Know Thyself

Have you try any personality tests? 

I have tried Myers-Briggs Personality (MBTI) and Dominance-Influence-Steadiness-Conscientiousness (DISC), Herrmann Brain Dominance Instrument (HBDI), Audio-Visual-Kinesthetic and even some animals categories - Hare-Tortoise-Owl-Squirrel. I have also done my Enneagram test 2 months ago and re-did my DISC profile (And I got different profile result this time). In Enneagram, I am called a Four - The Individualist from the nine personality types. Below is one of the reminder note for me as a four.

The overall keynote of Fours is subjectivity. In order to keep their sense of self alive, Fours need to have a personal and emotional resonance with their experiences. They therefore "take everything personally," and for better or worse, often invest meaning or find intention where there is none. Notice today when you are taking everything personally. 

Thus, this is my favourite prayer to help me when I am taking things too personally until it hurts:

Dear God, please help me. This is it. Right here. There is where the sword enters my heart. This is where I blow it every time. 

I read occasionally what it tells about my Greek Zodiac (I am an Aries) and Chinese Zodiac. Recently, I also have my BaZi profiling done on my career and relationship. BaZi tells me when are the years I most likely to find my pot of gold or find the right man to have a relationship. It seems I need to be a bit more patient for both.

Now, I wonder how much I traverse the road of knowing myself. 

How many more tests out there that are attempting to tell us more about ourselves but also put us in different categories?

If there is only one certain distinction that any test can tell for me, I would be categorised to those who always need to find out about things. (Now, you can take a guess at my DISC personality). Sometimes I feel I am taking it too broad, may be shallow. Sometimes, I think I am diving too deep. I am constantly curious - I accept that fact. I am really passionate about learning. I feel alive when I am gaining knowledge and become wiser.

But I found the more I learn, the more I know that I know nothing. Okay, that came from Socrates. It is a proof that wisdom and generalised principle can really transcend space and time. I am talking about what Socrates believe more than 2000 years ago is still applicable up to these days. It certainly resonates with me and I think it does with a lot of people.

Perhaps when we meet a divine and transcendent guru, and we ask him questions, most probably we will NOT get direct answers. A lot of things are neither black nor white. A lot of things are not set in stones. It comes from where we are looking at it. A Course in Miracles says Only Love is real. All others that are negatives are just illusions. And we are surrounded by illusions until we surrender to love. And I just learnt from Money and You program that Clarity Leads to Power. I know now that no matter how complex things are, there are always some generalised principles that govern everything.

I do not need to know everything to know all things.

I think I am getting it. Things are getting clearer for me. I am really starting to know myself. I don't really know it, but I can feel it.

How about you? What do you think? Do you know yourself?

Marianne Williamson on Relationship, Creativity, Leadership, and Divine Compensation

I hope I would look as gorgeous, fabulous and healthy as Marianne Williamson at the age of 61. She emanates wisdom and vitality. She is not afraid to speak fast or to wave her hand passionately - perhaps attesting to being peaceful does not mean you cannot be passionate as well. She advocates love, and an avid student and teacher of A Course of Miracles (ACIM).

There are 3 resources that I would like to share with you, my fellow reader:

1. Her "Return to Love" book, a classic.

I have a copy of this book "A Return To Love" by Marianne Williamson. Those who had looked at my worn and crumpled copy would think that I did not value it. But I love this book. And that is also why I carry it around and re-read it whenever I can.

Its lesson is very powerful. It reminds me to surrender, to forgive, to focus on now, to heal, to let go of fear and ego, to be peaceful and most of all, to love.

While its most famous quote is "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.", I really like the myriad of prayers offered in the book, especially in the times when I deviate from love.

Dear God, please help me. Heal my mind. Wherever my thoughts have strayed from love - if I've been controlling, manipulative, greedy, ambitious for myself - whatever it is , I'm willing to see this differently.

Dear God, you know, and I know, that I have more potential for neurosis in this area (relationship) than in any other. Please take my attraction, my thoughts and feelings about this person and use them for your purposes. Let this relationship unfold according to your will.

Dear God, let me see this person through your eyes. 

Dear God, please help me realize that I am someone wonderful. 

Dear God, please help me. This is it. Right here. There is where the sword enters my heart. This is where I blow it every time. 

Dear God, I surrender this situation to you. May it be used for your purposes. I ask only that my heart be open to give love and to receive love. May all the results unfold according to your will. 

2. Another powerful interview on relationship

There is a interview with Marianne Williamson on the topic of Shifting within our
relationship. You can access here in this link.

She touched on holy-isolation, in which two parties who separate can mean that the physical proximity is no longer the highest container for their mutual soul growth, and this is not a failure in relationship. Relationship is eternal - our bodies separate, minds are eternally connected. And it's our own path that we're asked to vigilantly monitor, not someone else's. This actually rings well with the teaching of Ho'oponopono.

3. Her video lectures.

Below is a video on YouTube where Marianne discuss on creativity, leadership and divine compensation at GoogleTalk. More video lectures can be find on her official website.

At around 35th minute, one of the audience brought into discussion about a belief that our actions do not really matter; what matter is our consciousness. Marianne was obviously quite appalled with that belief - It does not matter what we do? With 17 thousands children and 15 thousands adults starving to death everyday and billions of people living on $1.5 or less a day, there are so much things we can do.

Yes, spiritual study does not mean we just sit around, clear our consciousness and meditate. It also means to take action to give love. Namaste.

Heartbreak – Then and Now

Heartbreak sucks.

When my mum threw away my beloved Little Pillow which was with me for 17 years, I was insanely heartbroken.

Little Pillow to me was like an iPad to kids nowadays. Even the size was so alike. But Little Pillow was lighter, fluffier and wouldn’t break down when I threw him around. Little Pillow was cuddly and balmy and as the cliché goes, I slept with it, play with it, eat with it, pee with it, shit with it. I was obsessed with its smell so much that I insolently forbid my mum to wash it except the several times when I wetted my bed. By the time I was 17, my mum have gotten very worried. Though I was not carrying Little Pillow around then, but I swore we would be together till death did us apart. I was even planning to bring Little Pillow to my marriage bed. My mum said that would be shameful and tried to persuade me to dump Little Pillow. I retorted that my future husband wouldn’t mind – probably the start of my distressing and disastrous journey with men, my poor evaluation of which got me into trouble, REALLY BIG trouble.  My smarter mum eventually threw Little Pillow when I was out in the college.

When I realized that, I was devastated. In a million years, I wouldn’t have expected him to disappear without saying goodbye. Still, the feeling of the unwilling separation aka being dumped was salt to my broken heart.

I certainly had an experience of being dumped. It sucked the energy out of me and I got drained and thrown down to a dark deep dirty well and left alone, afraid and clueless how to get out. But it was also at these times, I learnt to live with the darkness, see clearer despite the darkness and find ways to reach the light beyond the darkness. It was a mind-boggling, spiritual and soul-searching experience that made me grow into a better person.

