Howl’s Moving Castle. (By the way, I absolutely, passionately, and fabulously love Studio Ghibli. Watching its movies was one of the most amazing things that I treasure in my life.)

In this movie, Sophie was turned into an 80-years-old woman by a spell cast by a witch. She was therefore forced to embark on a new journey to find the cure. Despite hunching, wobbling, wincing while walking through the tough journey, she found that at her age, there was nothing she could be afraid anymore. Sophie then met Howl, a very handsome guy whom she met once and was very attracted to. But accepting the fact that she was 80 years old, she did not even think about any mutual attraction. She then focused on doing what she needed to do to stay alive, find the cure and be as happy and normal as can be- that includes cleaning Howl’s castle, having a fun time with another lovely kid – cheekily but motherly and sitting by the beautiful lake, drinking tea. That was a very serene scene that I like the most. And she even became feistier – maybe that will happen when one does not care about other opinions.The story ended when she realized she really loved Howl and would do anything for him without hoping for any return. Maybe because of the unconditional love, she broke the curse and turned back to her own youthful self.

So, I imagined what would be like an 80-years-old like Sophie. It made me feel immediately, things that matter a lot to me now, will not matter so much when I am 80-years-old, and I will treasure the experience. I also know that when I am 80, I am going to look back at this heartbreak episode and laugh at myself so hard that all my teeth will come loose.

In fact, the 2 personal recipes I shared here not only work for your heartbreak, but it can work for anything else in your life when you are feeling  negative – sad, angry, foolish, etc… Try these out!

Namasté.

This is reblog from http://f5bulous.com/2013/01/23/how-to-stop-missing-your-ex-and-beating-yourself-up-my-personal-recipes/ 

A Great Inspiration from an Amazing Kid

It is not every day we run a race, speak in public or pitch to a client. We probably struggle and stumble a little in the quest to win - either a race, a speech contest or the million-dollar deal.

But for Matt, as shown in this video, we can easily be tearful and inspired by how hard he worked to finish his race; and the love and support shown by people around him. Love is indeed the greatest gift in the world.

Interview with Dr. Hew Len – Ho’oponopono

Have you hear about Ho’oponopono and Dr. Hew Len?

Dr. Hew Len was a psychologist who healed a ward of mentally ill criminals using Ho’oponopono.

More on this story here:
http://rosariomontenegro.hubpages.com/hub/How-Dr-Hew-Len-healed-a-ward-of-mentally-ill-criminals-with-Hooponopono
http://www.wanttoknow.info/070701imsorryiloveyoujoevitale

In this interview, Dr. Hew Len explained to us:
Data is what is running us. It is at the root of what we experience. Change that within yourself and the outer world changes. Most of the time we are using dead information.

And take 100% responsibility!

Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life – simply because it is in your life – is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation.

How do you heal yourself with Ho’oponopono? Three steps: by recognizing that whatever comes to you is your creation, the outcome of bad memories buried in you mind; by regretting whatever errors of body, speech and mind caused those bad memories, and by requesting Divine Intelligence within yourself to release those memories, to set you free. Then, of course, you say thank You.

• I love you.

• I'm sorry.

• Please forgive me.

• Thank you.

Suffice it to say that whenever you want to improve anything in your life, there's only one place to look: inside you.And when you look, do it with love. 

Life of Pi – The Spiritual Adventure

When I finished watching Ang Lee’s film Life of Pi, I immediately jumped on the book like the hungry Richard Parker and Pi after being stranded in the sea for 227 days. I wanted more than what I had just gotten from the movie.

I could not agree more that the cinematography was stunning beyond any description. I said this, not only because I could save the effort of raking my dictionary to search for some divine words to describe it, but even that would not do enough justice. I also loved the soul searching and faith testing plot punctured with some humour. When the curtain went down, I was too stunned until I was literally transfixed in my chair, wondering what the hell was going on the screen for the past 2 hours. Maybe my brain was too slow for the 120 frames-per-second technology?

Thus, my journey on the award-winning and best-selling book began.


As with my previous experience, I had mostly enjoyed the books better than the movie adaptations. I believe the movie version of “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Memoir of Geisha” did not do the book justice. Elizabeth Gilbert and Arthur Golden are both astounding and amazing in their storytelling. But “Twilight Saga” movies are better because of Robert Pattinson. But despite Stephanie Meyer’s creativity, I still prefer Elizabeth Gilbert’s witty and bewitching style. Even as a Twilight fan, I bemoaned the fact it dragged quite a bit in the movie as much as in the book.

But Yann Martel is a marvel and a true master. He is superb and spectacular in his story telling and twisting.His words are never dull even when he was describing the slowest animal on the planet. He made the zoo came alive and all the animals jumped up and down for me. Yann Martel has a gift to make the mundane memorable, routine enjoyable, eccentric comprehensible, and the norms questionable.

I especially like the idea of the general perception that animals should be roaming free and wild in the jungle instead of being caged and restricted in the zoo. If that is the case, do we humans want to be chased out of our houses and roam freely in the jungle, expected to be eaten at any seconds? His metaphor is right on and it begs to challenge all our conventional thinking. And what about the uniqueness and differences between all the 3 religions that Pi embraced? Pi quoted Mahatma Gandhi  on All religions are true and asked a question comparing nation and passport respectively to God and religion –  If there is only one nation, won’t all passports will be valid?

And of course, one will never contemplate in a million lives to be stranded on a boat with a Bengal tiger. But instead of being a foe, the tiger became a saviour in the sea of emptiness. It is another metaphor for us to embrace our darkness because it can be our saviour and teacher when accepted as part of us. (By the time, I completed this post, I just finished reading “The Shadow Effect – Illuminating the Hidden Power of Your True Self” and I realized this statement is very true)

And with most fictional books and movies, the ending gave us a twist and dwell on the uncertainties that are open to our interpretation based on our individual belief. I feel Life of Pi delivered this feat in a unique and truly successful way. Just a tiny speck of uncertainties, the ending was fulfilling and also left a question to ponder on.

Life of Pi, as I conclude, is a quest for freedom, told in a refreshing and emboldening way.