It was easy to launch angry birds at the other parties, reveling on their falls and explosions into the thin air. But my most recent heartbreak taught me more about acceptance, forgiveness and self-worth. And because I gain all my self-worth and forego my pride, I was able to see my own mistakes I made in the relationship that were causing the problem (I’ll share more on this in later posts). Of course, if he was a relationship guru like Anthony Robbins or Dr John Gray, we probably would be able to swerve the winding paths without overturning the car. But he was just a man who was trying to take baby steps in a relationship and was not prepared to handle the emotional flood. I was foolish. He was obtuse. We would have made a wonderful albeit odd couple.

Like the Little Pillow episode, I have gotten over it and moved on with my life. One thing for sure about heartbreak is time always heals. But another more important thing, as Gary Zukav said, eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.

I love falling in love,
Susan

Stay tuned for more on heartbreak and how to heal. And love.

Notes:I am also blogging at http://www.f5bulous.com or http://f5bulous.wordpress.com
This is also posted under http://f5bulous.wordpress.com/2012/12/24/heartbreak/

The 4 Things I Discovered in Year 2010

2010 was definitely a dramatic year for me. But I've never felt so alive in my life before. The best part was I made great discoveries about life and myself. This could not be achieved if I did not invite Mr. Pain in my life. But now, it was gone, for good.

So, my journey to self discoveries began in 2010, when the world turned to a new decade.

And I am thankful to God for these:

1. I found Work-Life Balance

It feels great to know that I can be efficient in my job without spending too much overtimes at work. Sure, there were demands in my job like getting on teleconferences at night, working on a night shift occasionally and dealing with conflicts. But I have never had a job like my current one, which allows me to have ample personal times. This opens paths to many interesting things in my life now.

Work-life balance has always been something that seemed out of reach for me. But now that I have experienced it, I am truly thankful for it.

The most important thing is I am still competitive, thinking creatively and always finding ways to do better. For that, I think I can get a promotion for my continuous commitment to excellence. The fact is I am still working hard, but mostly to improve myself in a lot of different areas outside of works. But I think these have indirectly helped me in my job too.

In the book “A Class With Drucker: The Lost Lessons of the World's Greatest Management Teacher”, Peter Drucker was mentioned to encourage his students to develop expertise outside their fields to be effective managers.

2. It is good to keep things short and simple

Mark Twain wrote “If I Had More Time I Would Write a Shorter Letter”. I have been struggling for a long time to write and speak more concisely. It has been a quite a challenge, but I had a lot of practices when preparing Toastmaster speeches. I am forced into it, I would say, as I am only allowed to speak on a subject for 6 o 8 minutes, even though I want to cover far and wide.

So, what should I do?

I learn to cut down on a lot of things. I cut down non-essential things, and even sometimes essential things. Because no one can digest all the stuffs I want to throw out at them. So, I have to pick a few essential ones, make my points and make them strong.

Would you prefer slim and tone OR fat-filled content?

3. Silence is my virtue.

One morning when I was visiting a customer in his office, I accidentally SLAMMED my car door with my thumb in between while parking my car. (Yes, I always manage to do weird things to myself). In spite of the excruciating pain, I did not scream. I did not even utter a single word, not even a sigh. I calmly took a tissue out and wrapped it around my bleeding thumb. Blood spurt out fast and my thumb was getting more swollen by the seconds. But I went on to meet the customer. The only time anyone realized about my mishap was when I had to apologize for not being able to shake their hand. It was a funny and painful experience, but it is a solid case on how silent I can be.

If I was not complaining when my thumbs are throbbing and pain is sharp, I do not see any good reason to complain. In his famous book “How to Win Friends & Influence People”, Dale Carnegie shared a great message. “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive”, which means don’t criticize, condemn or complain. If you have nothing better to say, zip your mouth shut.

That's why silence can be a virtue. And I prefer to be with people who talk about positive things rather than people who complain all the times.

4. I am so over bad guys.

The world wonders why girls are always attracted to bad guy. I know I did and it is past tense now. Believe me, going what I have gone through, I am so OVER bad guys now.

In one of her interview, Kristen Stewart said one of the reasons why she got hook up with a bad guy is because she had this belief that she might just be the special one who can turn a bad guy into a good one. That is the attraction, albeit a fatal one. It turned out she could not (as expected) and so she suffered the consequences. Her view is so right at the point. I think she has learned her lesson. Looks at whom she is with now? Robert Pattinson, and he is the good guy type. (Yes, my Edward Cullen in Twilight world. LOL)

In another example:

In the TV series “Vampire Diaries”, two brothers fall for the same girl (Elena). There is the good brother (Stefan) and there is a bad brother (Damon). Apparently, in real life, Damon character has much more fans than Stefan’s. Look at this poll – Damon won by 80%! Why is that?

A lot of fans even hope Damon can win over Elena in the battle of affections. From Elena’s point of view, why would she want to hook up with a guy who attempted to kill her brother, just because he was in a bad mood and was provoked? (In fact, Damon did kill Elena’s brother, just that there was some super natural thingy that brought him back to life.).

Yes, Damon is sexy and fun, but Elena should not end up with him. No way! Stefan is loving, caring, respectful, kind, honest, committed and always there to support her. That is a long list of great virtues. And it is time good guys rule over bad guys, cause the latter are so outdated these days.

Alright, at least for me.

9 reasons why girls fall for Edward Cullen

It is always fun talking about Twilight series and particularly Edward Cullen with my girlfriends. The excitement and vibes just make us feel younger.

And of course, Ayuen, you are not alone. Furthermore after the meeting, BI posted a photo and tagged us girls on Facebook. Let me clarify – it is a photo of Edward Cullen posing half-naked and none of us girls are in the photo. (To BI: I do not think that is how the tag is designed to works. I am expecting I am somewhere there behind Edward in the photo..hehe). And Ayuen talked about the big possibility that I will be drooling over the picture. I am.

But really, I am actually more infatuated with Edward Cullen’s character. But with Robert Pattinson being so gorgeous, it just creates the drooling effect. So I decided to write a fun post today about why girls fall for Edward Cullen (a break from my more solemn writings nowadays on my breakup).

I also want to understand myself what are the reasons why girls fall for Edward Cullen; despite he is sexy and gorgeous, is a vampire as well as have super powers. We all know the character is fictional, but there are a lot of reasons why girls desire Edward. So, Stephanie Meyer’s success is largely attributed to her ability to bring out that special character for us!