Since reading “Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho, I felt I probably won’t find another great storyteller who seems to be able to weave the depth of spirituality into a story of an adventure in life.

Life of Pi changed my thought.

This is also posted to http://f5bulous.com/2013/01/14/life-of-pi-the-spiritual-adventure/

Heartbreak – Then and Now

Heartbreak sucks.

When my mum threw away my beloved Little Pillow which was with me for 17 years, I was insanely heartbroken.

Little Pillow to me was like an iPad to kids nowadays. Even the size was so alike. But Little Pillow was lighter, fluffier and wouldn’t break down when I threw him around. Little Pillow was cuddly and balmy and as the cliché goes, I slept with it, play with it, eat with it, pee with it, shit with it. I was obsessed with its smell so much that I insolently forbid my mum to wash it except the several times when I wetted my bed. By the time I was 17, my mum have gotten very worried. Though I was not carrying Little Pillow around then, but I swore we would be together till death did us apart. I was even planning to bring Little Pillow to my marriage bed. My mum said that would be shameful and tried to persuade me to dump Little Pillow. I retorted that my future husband wouldn’t mind – probably the start of my distressing and disastrous journey with men, my poor evaluation of which got me into trouble, REALLY BIG trouble.  My smarter mum eventually threw Little Pillow when I was out in the college.

When I realized that, I was devastated. In a million years, I wouldn’t have expected him to disappear without saying goodbye. Still, the feeling of the unwilling separation aka being dumped was salt to my broken heart.

I certainly had an experience of being dumped. It sucked the energy out of me and I got drained and thrown down to a dark deep dirty well and left alone, afraid and clueless how to get out. But it was also at these times, I learnt to live with the darkness, see clearer despite the darkness and find ways to reach the light beyond the darkness. It was a mind-boggling, spiritual and soul-searching experience that made me grow into a better person.

It was easy to launch angry birds at the other parties, reveling on their falls and explosions into the thin air. But my most recent heartbreak taught me more about acceptance, forgiveness and self-worth. And because I gain all my self-worth and forego my pride, I was able to see my own mistakes I made in the relationship that were causing the problem (I’ll share more on this in later posts). Of course, if he was a relationship guru like Anthony Robbins or Dr John Gray, we probably would be able to swerve the winding paths without overturning the car. But he was just a man who was trying to take baby steps in a relationship and was not prepared to handle the emotional flood. I was foolish. He was obtuse. We would have made a wonderful albeit odd couple.

Like the Little Pillow episode, I have gotten over it and moved on with my life. One thing for sure about heartbreak is time always heals. But another more important thing, as Gary Zukav said, eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.

I love falling in love,
Susan

Stay tuned for more on heartbreak and how to heal. And love.

Notes:I am also blogging at http://www.f5bulous.com or http://f5bulous.wordpress.com
This is also posted under http://f5bulous.wordpress.com/2012/12/24/heartbreak/

The Most Amazing Human Being is Me (and You too!)

I am super ecstatic and enthusiastic today. Why?

I just completed my 3-days fruit diet for my detox program. Yes, I survived only on fruits and fruit juices for the past 3 days. No coffee also, just green tea. The only thing that slipped was 4 meagre pieces of biscuits which I took on first and second days. That’s all. I am so proud . I am strutting with joy.

And today, I am free. I dived into my breakfast and lunch with strong waves of appreciation and gratitude.

I feel like an ingenious Goddess, fearless Warrior and vibrant Vixen. And I feel the strong urge to tell the world about this.

Seriously?

Yes.
Who need to be self-effacing, when my power, charm, capabilities and abilities are so divine and sublime?

Okay, now I went overboard with my self-praise. ** LOL **

Food (Yummy!) for thought:

1. Have you given yourself enough credit that you deserve?
2. Do you know how awesome and fabulous you are?
3. Need a reminder every day?
   Subscribe to this http://www.tut.com/ and you will start receiving encouraging message from the Universe every day.
   Believe me, I look forward to the email every single day. They are the elixir for my soul!

This is my first powerful message from The Universe which prompt me to subscribe to the mailing list. A blessed and blissful serendipity, indeed!

For all things and non-things that you may ever want, Susan, understand that sometimes the fastest way to get them is to forget them, and to focus instead on just being the most amazing human being you can be. At which point all of your heart’s desires, spoken or unspoken, will be drawn to you more powerfully than a magnet is drawn to steel.

Who would you be without your story?

“I am confused and saddened by my family because they judge me.”

“So, parents should not judge their children. Is that true?” Katie, a 60-plus-years-old soft-and sweet spoken woman, asked Justin who had started “The Work”.

“Oh, Gosh.” Justin murmured as he realized he could not answer yes, despite the strong urge to prove himself right.

“Can you absolutely know that’s true?” Katie asked the second question.

Justin paused in incoherence and finally admitted in a low voice “No”.

“And the job of a parent, the job of everyone in this world is to judge. That’s our job. Everything is a judgement. Give me a thought that is not a judgement. It is a sky. That is a judgement. It is what we do. Parents should not judge their children. What is the reality? Do they?”

 “Yes.”

“That’s their job. How do you react when you think that thought? My parent is not supposed to judge me.” Katie continued her third question.

“It weakens me. I felt terrified.”

“How do you treat your parent when you think that thought? I want you to stop judging me and they do it.” Katie probed further on her third question when Justin was at loss of words.
“I rebel and become distance.”

“Honey, this is insanity. People should stop judging people. What planet do you think you are on?!” Katie dramatized on purpose. The audience laughed. “You come to planet earth, you judge. That’s it!”

“Who would you be without this thought - I want my parents to stop judging me?” The fourth and final question from Katie.

“I will have inner peace.”

“So, honey, turn it around.” The final step in "The Work".

“I am confused and saddened because I judge me.” 

“There is another one.” Katie urged Justin.

“I am confused and saddened by me because I judge my family.”

A final revelation and Justin confessed softly but firmly “Yes”.

Katie continued with her explanation “I strike a deal with you. When you stop judging them, then go talk to them about judgement.”