So, here are the reasons why girls fall for Edward with comparisons of Edward’s world with our real world :


1. Edward created a world for just him and Bella.

No Twilight-lovers will forget the scene where Edward carried Bella to climb up the tallest tree to view the extraordinarily breathtaking scene. Bella gasped “This isn't real. This kind of stuff just doesn't exist” and Edward replied “And it does in my world”. And then they spent time talking and hanging out “on the tree”. The world at that moment belongs just to them. How romantic is that?

Edward always gives his full attention to Bella when they are alone and sometimes even when they are not alone. Compared to our real world, people are constantly hooked on their phones /gadgets/ computers and seldom give full attention to their partners. Very often, Edward talks to Bella in her room until she falls asleep. He also holds her when she sleeps and he watches her all the time. This seems a bit creepy especially with the strange fact that Edward never sleeps, thus have all the times for Bella. But, the point is to pay full attention to your partner when you spend times together, no matter how little times are that. Create some quality times!


2. Edward is protective, but not up to the point of being too controlling.

In Eclipse movie, when Edward and Bella reached their school and Edward knew Jacob was waiting for Bella there, he asked Bella “If I asked you to stay in the car would you?” Before he even finished, Bella rushed out of the car and Edward finished with “.......Of course not.”

See, he asked her instead of telling her what to do and he did not even get mad when Bella ignored him. That’s protective without being controlling, I guess.

In the book, Edward also constantly asked Bella to keep herself safe. But most of the times, Bella just went about being just like her own self – prone to dangers and mistakes. Edward never blamed that on Bella. In the book, he pleaded “Please make a conscious effort to keep yourself safe. I’ll do everything I can, but I would appreciate a little help.”

Well, Edward can be controlling at times. Especially in Twilight, Edward followed Bella to Post Angeles and managed to save her from a potential rape or murder. I think that is called stalking and I disapprove of it, though I do not mind and actually like that in the movie.

But I think Edward’s controlling behaviour decreases over times, especially after he left Bella in “New Moon” with the intention to keep her safe. Instead, he exposed her to the danger of acting foolish and also revenge from Victoria. I think at that point, he realized that he could not really control what could happen to Bella all the times, so he just have to trust her and trust her judgement.


3. Edward’s meekness is sweet.

In Twilight, Bella asked Edward what music he listened to and hit the play button. Edward answered awkwardly to the music being played, “Debussy...I don’t know.” His meekness and uncertainties at that time is very lovable.

In the real world, sometimes we will find people try their hardest to impress by bragging how much they know, how many great things they have done and what good taste they have by exhibiting their designer clothes, expensive gadgets, etc.

Even though Edward has special powers and is a vampire, he thinks himself as a monster and a person who lost his soul. This is a bit depressing sometimes but I guess it is because he scrutinizes himself more than he scrutinizes Bella and others – a simply great virtue.

Some people perceive meekness as being soft or weak. From a word of a British monk and spiritual teacher - Meekness in itself is nothing else than a true knowing and feeling of a man’s self as he is. Any man who truly sees and feels himself as he is must surely be meek indeed.


4. Edward always watches and controls his own reaction to Bella.

This is related to the previous reason. For one to truly love, they must continually task themselves to self-scrutiny, which is the essence of humility or meekness.

Edward is almost never really mad at Bella, whatever she does. The irony of wanting her blood so much make him knows that, if he loses an inch of control, he may end up killing her. Thus, I find Edward’s control is really self-sacrificing and a humongous effort on this part to be near Bella but never lost control. In the book, we can hear him said to Bella “I can't ever lose control with you.”

He also said: “Will you please tell me what you’re thinking? BEFORE I go mad?” Even in this situation, I think he is saying he is mad at himself rather than mad at Bella.


5. Edward always tune in to Bella’s thoughts and feeling.

The fact that he can read everybody’s mind except Bella’s makes Edward try harder than anything to tune in to Bella’s thoughts and feeling. Because of this, he keeps asking how Bella is feeling and what she is thinking.

This might be uncommon with most of the guys – who seldom really ask their partner how they are feeling and thinking about things but instead “try to read” (NO, they do not have power like Edwards to read into people minds) and assume. Most of the times, they assume wrongly – that’s why the saying that “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” is validated over and over again.

In the movie or book, he also always asked Bella “Are you afraid of me?” He asked when Bella knew he is a vampire and he asked that when he killed Victoria by dismembering her in front of Bella. You can sense his genuine concerns when he asked that. He seems to care so much about what Bella feels about him.

Edward said in the book - “Never be afraid to tell me how you feel, Bella. If this is what you need… You are my first priority.”


6. Edward never trumps on Bella’s awkwardness, instead he shows his admiration.

When Edward told Bella that he can read minds:
Bella: Is there something wrong with me?
Edward: See... I tell you I can read minds and you think there's something wrong with you?

In other case, Bella is worried about how Edward’s family will perceive her. Edward responded “So you're worried, not because you'll be in a house full of vampires, but because you think they won't approve of you?” and he laughed.

As I blog earlier, it is so common for people to set standards and judge you on that.


7. Edward is very understanding despite his jealousy.

He is not even holding grudge against Jacob, his love enemy because he understand that Jacob has the right to love Bella. Bella also has the right to hang out with Jacob because Jacob is her friend and he was there for her when Edward left her.
Edward said to Jacob. “If we weren’t natural enemies, and you weren’t trying to steal my reason for existing, I might like you.”

And Edward’s reaction toward Bella and Jacob kissing in Eclipse - astonishing! I do not think any guys can act like him and that’s why guys hate Twilight!

When Edward knew Bella might be mad at him for something he has done, he said to Bella. “Shut your window if you want me to stay away tonight. I’ll understand.” This seems like a great way to earn forgiveness fast– not pushy but be understanding.


8. Edward is willing to admit he is wrong - sincerely.

I live with people who think “My way or no way!”. Thus, when Edwards genuinely admit he is wrong in the following words (in the book), it is simply amazing!
We’re doing this your way. Because my way doesn’t work. I call you stubborn, but look at what I’ve done. I’ve clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what’s best for you, though it’s only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don’t trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong.


9. Edward is hard on his own faults rather than others.

I think this is almost similar with the reason Edward being meek. But I want to make a distinction here. Edward is less forgiving to his own self compared towards others and this is simply such a great virtue.

In the real world, this is usually reversed. People forgive their own selves quickly but hold grudges against other people’s mistakes for a very long time. In fact, some live in the world, pushing all responsibilities and blames to others.

Edward admitted to Bella “I’ll never forgive myself for leaving you. Not if I live a hundred thousand years.”

Edward not only realizes his errors and is harsh on himself, but he also know and willing to bear the consequences. This is one of his quotes in the book:

When I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one to stitch you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark — on both of you. I’m not sure those kinds of stitches dissolve on their own. I can’t blame either of you for something I made necessary. I may gain forgiveness, but that doesn’t let me escape the consequences.


Girls,
Any other reasons you love Edward Cullen? I will love to hear from you.

How do you define the purpose and function of your love partner?

My ex said:
The purpose and function of my woman is to keep our house clean and tidy as well as keep me well fed with home-cooked meals. Those are the only 2 things I demand and there is strictly no negotiation.

These were reasonable demands except for me; it was really like asking me to climb a tree with one arm. It was clearly disastrous!

Then we spent a lot of times pondering why I failed when most women can do these well with ease.

There were a train of reasons:
I was pampered too much before. It was really easy to fall back to my old bad habits. I always forgot here and there. I was busy. I was lazy to change. I just did not put my heart and soul to it. I just did not care enough for him to change.

It was already stressful for me to try to live up to a standard that I was so bad to start with. But with all these speculations on why I was so awkward compared to other women, it really flushed down my self-esteem to the drain. All of these left a huge strain to our relationship.

Nevertheless, I also realized it was for my own good to learn those skills. I used to think the solution to my problem was to hire a maid. But, we were then talking about the basic survival. Without any help from other people, I need to be able to take care of myself and my family.

So, with much perseverance, I got much better.

It solved a lot of our problems.

But then, there were MANY other problems with us.

For him, the problems are mostly with me.

For me, he is the one who create a lot of problems because he likes to find problems with me.

I have to admit I do have a lot of problems. But I have tried my hardest to improve. If trying the hardest is not enough, then I got to accept that things were not working out. With due respect, I am glad I have given it many tries and I am forever thankful to him for making me become better in a lot of things. Eventually, I have to accept who I am and get on with my life. It took a lot of heartaches and I kept wondering why our relationship could not work out even though I put all my heart on it.

Then, unexpectedly when I was not really looking for answers, I found them. It provides a profound realization and another perspective to what he asked of me and why I always seemed to fail him.

In his book “The road less travelled”, Dr. Scott Peck heard one man of the couples group stated that the purpose and function of his wife is keep their house neat and keep him well fed. He was aghast by that statement and he called it blatant male chauvinism.

What surprised him was most people gave similar answers to the “purpose and statement” of their partners. They define the purpose and function of their wives or husbands in reference to themselves and fail to perceive that their own mates might have an existence basically separate from their own or any kind of destiny apart from their marriage.

He said “it’s no wonder that you are all having difficulties in your marriages, and you’ll continue to have difficulties until you come to recognize that each of you has your own separate destiny to fulfil.” I cannot agree more.

He then proceeded to declare the purpose of his wife, Lily - is to grow to be the most of which she is capable, not for my benefit but for her own and to the glory of God.

I could not believe how different it was between Dr. Scott's views against the one that was set upon me before. I felt a lot of anguish for being coerced and measured against some criteria set by someone who declared his love for me. I could not stop crying for a while because I realized then with all the soul, I have a deep desire to have my loved one define my purpose and function is to grow to be the most which I am capable, not for anyone benefit but for my own and to the glory of God.

Someone who realize that each of us have separate destiny to fulfill.

Image Courtesy of iStockphoto.com

My Life over Coffee

The woman on the table next to me was sitting so close that I could smell her shampoo. When she stroked her hair with her hand a few times, I wish silently she does not have dandruff.

My favorite coffee place was very packed. But taking great delights in my coffee and typing away at my keyboards, I could care less about hogging my seat for 5 hours now.

These are moments I spend times to do the things I like. Actually, nothing much in particular – just spends times with Susan.

Yes, that’s me.

Myself.

Despite the noisy and crowded environment, I am oblivious to things around me. Only my computer, my book and coffee got most of my attention.

Occasionally, I glance at some women and take note of their hair styles and dresses, trying to be some kinds of fashion police.

I notice one woman in a black and tightly-clad dress, which makes her looks too thin. Another woman has a beaded hair. She is pretty but I think her hair style is a mistake. Then I notice a lot of women’s eyes with heavy mascaras. It makes me wish I am wearing it like them, except I am just too lazy to do makeup.

This is funny though. My fashion sense has always been below average but it is so easy for me to judge others.

I was surfing the net just now until the Wi-Fi Connection became unavailable an hour ago.

While surfing, I managed to read some blogs, check my emails, access Facebook. Recently a friend from Denmark, whom I befriended in the chat room more than 15 years ago, suddenly got back in touch with me.

After 15 years?

Surprisingly! But it was back at the time, when mIRC is the most popular chat software. I also read few pages of the book I brought along.

Seriously, I cannot be without a book everywhere I go!

I text-ed my good friend just now to ask her out for dinner next week and we confirmed on Tuesday. My parents called to ask me something about giving away my brother’s old computer.


This is my typical weekend when I am not going out with friends or doing something useful with my time.

This is the “quiet” time for me to write and reflect on things around me.

My life has been series of new discoveries now.

On Friday last week, I waited for the train for an hour only to get stuck when it broke down just few minutes after taking off from the station. I was trapped in darkness with hundreds of people. It was stuffy. Luckily the doors could be pried open and a few people got out from the train. I only discovered then that the train is actually quite high from the grounds. So, I did not feel necessarily for me to get outside as long as the air was flowing in. Some got impatient and walked back on the railroads. A dangerous move, I have to say. Accident happens all the times and having your body run over by a train is no funny business.

On Friday this week, I have a surprising finding which is very good news to me. It makes me feel an unexpected good turn of life – at the time when I am least expected it. I also almost lost my office laptop because I left it at the Mamak stalls but I was so lucky the store keeper managed to keep it for me. Another lucky , lucky break! Thank God!

Few weeks ago, I visited the Myanmar refugees and experienced a lot of things. And I managed to write about this.

Yesterday, I went for blood donation for the first time. (Yes, for first time, can you believe that?). And while I was having the blood sucked out of my body, a cameraman from one of the TV station decided to point his camera at me. Haha. I wonder whether I was going to be on TV.

And I also went together with my friend to take her dog to the dog clinic – also first time for me.

Next week, I am on something new too.

I think I am content with my life for the time being, despite my broken relationship.

It has been more than 3 months now. It is easy to be depressed or think of the things that make me sad. But I know that I have to keep moving forward. Think of positive things and let go. Forget the past and forgive.

People say the initial breakup period is like livings in a void, where we feel disorient and going on an emotion roller coaster.

But I know this is the important time of my life, because this is the time when I can reflect on my inner self to find wisdom in life.

I think I will miss this when this is over, no matter how hard it is now.

Does it take a lot to give words of encouragement to people you love even though you might not fully understand or accept them?

Yes, I guess it does for most people. It applies to me as well. I am definitely not at a very comfortable level of giving complements, supports and encouragements to people easily. But I really desire to be much better. I want to be able to do it so easily like I am breathing each day.

I envision one day, my children will look up to me and able to say “My mom is always there to support me even though nobody does.”