"That’s true."

“When you stop doing what you want them to stop doing, let’s talk. Maybe a while. I stop judging that my parents should stop judging. Now, read the other one.” Katie instructed. 

Justin started on the second item in his list he had written down “I want my family to be who they are and not limit their love and attention….”

“They are who they are,” Katie interjected, “They limit their love and attention and they judge.”. Everyone in the audience seemed to be laughing by then. Justin laughed and affirmed “Okay.” He knew he was "defeated" in his judgement and his needs to be right, but he felt relieved and lighthearted. He began to grasp “The Work”.

Byron Katie is not a therapist, counselor or religious leader. Through her work, which she simply called “The Work” teach people to end emotional suffering. She instructs people to write down their troublesome thoughts and then start the 4 questions and turnaround process, like what she did with Justin.

And then you will gain the insight from Katie:

Reality is not going to wait for your permission. No, you lose.
Arguing with “what is” is like teaching a cat to bark. Hopeless.

I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn't believe them, I didn't suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always” 

And these are from her website:

Who would you be without your story?

The Work of Byron Katie is a way of identifying and questioning the thoughts that cause all the anger, fear, depression, addiction, and violence in the world. Experience the happiness of undoing those thoughts through The Work, and allow your mind to return to its true, awakened, peaceful, creative nature.

I am intrigued by Katie’s work after listening to her audio program. It is very therapeutic and enlightening. She also claimed “The Work” can help us to forgive 100%. 100% is a big achievement and a huge breakaway. So, I tried that. I am still not sure if it works that well. I probably need to do more work.

But I do find the turnaround powerful. For those who are angry with others  “I am angry because she is so selfish” turnaround into “I am angry because I am so selfish”. Aren't we all selfish? We are, in varying degrees. For those who experience unrequited love - “He/She should love me” become “I should love me”.  Welcome to the world! Nobody owes you anything, so nobody should do anything for you unless they really want it. It’s not your job to like me – it’s mine, as Katie put it.

And for answering the powerful question such as “Who would I be without my stories?” I need to define that as those limiting beliefs, those things about other people that I cannot change, and those critical and belittling voices.

My answer: I will be more carefree, confident, passionate, peaceful, positive, loving and enlightened.

Sounds good to me to discard my stories. Start with a clean state. Forgive 100%. Move forward, lighter and merrier.

So, who would you be without your story?

Image credited to http://www.everypathis.org/

How do you define the purpose and function of your love partner?

My ex said:
The purpose and function of my woman is to keep our house clean and tidy as well as keep me well fed with home-cooked meals. Those are the only 2 things I demand and there is strictly no negotiation.

These were reasonable demands except for me; it was really like asking me to climb a tree with one arm. It was clearly disastrous!

Then we spent a lot of times pondering why I failed when most women can do these well with ease.

There were a train of reasons:
I was pampered too much before. It was really easy to fall back to my old bad habits. I always forgot here and there. I was busy. I was lazy to change. I just did not put my heart and soul to it. I just did not care enough for him to change.

It was already stressful for me to try to live up to a standard that I was so bad to start with. But with all these speculations on why I was so awkward compared to other women, it really flushed down my self-esteem to the drain. All of these left a huge strain to our relationship.

Nevertheless, I also realized it was for my own good to learn those skills. I used to think the solution to my problem was to hire a maid. But, we were then talking about the basic survival. Without any help from other people, I need to be able to take care of myself and my family.

So, with much perseverance, I got much better.

It solved a lot of our problems.

But then, there were MANY other problems with us.

For him, the problems are mostly with me.

For me, he is the one who create a lot of problems because he likes to find problems with me.

I have to admit I do have a lot of problems. But I have tried my hardest to improve. If trying the hardest is not enough, then I got to accept that things were not working out. With due respect, I am glad I have given it many tries and I am forever thankful to him for making me become better in a lot of things. Eventually, I have to accept who I am and get on with my life. It took a lot of heartaches and I kept wondering why our relationship could not work out even though I put all my heart on it.

Then, unexpectedly when I was not really looking for answers, I found them. It provides a profound realization and another perspective to what he asked of me and why I always seemed to fail him.

In his book “The road less travelled”, Dr. Scott Peck heard one man of the couples group stated that the purpose and function of his wife is keep their house neat and keep him well fed. He was aghast by that statement and he called it blatant male chauvinism.

What surprised him was most people gave similar answers to the “purpose and statement” of their partners. They define the purpose and function of their wives or husbands in reference to themselves and fail to perceive that their own mates might have an existence basically separate from their own or any kind of destiny apart from their marriage.

He said “it’s no wonder that you are all having difficulties in your marriages, and you’ll continue to have difficulties until you come to recognize that each of you has your own separate destiny to fulfil.” I cannot agree more.

He then proceeded to declare the purpose of his wife, Lily - is to grow to be the most of which she is capable, not for my benefit but for her own and to the glory of God.

I could not believe how different it was between Dr. Scott's views against the one that was set upon me before. I felt a lot of anguish for being coerced and measured against some criteria set by someone who declared his love for me. I could not stop crying for a while because I realized then with all the soul, I have a deep desire to have my loved one define my purpose and function is to grow to be the most which I am capable, not for anyone benefit but for my own and to the glory of God.

Someone who realize that each of us have separate destiny to fulfill.

Image Courtesy of iStockphoto.com

My Life over Coffee

The woman on the table next to me was sitting so close that I could smell her shampoo. When she stroked her hair with her hand a few times, I wish silently she does not have dandruff.

My favorite coffee place was very packed. But taking great delights in my coffee and typing away at my keyboards, I could care less about hogging my seat for 5 hours now.

These are moments I spend times to do the things I like. Actually, nothing much in particular – just spends times with Susan.

Yes, that’s me.

Myself.

Despite the noisy and crowded environment, I am oblivious to things around me. Only my computer, my book and coffee got most of my attention.

Occasionally, I glance at some women and take note of their hair styles and dresses, trying to be some kinds of fashion police.

I notice one woman in a black and tightly-clad dress, which makes her looks too thin. Another woman has a beaded hair. She is pretty but I think her hair style is a mistake. Then I notice a lot of women’s eyes with heavy mascaras. It makes me wish I am wearing it like them, except I am just too lazy to do makeup.

This is funny though. My fashion sense has always been below average but it is so easy for me to judge others.

I was surfing the net just now until the Wi-Fi Connection became unavailable an hour ago.

While surfing, I managed to read some blogs, check my emails, access Facebook. Recently a friend from Denmark, whom I befriended in the chat room more than 15 years ago, suddenly got back in touch with me.

After 15 years?

Surprisingly! But it was back at the time, when mIRC is the most popular chat software. I also read few pages of the book I brought along.

Seriously, I cannot be without a book everywhere I go!

I text-ed my good friend just now to ask her out for dinner next week and we confirmed on Tuesday. My parents called to ask me something about giving away my brother’s old computer.


This is my typical weekend when I am not going out with friends or doing something useful with my time.

This is the “quiet” time for me to write and reflect on things around me.

My life has been series of new discoveries now.

On Friday last week, I waited for the train for an hour only to get stuck when it broke down just few minutes after taking off from the station. I was trapped in darkness with hundreds of people. It was stuffy. Luckily the doors could be pried open and a few people got out from the train. I only discovered then that the train is actually quite high from the grounds. So, I did not feel necessarily for me to get outside as long as the air was flowing in. Some got impatient and walked back on the railroads. A dangerous move, I have to say. Accident happens all the times and having your body run over by a train is no funny business.

On Friday this week, I have a surprising finding which is very good news to me. It makes me feel an unexpected good turn of life – at the time when I am least expected it. I also almost lost my office laptop because I left it at the Mamak stalls but I was so lucky the store keeper managed to keep it for me. Another lucky , lucky break! Thank God!

Few weeks ago, I visited the Myanmar refugees and experienced a lot of things. And I managed to write about this.

Yesterday, I went for blood donation for the first time. (Yes, for first time, can you believe that?). And while I was having the blood sucked out of my body, a cameraman from one of the TV station decided to point his camera at me. Haha. I wonder whether I was going to be on TV.

And I also went together with my friend to take her dog to the dog clinic – also first time for me.

Next week, I am on something new too.

I think I am content with my life for the time being, despite my broken relationship.

It has been more than 3 months now. It is easy to be depressed or think of the things that make me sad. But I know that I have to keep moving forward. Think of positive things and let go. Forget the past and forgive.

People say the initial breakup period is like livings in a void, where we feel disorient and going on an emotion roller coaster.

But I know this is the important time of my life, because this is the time when I can reflect on my inner self to find wisdom in life.

I think I will miss this when this is over, no matter how hard it is now.

The life of Myanmar refugees

My wife is sick for 3 days but I only have RM50 on hands for all our expenses before the next pay day. How can I afford to send her to see doctor?

The local police and RELA keep extorting money from us instead of helping us. They tear up our UN identification papers, raid our house and do full body check on us to search for money. They take our money even if we are left with 50 cents. When will we be able to escape from their bullies and from losing our hard-earned money?

How long we have to stay here before UN can transport us to our permanent resident in US or Australia where we can really settle down? Some of us have waited for 5 years and some up to 10 years and there is still no news.

I can only work illegally when my boss calls me. Sometimes, it is only once, twice or none a week. If I do not have job, I cannot feed my wife and our kids. Will I have a job tomorrow or even next week?

Are my children and wife safe in our home country? I miss them so much but I know I cannot go back. The only way for us to be united is to bring them here. How do I find a big load of money to pay the agents to bring them here? Will they be able to escape from the army and survive the harsh journey to come here?

How does our future look like? When can we live without all these worries?



Every day, these kinds of thoughts haunt the group of 40 over Myanmar refugees who are staying in two small flat units at Jalan Imbi, at the capital centre in Malaysia. Their living condition is poor. They barely have enough fresh food and usually eat chicken bones with rice. Sickness visits them as regular as friends. Many of them, especially the women, lost few stones as both appetite and food quality deteriorates. For some men, their wives and children are thousands miles away and they live everyday with the risk of not able to see them ever again. For men with families, they fear they cannot provide for their wives and children. Hopes and dreams have deserted them for most of the times. Worries come like swarm of flies, uninvited and hard to drive away. Their everyday life is so uncertain and future holds no promise to them. It is like they have escaped from one hell, only to end up in another, so to speak.

Back in Myanmar, they were the oppressed group, whose half-century struggle for independence has made them particular targets of the military. Village raids, pillaging, murders, genocides, and rapes are not uncommon. Children are kidnapped and enlisted to the army, only to suffer beatings, starvation, brainwashing and being left to die. But leaving their home to come to Malaysia is not easy either. They went through painful struggles to adapt to the new environment where no one speaks their language except the few country fellowmen. And it is a point of no return because they will be shot to death if they go back. Even though they are lucky to be alive and away from the brutality in Myanmar, they are stripped of their total freedom in terms of their body, soul and spirit. It is like they have to go through failures and heartbreak almost every day, thinking but not knowing how their life would be. These scars of their emotional abuse run deep and wash away their feelings of self-worth.


Despite the harsh reality, they are not completely at lost. At the very least, I think they are blessed with 3 invaluable things:

1. First, their faith in God and Christianity is strong. They pray with remarkable intensity.
   
   
2. Second, there are at least some warm-hearted people who care about them -a group of generous Christians and a woman who has been looking after them for about 1 year now for 1 group and another group for few months. The woman is Madam Esther. She visits them twice a month and brings them rice, fresh vegetables, chickens, clothes, Vitamin C, medicine, games for the children- among other things. She teaches the women knitting and even buys them threads. When she learnt some have eyes infections, she bought eye drops and eye wash for them. She works hard to get enough funding to keep bringing these gifts to them. She sings with them, talks to all of them and encourage them to talk about things like what they are thankful for ("Thank you!" in Myanmar is "chei-zu tin-bar-te"), what they are feeling and what they hope for. She is even planning to bring all of them to the Zoo in this coming August. It will definitely be a fun day for all of them, especially the children.
   