The caveat - I know I will not be able to fully understand my children. Times will change everything around us, some generation gaps will appear. I also know at many times in the future, I really think they are doing the wrong things; their actions may even conflict with my principles. I may not be able to believe in their dreams, not able to accepts their friends, partners and lifestyle.

But I want to stay true to one function (among all others) as their mother who loves them tremendously – TO ENCOURAGE and SUPPORT THEM, even when the rest of the world scorn at them, as long as they are not making the world an evil place.

I recently watched “Philadelphia”, a movie produced in 1993 and played by Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington (both actors made a lot of great movies) . Tom played a gay lawyer infected with AIDS, who was fired from his law firm due to the discrimination. So, he engaged another good lawyer (Denzel) to help him sue his previous employer and to fight for his right even though he was nearing the deathbed. It is a touching movie, one that makes you question on how different people perceive each others, perceive what is right and wrong – which there is no absolute right and wrong, except on where you stand to look at it. (In fact, a lot of touching movies do that on different levels – for e.g., another good movie is Crash (2004)).

One scene that really swarms me with emotions and wet my eyes is when Tom Hanks’s family pledge their supports to him, in a way that is so extraordinarily beautiful.

Andy (played by Tom Hanks):
There will be things said at the trial that are hard for you to hear...about me and my personal life.
And there's gonna be publicity. I want to make sure it's okay with everybody.

His brother:
I think it's great that you're asking, Andy…but this is really your call.

Andy:
All right. Thank you, brother.

His brother:
Hey, you're my kid brother.
That's all that matters.
Okay?

Sister:
To be honest, I'm worried about Mommy and Daddy.
They've been through so much already.
And it's possible there are going to be some very tough times ahead.

(Even though the sister was not pledging her support, but notice that she said "I'm worried" not, "You should worry" (sharing what she feels, rather than telling you what you should feel). And she also said "it's possible" because she has no way to know what is going to happen and it is not right for her to judge. See? Small words like these portray a lot of sensitivities.)

Daddy:
Andy, the way that you've handled this whole thing...
you and Miguel...(Miguel is Andy’s gay partner)
with so much courage...

I don't believe there's anything..
that anyone could say that would...make us feel anything but incredibly proud of you.

Mommy:
Well, I didn't raise my kids to sit in the back of the bus.
You get in there and you fight for your rights, okay?

Andy:
Gee, I love you guys.

Incredible, isn't it? Their parents were saying they are proud of their gay son, who contracted AIDS due to his choice of sexuality and probably his own carelessness; the same guy who worked so hard for his company despite his illness, putting himself in danger, only to be fired by the company and now he want to sue the company and putting his whole family in the spotlight and probably embarrassment, as well as putting more stress to himself while he is dying. This story may have been made up but it is definitely a great inspiration.

And, when it comes to inspiration on simple encouragement from the parent, I could almost recite the words from a scene in Pursuit of Happyness (2006) – an meaningful exchange between father and son

Father: Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you... You can't do something. Not even me. All right?

Son: All right.

Father: You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want something, go get it. Period.

I do not think it takes a lot for the speakers to say those words, but the one who receive that, the very same one that may be in difficult situations or greatly discouraged – it means a WHOLE WORLD to them.

But, ask ourselves this - what we usually tend to do in those situations? The answer: We act the exact opposite. We tell our loved one off. We reject them. We shun their ideas. We label them with different names – selfish, stupid, silly, crazy, inconsiderate, etc. And most of all, we want to force our ideas and what we think into them. So that maybe, some where, sometimes in the future, when they realize their mistakes, they would recall what we have told them and we get the satisfaction out of telling them “I told you so but you did not want to follow!”

The irony is – sometimes, when we "fervently warn" the people we love of what we perceive to be mistakes, in some hidden parts in our hearts, we unconsciously wish for them making the exact mistakes that we have warned them, this so to prove ourselves right, whereas our loves for them consciously wish them to be happy and successful – both situations are contradictory like the sun and the rain.

Finally, 10 Rules to remind ourselves on how we should treat them (our loved ones):

1. Remember this - our faith and beliefs can move mountains. So believe and have faith in them because we will help them to move their mountains.

2. When we find them deciding or acting on things that are probably going to be some sort of mistakes, do NOT find 10 things out of the situation to prove we are right, find just 1 thing to prove we can be wrong and stick to that only.

3. Prepare to support and give them a shoulder to cry on when they really fail. Do not feel it is right to retract that because they have not follow our advices.

4. If we feel the urge to say something that sound like “I told you so…” – bite our tongues and just keep that to ourselves. FOREVER.

5. Don’t force our opinion and judgment on them most of the times. We have the right to say what we feel and think but those are just our feelings and opinions, NOT theirs.

6. Remember this – even though we are the more experienced, older and/or smarter people, accept that we may also be wrong sometimes. To Err Is Human.

7. Remember what Peter Drucker said “If You Keep Doing What Worked in the Past You’re Going to Fail” – so do not expect others (especially our children) to follow what we have done last times even though we have proven records of success.

8. Always stand by them, even though when they are wrong sometimes. They need us to be their loved one, NOT the judge, NOT the police officer, NOT the priest and NOT the executor. Everyone will be judged by God eventually.

9. Remember that our loved ones have their other loved ones as well – for e.g. our partner has other loved ones like parents, siblings, friends, relatives, mentors, etc; our parent has other loved ones like their parents, their other children and grand children. It is a very complex relationship. Be understanding and do not demand and measure amount of love and attention among each others and do not criticize and reject the loved ones of our loved ones (sound complex, I know).

10. Love them for who they are, not who we want them to be.

Warning: Do not overdo this, else we will be too pampering, which create another set of problems.

When we really love someone

When we really love someone, we always strive to give the very best to them. We even willingly sacrifice ourselves or give up on things. Most of the time, we love them based on what we perceive how they want to be loved. But, is that really how they want to be loved? I guess, maybe not.

I read somewhere about this a while ago. Tests were performed on couples where they need to choose which furniture design they think their partners might like. The result is intriguing - most of them were wrong. When asked what make them choose the design - it is because they like it, so they assume their partners like it too. The conclusion of the test is most of us think our partners like what we like. Or, our partners are very much like us.

I remember clearly about a story I saw in a movie many years ago. The story is set in the early time in China.

Chang is a high-ranking government officer, a judge in court. But he is corrupted and much-hated in his community where he services. He takes every bribes offered by the riches and easily twists the justice in court. However, despite all that, beneath him is a very kind man who just want to be a "normal" officer as non-corrupted officers are very rare back then and can easily be out of the job due to political reasons (somehow, it maybe quite the same now) . In fact, behind the scene, he secretly help people and becomes the masked hero to the people. No one suspects he is the masked hero - to everyone, he is very far from being a hero.