   I say, most of all, she brings them love and hope.
   
   
3. So, the third blessing is also their love. Though they are deprived of many other things, they are not short of love to give. They love their families. They love and help each other.
   
   I hear of James who is already in United States. As he has a steady job and a home, he provides shelter and food for his fellowships, those who cannot get a job yet. I hear of an uncle in US who help to sponsor tenth of thousands to enable his brother’s families to be united in Malaysia.
   

No wonder Esther says she is the one who is blessed in her visit and not the other way around.
Esther explains this crucial fact to me - the most important mission of their cares is to help the refugees to restore dignities in their life. It is not just about bringing them food, but to be there for them constantly so that they know they have people who care about them and can be relied on.

It is a gratifying experience for me to be able to join Esther on the visit on Sunday, 13 July to get to know the life of the Myanmar refugees in the 2 flat units. I find them to have very mild and relaxing manner, even the men. They are also very courteous. They pulled out the chairs for us to sit while they all sat on the floor of the tidy living room. They offered to carry everything for us, even our own handbags. The women are pretty and slim; some are a bit thin because of sickness or loss of appetite. The women speak no other language except Burmese, but the men, most can speak good Malays. They learn it while working for the local bosses – a testimonial of their strong wills, adaptabilities and brightness.

The kids are also very bright and active. There are 3 kids who perform wonderful songs and dancing for us. They understand English quite well because they learn it at the school – a service provided by the NGOs. Unfortunately, I cannot remember most of their names, except for a boy names Solomon and the girl, whose name sounds between “Tracy” & “Crazy”. I still cannot figure out her exact name even though I have asked her to repeat more than twice. There is a small kid who smiles very often and he looks very adorable in his red-striped shirt and little brown vest. And then there is a kid who is born with bandy legs, but he walks swiftly everywhere, obliviously carefree of any impediment. I learnt this from his father, Peter, who is a pastor and also our translator. Then, there is also a teenage kid who is deaf but so smart and observant that he instinctively showed us the ways when we were at lost on which staircase to take to go up to their flat.

They all are really captivating.

I think and believe this. Though life is difficult, we can only sink so low but we won’t stay there forever. With even a little spirit and faith left, and most of the time, with helps from some generous people, we are going to rise up and have a future that we may never dream of. Not only we create a future for ourselves, but we also create a future for our children, so that they do not need to go through the same hardship we have been through. Even though we may not become rich, but we are in many ways, successful.

And every little piece of dignities that is restored lead to that. And, we should be reminded again – this is not only Esther’s mission but mission of God as well.

P/S: Esther will welcome funding from any generous people. Please contact me if you would like to contribute - I will introduce you to Esther.

Image from http://hubpages.com/

I'd try to make more mistakes next time

An inspirational poem by Nadine Stair, age 85

If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I would relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have on this trip. I would be crazier. I would be less hygienic. I would take more chances, I would take more trips. I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets. I would burn more gasoline. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I am one of those people who lives sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments And if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments,one after another. Instead of living so many years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had to do it over again, I would go places and do things. I'd travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefooted earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky more. I wouldn't make such good grades except by accident. I would ride on merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies!

I have made lot of mistakes, but I think I need to learn through all these mistakes as lessons in life. Thus, no matter how hard is my situation, I try to live my life positively day by day. I believe when I am 85 and when I look back to today, I would feel no regret because I have made all the mistakes I could. I have tasted life at its best and worst. I have people who help me and people who abandon me when I fall. I have seen goodness and evil. I have endured prejudice, contempt and condemnation but I also have received kindness, favors and inspiration.

I think I am doing just fine....

Life may not be all beautiful - but it is worth fighting for

If you think your life is bad and you lose your wills to fight for your life, then read the true stories below:

Story 1: True Inspiration to Choose Life

At 27 in December 1994 - Alison was abducted outside her home by two men who raped, stabbed and disemboweled her, finally slashing her throat 16 times to make sure she was dead. No-one could have believed that anyone with such severe injuries could live but, miraculously, she did.

This is her account on how she could have given up after being left by her assailants to die. Instead, she chose to live - to at least make one last effort to bring those monsters to justice.

"I was 80 metres from the road but if I was to have any chance of survival, I somehow had to get there.

When your throat has been cut from ear to ear, you have no muscles to hold your head forward. So when I stood up, my head flipped over and rested on my back. My insides were also spilling out. So using one hand to hold my head in place and the other hand to keep my stomach together, I half crawled, half staggered toward the road."

I was shivering when I read the story. This should not happen to anyone - if God has mercy. But it did and instead of carrying hate and resentment for the rest of her life, Allison decided to move on with her life.

Today, Alison have written a book, been speaking professionally for several years, got married and given birth to two beautiful children. Her message is - Life is beautiful. Life is worth fighting for . It's not what happens to you, it's what you do with it.

You can visit her website at http://www.alison.co.za/
This story is also included in the book - Happiness in Hard Times, by Andrew Matthew.

Allison lives thousands of miles away and I never see her in person, but in this next story, this happens very near home.

Story 2: Sometimes, we find hero in people who may appear normal or even weak

Let just say - I made a brief acquaintance with a sweet-looking girl of mid-twenties. She holds a Degree and normal executive-level job. Though she is not considered successful in her career yet, but she is working hard towards it.

Behind her struggle towards success, there is a shocking story. When I learned about it, I was very disheartened and angry but at the same time, but I hold much admiration for her - for what she has been through.

One night, when she woke up after a drinking sessions with her boyfriend and his buddies, she found herself in a hotel - in an unspeakable condition. Her drink was spiked and she was raped by around 5-6 guys during that night. And to believe that your boyfriend can do this kind of things to you?

I wonder what is happening to the world we live in. Her boyfriend comes from a wealthy family where his parents have a lucrative business. But who would wonder, they bore such a monster?
I thought about the girl who has gone through such trauma but instead of languishing in her sorrow, she pick up herself and is working hard to become successful. I also thought about other people who are lucky in their life but lack the passions and want to do just enough to get through life halfheartedly.