Even his soon-to-be wife, Jen, a demure and very likable girl in the neighborhood, is kept in the dark. But, somehow, Jen does see something beyond what other people see - the kindness in him that she knows one day will be shown to the people. So, she stands by him no matter how many people oppose him and question her why she wants be with a man like Chang. She hopes, one day, Chang can change his corrupted ways and turn into a respected man.

But soon, with so many things against them, things turn more nasty and they eventually break up. Despite that, their love still remain. The once strong waves that they have been through suddenly become calm. Everything is calm but also lifeless.

One day, they bump into each other again on the street and decide to have dinner together at their old favorite stall. And their favourite order is a bowl of wanton dumplings noodles for each. When the bowls of fresh hot soup noodles arrive, out of habit, Jen begins to take out 4 wanton dumplings out of 6 from her bowl to pass to Chang's. But before she reaches, she paused momentarily, in awkward realization that she should not be doing that anymore. Chang catches her act, and smile awkwardly too. Jen then takes back her dumplings and they begin on their meals.

Either it is to break the silence or the awkwardness of the situation, Jen reveals to Chang how she actually like to eat the wanton dumplings. Due to her love for him, she wants to sacrifice her favorites to give the best to him. Chang is so shocked by the revelation, that he pauses for a moment, and then burst out laughing. Now, it is Jen's turn to be shocked. Chang quickly reveals that he actually does not really like the wanton dumplings and prefer the noodles and the flavour of the soups. He thought that Jen must have feel the same and want to get rid of her wanton dumplings. All those whiles, by eating all the dumplings, he always becomes very full and it sometimes make his stomach uneasy. He has always wondered why Jen never bother to ask the waiters to reduce the dumplings during orders if she does not really like them.

Though it is ironic to learn that after such a long time being together, but both are very relieved to know these in the ends. They both wonder why they never share these little simple preferences when they were together and just assume that the other person feels and like the same things. Though this is just an misunderstanding on a very small thing, but it is also an indication on how they can wrongly perceive each others' love and sacrifices at times.

Making sacrifices and doing something that we do not really like doings for our loved ones are very admirable and important in a relationship. So are the basic things like hugging, kissing and intimacy. But, on top of that, are these challenges:
1) to find out and understand how our other halves really want to be loved.
2) sometimes, all it takes is ASK.
3) accepts the fact that they are different from us or even different from other people we know
4) accepts there are nothing wrong with them being different from us
5) do things for them which they really like.
6) let them do things that they like even though you do not like

Sometimes, it requires you to not be "yourself". Sometimes, it requires you to get out of your comfort zone. These are all very unique in each relationship and for different couples - means it is totally different situations with your ex and with your current.

The finding and understanding part is the most challenging. And often than not, it takes a long period of observation and probably have to go through a lot of misunderstandings to finally come to the right understanding. Then, it comes to the equally important part - accepting who they are and being able to compromise.

Photo Credit : Stock.xchng

In the story just now, Chang and Jen reunite in the end after they go through a whole cycle of learning how differences they are and yet how similar they are in misunderstanding each other.
Chang also becomes the true hero in this community when his honorable deeds are finally revealed. A fairy-tale story but there are things to learn from too - when you really love someone, just loving them may not be enough - love them the ways they want to be loved.

Hindsight: When I did not realize I could choose my friends

Thirty is a good age to start to reflect on things that have happened for the past 10-15 years and try to see them in a different light. In most cases, I ask myself what I could have done differently back then when I have my current level of wisdom and maturity .

No, it does not have to be thirty for you to have the hindsight, although it is for me. You can actually start right now even if you are 25 or 35, or even 45. But I find there should be 3 things that should happen first.

1. First, you need to have major changes in any different areas of your life: Career, love, financial, friends, or family. Or all of them.

2. Second, in these areas, somethings are lost and somethings are found. In most cases, the first and second means some crisis that you have been through. In the aftermath, you discover something that would not have come to you if you have not lost anything at all.

3. And third, which happen later, is that you have slowed down on a lot of things. After sometimes, you have cleared out the clutters in your life and you are starting to get things back in order with whatever you have found in the process.

All those three things happened. And THEN, "it" comes naturally like someone turn on a pipe and the water flows out swiftly.

All the past major events start flowing back to you. It is not any events like attending a wedding or even your graduation. The events are those moments that have signaled something to you that you cannot understand or pick up back then. Until Now. It is like replaying a DVD again. Only this time, you knew the ending already. You already knew who are the heroes and who are not. So this time, you monitor each of them carefully to find the telling signs when you have missed it previously.

Since I have many of those reflections, I actually have problems knowing where to start and what to share. (yes, my blog posts are not coming so frequent nowadays)

So, I have to do the obvious. I can only start one by one. And, for this post, I choose this event that happened almost 12 years ago, which was during my college time. It was a time when I have lost a friend who was smart, matured and helpful. 12 years later, I realize that kind of friends is someone who I can learn many things from and may even inspire me to do something great.

Most of the people in the class called him 'Sifu', that means a Guru because of his outstanding intelligence and willingness to help people. I got to work with him in a project in a funny incident. The project was actually our first group assignment in the college. The lecturer asked us to form groups of 4 persons each. At the end of the class, I found myself without group as I barely knew anyone in the class. There are another 2 guys who were in the same predicament, one of them is Sifu. So, we decided to form a group of 3, whereas every other groups have 4 members. At first,it was very awkward for us to work together as we did not know each others' strengths and weaknesses yet. So, when the lecturer asked us to elect a team leader, Sifu was the obvious choice, because he is the oldest among us. Soon, we found that Sifu was actually very smart and knowledgable. The other guy (whom I call him 'Funky' later in the years because it rhymes well with his name) was not bad either. And of course, though I was not so knowledgeable in Computer subjects back then, I am always an avid and fast learner. Thus, each of us contributed our work, but Sifu was the one who compiled, corrected and enhanced the work after we submitted to him. When the assignment result was announced, we were at the top, even though we were short of one pair of hands and brain. Everyone in the class was very surprised. We were too, but were very elated and proud as well.

On the other hand, I started to get real close with a girl in the class who sat 2 seat away from me. We were almost inseparable in and outside the class. She became my best friend in college. I introduced her to my team members. After sometimes, we were like part of a larger group around 10-15 people. We all would hang out after class sometimes and we went on several trips together. There were many happy moments.

Soon after, feelings developed between Sifu and my girl friend. Funny part was there were also rumors between me and Sifu, which honestly speaking, although we worked well together, it was just friendship between us. Anyway, the relationship between them turned wishy-washy. At one point, one would drop hint that he or she want to be together as couple while the other would not respond or even try to avoid. At another point, the same thing repeated but with reversed characters. Since I am closest to both of them, I tried to encourage both of them to start the relationship if they really have feelings for each other.