So, behind the facade of everyone, there maybe another different story - a hero, a nobody or an evil. It is really hard to know sometimes. Because a person who is kind to you may have an evil heart. Or, a person who seems to be rude and loud, may actually be a very nice person inside.

In Chinese saying, you have to - wear "glasses" to "see" people. I am not very good in Chinese , but I think it means you need to see the inner side of a person , not just the surface. Also mean you have to be careful sometimes, even with people who seems close to you. Be aware of things, be smart in choosing who you mix with.

15 Tips to Lead a More Healthy and Less Stressful Life

I wrote this list about a year ago to motivate myself to follow a more healthy life-style. Since then, I added few more items as I learned new tips. Somehow later, I failed to follow my own advice. I hit myself on the head to start again. Then, I failed again. And now I blog about this list to make sure I can stay committed - or hopefully so.

I shared these few tips with Jeffrey too. He acknowledges these are important things to do - that he too wants to start to lead a more healthy and less stressful life. But he failed miserably (much more than I did). I reminded him but saw him failed again. Few days ago, when his health is on the verge of falling apart, he said he will commit again. I said "Let's see". He reminded me about my post "Does it take a lot to give words of encouragement to people you love?". I apologized. He asked me to blog about the list. I remember I wrote the list somewhere in my notes. Maybe it will help to remind him again as he always read my blog.

So, here is the list. You probably know most of these, but just to remind you again.

1. Get enough sleep.

Remember, it is important to get enough rest. Our bodies need to be "shutdown" (I do not mean total shutdown) to recuperate and regenerate. If you are constantly deprived of sleep, you behave differently - groggy, short-tempered, panicky. This affects you and others as well.

2. Sleep and wake up early

For the same number of hours of sleep, sleeping and waking up early is healthier than sleeping and waking up late. Also, when you wake up early, you can start the day without rushing.

While it is important to maintain a consistent sleep pattern, do allow some exceptions sometimes especially on weekends. After all, you should enjoy the freedom of life too. This is not much a healthy tip, but I think it works for me to keep me happy.

3. Learn how to sleep well

Maybe you lay awake for several hours before you can fall asleep. Maybe you toss and turn in your bed during sleep. Maybe you dream a lot in your sleep, making you feel like you have not really slept. Maybe you wake up and still feel very tired. Any of these mean you are not getting enough of good quality sleep.

Actually this is the problem with your mind. While you want to "shutdown" your body, you need to first shutdown your mind ( a good link here). Practice clearing your mind before you sleep. Put all your problems away. I also try listening to some music that purportedly make me sleep more soundly. I think it works sometimes because I feel more refresh during the day.

4. Eat healthy and on time.

Your diet is important - more vegetables, fruits, fiber, less meat, less sugar, etc. in your daily meals. Eat on time, eat less portions but more frequently.

Also, drink your coffee without sugar. I am coffee lover- I cannot do away with coffee. So, the best way I can do is to try to keep away from sugar if I can. Plus, if you are coffee lover, you should love the taste of coffee without sugar.

5. Eat supplements consistently

This is the easiest thing you can do. Add supplements to your shopping list and then just take 1 minute everyday to pop the pills down your throat.

Before I consistently take supplements, I get sick quite often. While I believe supplements are important, some supplements are overly priced and overrated. Thus, I do not think you need to eat very expensive supplements to be healthy. I take Vitamin C and Evening Primrose Oil everyday. They are not very expensive. But I do take bird nest once in a while - that is expensive, but it keeps my body heat up so that I do not feel cold easily. Plus, it supposes to give me better complexion - which I definitely hope so!

6. Exercise

If you say you do not have time for exercise, you are just making excuses! You know you can "make time" for it. It depends on whether you want to or not. Even Barack Obama said he will commit to his weekly gym hours despite the heavy job of overseeing the whole country. You may dread to go to exercise, but trust me, once you do it and keep the routine, you feel much greater than you ever feel before.

I find it hard to commit myself to exercise too. But every time after I finish my session at the gym, I feel so great, so fresh and even my complexion is better - this work faster than bird nest! I find exercise also tests my perseverance - to keep to the exercise routine and even to push my limit further during the exercise.

By the time I finish compiling this list and writing this post, I have gone to the gym 2 times in this week. I feel great and a sense of achievement for keeping to my commitment.

7. Start and maintain a detoxify program

I found this video and article a month ago. I think it is cheap and effective ways to start. I think you should not waste your money on commercial detoxification products before you try this.

8. Get back to nature

Go to lake, forest, garden and any other natures. Have a walk or jog outside (exercise and nature is good combination). If you do not want to exercise, maybe have a picnic, sit down to read a book or just do nothing- except to breath in the fresher air and calm your mind.

9. Give yourself a break from the technology.

Give yourself a break from the technology gadgets and the noise from them once in a while. Close your laptops, computers, and TV - you do not need them all the times. Have a quieter moment for yourself. Light a candle and burn some aroma oil.

Also, you are not on call 24/7. If every time your phone ring and you jump to answer it, you are leading much a stressful and rigid life. Give yourself a break, you do not need to answer all calls immediately. You can always call back later. I know this is getting on some nerves of my friends and family, but sorry - I need peace of my minds sometimes. I sometimes forget to call back too. I apologize for this.

Last week, I saw a couple in a coffee shop. Once they sat down and ordered their coffee, they went into their "silence" mode to "interact" with their own iPhones - all the while (in about an hour) I never see the couple talk to each others - and they are certainly not mad at each other. I find this disturbing and wondering whether we are spending too much time in technology gadgets rather than with people, especially those whom we love dearly.

10. Meditate and start on your spiritual journey.

I am not very religious, but I believe in God and all religions which teach us good things. I believe spiritual practices are very important in our life.

Spiritual practices, including meditation, prayer and contemplation, are intended to develop an individual's inner life; such practices often lead to an experience of connectedness with a larger reality: a more comprehensive self; other individuals or the human community; nature or the cosmos; or the divine realm. Spirituality is often experienced as a source of inspiration or orientation in life. It can encompass belief in immaterial realities or experiences of the immanent or transcendent nature of the world.

11. When you are working, be productive.

When you are working, focus on being productive. Do not chat with friends, read your horoscope, check your personal emails and do other non-work related stuffs. If you are productive during working hours, you can actually leave on time but you still achieve a lot more than others. Leave work on time for at least 3 days a week - this means you can work overtime for 2 days a week if you have to.

Please do not be those lazy bums who are so adamant to insist of leaving on time each days even though there are tonnes of work to do. While you need to keep a balance between work and life, you have certain responsibilities towards your company and even to yourself to maintain high quality in your work. So, if there is really a need for you to work extra hours - there is really no harm for this.

Having a less stressful life does not mean you have to deliver mediocre works. Never settle for mediocrity.

12. Plan and do things in advance.

On each night, take some times to reflect the day - what happen, what had you learn, any mistake that you can correct? Always plan for the next day. Even when you are having a hard times or going through a crisis, planning and living one day at a time can work out well. This is most important even if you have no idea what you want in life or what can happen to you in the next minutes. Even planning the next few hours are good enough.

If you are more blessed, then you can plan your vacation in advance, plan your family time, plan to have your own personal time. Even put these in your work calendar - just mark you are busy.
Plan for next week at the end of each weeks. Plan for next year, plan for next 3 years, and next 10 years. Keep in mind also things do not always happen according to plan. Thus, it is important to have backup plans as well. And be flexible (note item #16 on the list)

On your job, do your reports and time sheet in advance. Do not wait until the last minutes before submission.

13. Do self-talk and focus on what you want

We all know about self-talk - how important to have a positive image of ourselves. We are all living in a world where most people are focusing on negative sides of us- you are lazy, you have not done enough, you are fat, you only think about yourself, you are stupid!

While you need to acknowledge your own weaknesses, you also need to believe and remind yourself this - you do have self-worth and deserve to be happy. So, say this to yourself every morning when you look into the mirror. And don't depend on other people to make you happy!

If you are an unorganized person, say to yourself in your self-talk - "I am an organized person." Focus on what you want to be.

14. Spend times to improve yourself. Embrace Change.

You need to constantly improve yourself and learn new things. In the book "A Class with Drucker" by William A. Cohen, Peter Drucker said this- If you keep doing what worked in the past, you're going to fail.

People or companies that cling to their past successes will eventually fail, sometimes in a spectacular way. Change is inevitable if you are going to stay successful. Be ready to turn on a dime and abandon everything that has made you what you are. Better yet, be a forward thinker and create your own changes and your own future.

So, if you think you do not need to improve because you are already good enough - you are terribly wrong.

I find that we can learn a lot of things from book , from the Internet, from observing people, from others who are willing to teach us and even from those who may be lesser than us in anyway. But learning also means we need to put things we learn into action.

15. Be flexible.

In Happiness in Hard Times, by Andrew Matthew (picture included) , this is the advice on being flexible.
Trying to control the world and judging everyone in it wears you out. Don't argue with what has already happened. Roll with the punches, enjoy life's surprises.

I can write a whole new posting on being flexible because I learn a lot from my own experience. When you are angry and upset when things do not turn out the way you want - when things get delayed, people make blunders, people cutting queue, people breaking their promises, etc. - you are disrupting your own peace of minds and damaging your own health. In most times, you also make the people besides you to be unhappy because of your sullen mood and rage.

I am also guilty - I am angry when things turn out badly. But my anger is more inwards. Instead of straight away lashing out at people and then forget about it, things may boil inside for few days and I harbor resentment towards people who cause me the pain. Now, I learn to let go.

Finally, your mindset and behaviors also count a lot!

I can start a whole new list on this because begin healthy involves having a healthy mindsets and behaving in an appropriate manner. Following are important to work on:

* Have faith in things larger than us.
* Look for good things in our life and be grateful.
* Forgive people - forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
* Practice detachment - detach does not mean you do not care, you can care greatly but be detached from the outcome. Do the best you can do and then let be and let go.
* (the list goes on....)

Finding Grace in a Hurried World

When the woman in front of me at the supermarket check-out line offers to let me go first, I glance at her and then at her trolley. I am carrying a basket with at least 10 items, but hers is not a lot more than mine, maybe 20 - 25 small items, mostly filled with green vegetables. And considering the 2 women in front of us who have their trolleys full of groceries and one of whom is paying with credit card - which means more delays; I cannot understand why she let me to go first.

Thus, I politely decline, "It is okay. You do not have a lot of groceries yourself". I regret the moment I say it. Since stepping into the supermarket, I race from aisle to aisle, picking things into my basket, choosing the fastest queue based on a complex calculations of number of people in the queue, how full are their trolleys and whether the cashiers are aware of what they are doing or just daydreaming. The reason I do not go to the fast lanes is because they have more than 8 persons in the queues in each lines. I swear my heart beat faster than normal on that day.

I do not expect I have second chance, but surprisingly, I do. She offers me again - "You sure you do not want to go first?" she asked. This time, I take the time to look at her carefully. I guess she is in her forties, but she looks very vibrant. She is of medium height and slim build. She wears jean and white blouse with simple floral pattern - I think she manages to look both casual and elegant at the same time. She makes me feel the warmth in my heart- she is not only nice, but genuinely and persistently nice - a gracefulness that is uncommon in this world where everything has to be fast, convenient and self-adsorbed.

This time, I take her offer, grateful for her angelic gesture. As I finish packing the last items to the bag and it is now her turn to unload her things, she smiles as she conveys, "Cannot let others go first again or else I will never have my turn". She looks over the woman behind her to make her point, who is also carrying a basket of items. I smile back at her understandingly. She makes another impression on me for even giving another thought to the woman behind her after she has just let me go first and the fact that she admits freely - things she is not proud of.

I find her grace to be motivating - remind me not to always hurried through things and forget to think about other people beside me. And also, not to forget to act in kindness to people, including those closest to me and even strangers - who may just happen to be behind me in the line.