Finally one day, both of them decided to talk it out openly between themselves whether they should be together or not. Unfortunately, I was pulled along in the discussion as well, which clearly, I shouldn't be there at all- my first mistake. I should have insisted not to take part and just walked away eventhough my best friend requested me to be there.

Long story short, in an already messy situations prior to starting the relationship, let just say, the girl laid out the terms and conditions to the relationship, the guy could not bite it and the girl refused to relent. So, that was end of it, the doom of their relationship even from the very beginning. To make matter worse, Sifu made this clear- since they came to this stage and cannot become a couple, there is no point for them to continue become friends as well. I think that is because his pride and hope were destroyed by a somewhat, unjust demand from the other party. One of the demand, was that the boyfriend must accept that his girlfriend who will always put friends on top of him in terms of priority. You can very well imagine the reaction on a guy if he is so unfortunate to hears that kind of thing. Though at that time, I was also very surprised and knew the demand was a bit illogical, but I chose to let it pass my judgment. I let myself think Sifu was at greater fault because even though relationship did not work out (who can guarantee it always can anyway?), he should at least be graceful and try to maintain friendship. That was my second mistake. Though my best friend also obviously did wrongs that day, I did not scold her or anything, which I should. I should be more impartial.

After that day, Sifu never talked to us anymore. Over the time, the group also split because some of us would continue our second year in other location/branch under the same college. So, we seldom cross each others' paths. I also lost touch with the other group who studied in the different location, also partly because they are closer to Sifu. I guess that was my final mistake, as I have done nothing to salvage the friendship between Sifu and me. I could not remember whether Sifu clearly stated that he could not even be friend with me because of what happened that day, but I did think, we maybe still can be friends if I have taken the initiative and show my impartiality. But I also did what I did because I did not want to hurt my best friend, who was already angry at Sifu for how he just wiped off the friendship like that.

Few years later, I heard that he started a cybercafe business with some of our college mates last time. At that time, I was still very much an employee. I had not the slightest idea on how to start anything on my own yet, even though I always know during college time, that I want to do that sometimes maybe after 5 years of working. When I think back now, it would be good if I can still be part of that group that is obviously entrepreneurial. Maybe I can learn something from them or even join in the venture.

DECISION
Photo Credit : Stock.xchng

My biggest mistakes in this story when I reflect back is not my inaction or my lack of initiative to right the wrongs. It is this -- I did not realize that I CAN and actually SHOULD CHOOSE MY FRIENDS. It was a very grave mistake that I continued for more than 10 years. What I did is just tagged along with any groups I got close with. I stood by and helped a lot of them whenever they needed me. I wanted to be a loyal and helpful friend to others. And I think now, I have done too much, but too little for myself. It is mainly due to my fear of being criticized and not being accepted by people. I want to follow the gang. I want to be nice to everybody.

Following are some of the good advices that I should have taken long ago:

1. You cannot choose your family but you can choose your friends.

2. Choose your friend wisely, carefully, and by their characters.

3. Hang out with people who are smarter and more successful than you.

4. Stay away from negative people, complainers, and losers.

5. You become like the people you hang out with.

6. (And even in Bible - Proverbs 12:26) The righteous should choose friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.

7. We should also pick the people we work with.

I have too many stories about friends (some good and bad things) that I feel like writing about. Sometimes, I fear that people will attack me when all I tell is how bad people are, like stories about my ex. (Actually, I did get started on the book. It has almost 30 pages now). It takes times to conquer the fear - but for now, what the heck on what people think!!

How ordinary people become monsters ... or heroes

"The world is always filled with goods and evil."

There are many times as conveyed in many of my previous postings, I wonder at how good people can turn bad, how and why people condone evilness, how we sometimes struggle within ourselves to want to be good or bad when our life goes off-course, and whether to forgive people who did evil things to us.

It is always fascinating to me to explore the subject of goods and evil. My INFP personality describe me as the following:

An INFP describes the inner conflict as not good versus bad, but on a grand scale, Good vs. Evil. Luke Skywalker in Star Wars depicts this conflict in his struggle between the two sides of "The Force." Although the dark side must be reckoned with, the INFP believes that good ultimately triumphs.

Thus, when I recently stumbled across the talk by Philip Zimbardo in TED, the author of the book "Lucifer Effect - understanding how good people turn evil", I am very much excited to continue on the subject. Click on this link to watch the interesting talk.

Here are the summary of the talk:

1. When our most favourite angel, Lucifer turned into devil, it shows that ordinary people can transform into perpetrators of Evil.

2. Evil is the exercise of power to intentionally harm (psychologically), hurt (physically) , and/or Destroy (mortally) and commit crimes against humanity.

3. There are 8 social processes that grease the slippery slope of evil (there are a lot of similarities with the points I tried to make in my posting Human Crime Today, so I show it here side-by-side) :

(1) mindlessly taking the first smallstep.

(2) dehumanization of Others

(3) De-individuation of Self (anonymity)

(4) Diffucation of Personal Responsiblity. - DON’T THINK OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF OUR ACTIONS.

(5) Blind Obedience to Authority - FOLLOW THE CROWD. FOLLOW THE AUTHORITY.

(6) Uncritical Conformity to Group Norms. - IGNORANT. AFRAID TO DO WHAT OTHERS CONSIDERED AS UNCONVENTIONAL OR NOT COURTEOUS.

(7) Passive tolerance of evil through Inaction, of indifferent.
WAIT AND SEE. DON’T RESPOND TO THE SITUATIONS UNTIL IT BECOMES CRITICAL. IT IS NOT URGENT TO SOLVE THE PROBLEMS (ACTIVE). MAYBE IF WE DO NOTHING, IT WILL GO AWAY

(8) In new or unfamiliar situations.

4. Give people power without oversight can cause evilness.

5. We should refocus away from Evil to understanding heroes- most heroes are everyday people, who emerge as heroes only in particular situations. - For e.g. Joe Darby , who stopped the Abu Ghraib abuses by exposing the photos to a senior officer. HE DID THE RIGHT THING WHEN OTHERS WERE DOING THE WRONG THING.

6. Situations have power to do 3 things:

(1) The very same situation that can inflame the hostile imagination , in those who become perpetrators, of evil can also inspire the
(2) Heroic imagination in others of us, or
(3) render most people passive bystanders and guilty of The Evil of Inaction. (they follow momma's advice: don't get inolved and mid your own business!
But momma humanity is my business.)

So, we can choose to be a Perpetrator of Evil, Guilty of inaction or Be a hero!.

7. We should encourage children to develop the heroic imagination and talents - Hero-in-Waiting.

8. You have to know how to be a deviant to be a hero. Act when other people are passive, be social-centric not ego-centric.

9. A true Hero said "I did what anyone could do, and waht everyone OUGHT to do".



I also learned from the Nuremberg Trials, why the Nazi leaders can commit evilness on such a grand scale to the Jewish under the influence of just one man - Adolf Hitler. There are 2 main reasons which I could not have agreed more. There are: 1) the lack of empathy for other people and 2) the culture to follow the authority without questioning.