Does it take a lot to give words of encouragement to people you love even though you might not fully understand or accept them?

Yes, I guess it does for most people. It applies to me as well. I am definitely not at a very comfortable level of giving complements, supports and encouragements to people easily. But I really desire to be much better. I want to be able to do it so easily like I am breathing each day.

I envision one day, my children will look up to me and able to say “My mom is always there to support me even though nobody does.”

The caveat - I know I will not be able to fully understand my children. Times will change everything around us, some generation gaps will appear. I also know at many times in the future, I really think they are doing the wrong things; their actions may even conflict with my principles. I may not be able to believe in their dreams, not able to accepts their friends, partners and lifestyle.

But I want to stay true to one function (among all others) as their mother who loves them tremendously – TO ENCOURAGE and SUPPORT THEM, even when the rest of the world scorn at them, as long as they are not making the world an evil place.

I recently watched “Philadelphia”, a movie produced in 1993 and played by Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington (both actors made a lot of great movies) . Tom played a gay lawyer infected with AIDS, who was fired from his law firm due to the discrimination. So, he engaged another good lawyer (Denzel) to help him sue his previous employer and to fight for his right even though he was nearing the deathbed. It is a touching movie, one that makes you question on how different people perceive each others, perceive what is right and wrong – which there is no absolute right and wrong, except on where you stand to look at it. (In fact, a lot of touching movies do that on different levels – for e.g., another good movie is Crash (2004)).

One scene that really swarms me with emotions and wet my eyes is when Tom Hanks’s family pledge their supports to him, in a way that is so extraordinarily beautiful.

Andy (played by Tom Hanks):
There will be things said at the trial that are hard for you to hear...about me and my personal life.
And there's gonna be publicity. I want to make sure it's okay with everybody.

His brother:
I think it's great that you're asking, Andy…but this is really your call.

Andy:
All right. Thank you, brother.

His brother:
Hey, you're my kid brother.
That's all that matters.
Okay?

Sister:
To be honest, I'm worried about Mommy and Daddy.
They've been through so much already.
And it's possible there are going to be some very tough times ahead.

(Even though the sister was not pledging her support, but notice that she said "I'm worried" not, "You should worry" (sharing what she feels, rather than telling you what you should feel). And she also said "it's possible" because she has no way to know what is going to happen and it is not right for her to judge. See? Small words like these portray a lot of sensitivities.)

Daddy:
Andy, the way that you've handled this whole thing...
you and Miguel...(Miguel is Andy’s gay partner)
with so much courage...

I don't believe there's anything..
that anyone could say that would...make us feel anything but incredibly proud of you.

Mommy:
Well, I didn't raise my kids to sit in the back of the bus.
You get in there and you fight for your rights, okay?

Andy:
Gee, I love you guys.

Incredible, isn't it? Their parents were saying they are proud of their gay son, who contracted AIDS due to his choice of sexuality and probably his own carelessness; the same guy who worked so hard for his company despite his illness, putting himself in danger, only to be fired by the company and now he want to sue the company and putting his whole family in the spotlight and probably embarrassment, as well as putting more stress to himself while he is dying. This story may have been made up but it is definitely a great inspiration.

And, when it comes to inspiration on simple encouragement from the parent, I could almost recite the words from a scene in Pursuit of Happyness (2006) – an meaningful exchange between father and son

Father: Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you... You can't do something. Not even me. All right?

Son: All right.

Father: You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want something, go get it. Period.

I do not think it takes a lot for the speakers to say those words, but the one who receive that, the very same one that may be in difficult situations or greatly discouraged – it means a WHOLE WORLD to them.

But, ask ourselves this - what we usually tend to do in those situations? The answer: We act the exact opposite. We tell our loved one off. We reject them. We shun their ideas. We label them with different names – selfish, stupid, silly, crazy, inconsiderate, etc. And most of all, we want to force our ideas and what we think into them. So that maybe, some where, sometimes in the future, when they realize their mistakes, they would recall what we have told them and we get the satisfaction out of telling them “I told you so but you did not want to follow!”

The irony is – sometimes, when we "fervently warn" the people we love of what we perceive to be mistakes, in some hidden parts in our hearts, we unconsciously wish for them making the exact mistakes that we have warned them, this so to prove ourselves right, whereas our loves for them consciously wish them to be happy and successful – both situations are contradictory like the sun and the rain.

Finally, 10 Rules to remind ourselves on how we should treat them (our loved ones):

1. Remember this - our faith and beliefs can move mountains. So believe and have faith in them because we will help them to move their mountains.

2. When we find them deciding or acting on things that are probably going to be some sort of mistakes, do NOT find 10 things out of the situation to prove we are right, find just 1 thing to prove we can be wrong and stick to that only.

3. Prepare to support and give them a shoulder to cry on when they really fail. Do not feel it is right to retract that because they have not follow our advices.

4. If we feel the urge to say something that sound like “I told you so…” – bite our tongues and just keep that to ourselves. FOREVER.

5. Don’t force our opinion and judgment on them most of the times. We have the right to say what we feel and think but those are just our feelings and opinions, NOT theirs.

6. Remember this – even though we are the more experienced, older and/or smarter people, accept that we may also be wrong sometimes. To Err Is Human.

7. Remember what Peter Drucker said “If You Keep Doing What Worked in the Past You’re Going to Fail” – so do not expect others (especially our children) to follow what we have done last times even though we have proven records of success.

8. Always stand by them, even though when they are wrong sometimes. They need us to be their loved one, NOT the judge, NOT the police officer, NOT the priest and NOT the executor. Everyone will be judged by God eventually.

9. Remember that our loved ones have their other loved ones as well – for e.g. our partner has other loved ones like parents, siblings, friends, relatives, mentors, etc; our parent has other loved ones like their parents, their other children and grand children. It is a very complex relationship. Be understanding and do not demand and measure amount of love and attention among each others and do not criticize and reject the loved ones of our loved ones (sound complex, I know).

10. Love them for who they are, not who we want them to be.

Warning: Do not overdo this, else we will be too pampering, which create another set of problems.