Let's put on our halos and fight for the goodness in the world!

He's Just Not That Into You

I can’t wait to see this movie. After all, I have literally lived that kind of life for more than 6 years in my past relationship, trying to figure out what were wrong in our relationship, when the answer is so obvious. It was my first relationship, anyway, so I did not know any better. I wish I had known earlier.



I start to read the book too. It makes me wonder why women can be so dumb sometimes. Unfortunately that includes me!

I think this is a very good education book for women. So, I would like to share the catching introduction here.

Introduction by Liz

It started out just like any other day. We were all working in the writers’ room of Sex and the City, talking, pitching ideas, our personal love lives weaving in and out of the fictional lives we were creating in the room. And just like on any other day, one of the women on staff asked for feedback on a the behavior of a man whom she liked. He was giving her mixed messages—she was confused. We were happy to pitch in and pick apart all the signs and signals of his actions. And just like on any other day, after much analysis and debate, we concluded that she was fabulous, he must be scared, he’s never met a woman as great as her, he is intimidated, and she should just give him time. But on this day, we had a male consultant in the room—someone who comes in a couple of times a week to give feedback on story lines and gives a great straight-male perspective: Greg Behrendt. On this day, Greg listened intently to the story and our reactions, and then said to the woman in question, “Listen, it sounds like he’s just not
that into you.”

We were shocked, appalled, amused, horrified, and above all, intrigued. We sensed immediately that this man might be speaking the truth. A truth that we, in our combined hundred years of dating experience, had never considered, and definitely never considered saying out loud. “Okay, he might have a point,” we reluctantly agreed. “But Greg couldn’t possibly understand my very busy and complicated possible future husband.” Soon we went around the room, Greg, the all-knowing Buddha, listening to story after mixed-message story. We had excuses for all these men, from broken dialing fingers to difficult childhoods. In the end, one by one, they were shot down by Greg’s powerful silver bullet. Greg made us see, after an enormous amount of effort, that if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s
going to get in his way. And if he’s not sane, why would you want him? He could back it up too: He had years of playing the field, being the bad boy, being the good boy, and then finally falling in love and marrying a really fantastic woman.

A collective epiphany burst forth in the room, and for me in particular. All these years I’d been
complaining about men and their mixed messages; now I saw they weren’t mixed messages at all. I was the one that was mixed up. Because the fact was, these men had simply not been that into me. Now, at first glance it seems that this should have been demoralizing to us, it should have sent us all into a tailspin. Yet the opposite was true. Knowledge is power, and more importantly, knowledge saves us time. I realized that from that day forward I would be spared hours and hours of waiting by the phone, hours and hours of obsessing with my girlfriends, hours and hours of just hoping his mixed messages really meant “I’m in love with you and want to be with you.” Greg reminded us that we were all beautiful, smart, funny women, and we shouldn’t be wasting our time figuring out why a guy isn’t calling us. As Greg put it, we shouldn’t waste the pretty.

It’s hard. We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception. It’s intoxicatingly liberating. But we also know it’s not an easy concept. Because this is what we do: We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they’re behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that’s the truth: He’s just not that into me.

That’s why we’ve included questions from women taken from real situations. They represent the basic excuses we all use that keep us in situations far longer than we should be. So read, enjoy, and hopefully learn from other women’s confusion. And above all, if the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start “figuring him out,” please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find the one that is.

Introduction by Greg

So I’m sitting in the writers’ room at Sex and the City pondering my good fortune to be the only straight male on the predominantly female writing staff (actually I’m just eating a cookie), when the writers begin talking about guys they’re seeing. This is a common occurrence, as it is part of the writing process for a show that explores romantic relationships. It is endlessly fascinating. I know that sounds sarcastic, but I’m being for real.

So on this particular day, one of the ladies pipes up with, “Greg, you’re a guy.” She is very observant, this one, for I am indeed a guy. Then she says, “So I’ve been seeing this guy…. Well, I think I have.” I know the answer. “See, we went to a movie and it was great. I mean he didn’t hold my hand, but that’s cool. I don’t like to hold hands.” Still know the answer. “But afterward he kissed me in the parking lot. So I asked if he wanted to come over, but he had a really important meeting in the morning so he didn’t come over.” C’mon. Are you kidding me? Know it!

So I asked, “Have you heard from him?”

“Well, that’s the thing. This was like a week ago”—now you should know the answer—“and then today he e-mails me and is like, ‘Why haven’t I heard from you?’ ”

I stared at her for a moment while the answer was bursting out of my eyeballs. (Oh, ladies, you make me so mad sometimes!) Here is this beautiful, talented, super-smart girl, who is a writer on an awardwinning TV show, a show known for its incisive observations about men, who you would think could have her pick of just about any dude around. This superstar of a woman is confused about a situation that to me is so clear. Actually, confused is the wrong word, because she’s too smart for that. She’s hopeful, not confused. But the situation is hopeless, so I broke the news to her: “He’s just not that into you.”

And let me tell you, that’s the good news, because wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. And when you do move on and find your right person, believe me, you’re not going to wish you had gotten to spend more time with Stinky the Time-Waster or Freddy Can’t-Remember-to-Call.

Look, I am not a doctor, neither real nor imagined. But I am an expert that should be listened to because of one very important thing: I’m a guy—a guy that has had his fair share of relationships and is willing to come clean about his behavior in them. Because I’m a guy, I know how a guy thinks, feels, and acts, and it’s my responsibility to tell you who we really are. I’m tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.

When a guy is into you, he let’s you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you, and when it’s time to have sex, he’s more than overjoyed to oblige. I don’t care if he’s starting his new job as the president of the United States the next morning at 0400 (that’s 4 A.M. ladies!). He’s coming up!

Men are not complicated, although we’d like you to think we are, as in “Things are really crazy right now. I’ve just got a ton of shit going on.” We are driven by sex, although we’d like to pretend otherwise: “What? No, I was totally listening.” And sadly (and most embarrassingly), we would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us. We are pathetic. But the fact remains, even though we may not be saying it we are absolutely showing you all the time. If a dude isn’t calling you when he says he will, or making sure you know that he’s dating you, then you already have your answer. Stop
making excuses for him, his actions are screaming the truth: He’s just not that into you.

Move on, sister! Cut your losses and don’t waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don’t want to hear it? Fine. Here’s the answer you’re looking for: “Hang in there, baby. He’s not the loser everybody’s telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!” But please don’t be surprised when he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.

We’ve heard it and you’re sick of it. That’s probably why you’re in possession of this book now. You know you deserve to have a great relationship. We agree. So grab a highlighter and get started. Liz told you I was going to say it: Don’t waste the pretty!