Bucky on Humanity, Integrity, and Transcendental Meditation

Here is a remarkably inspiring session between Mr Buckminster Fuller (Bucky) and Maharishi Mahesh Yogi where they talked about the universal basis of the life of individual and cosmos.

The basis of this exchange:

Bucky said he first started to explore the untapped faculties of the human mind in 1927, which is when he first began investigating meditation. However, he was not impressed with what he learned because he concluded people were meditating for their own personal advantage, rather than to help the world.
Bucky’s impression changed dramatically 44 years later when he met Maharishi at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst.

It came as a great delight to me in meeting Maharishi to learn that he, in his studies, had discovered that in the very earliest recorded thinking in India, that the meditator was exploring these faculties … on behalf of his fellow man.

And Bucky revealed the “great news” of the time:

What is really news is that there have people contemplating and isolating themselves for thousands of years, not apparently trying to bring the advantage to the many except in mysterious ways. I am sure what has made Maharishi beloved and understood is that he has manifest love. You could not meet with Maharishi without recognizing instantly his integrity. You look in his eyes, and there it is. 

I would like to say to the news media that the great news is that America has its arms open for the truth, love, tenderness, compassion, and the only way we can know the truth, is through our mind. And the world is demonstrating in this wave of inspiration by Maharishi, its yearning and its determination for humanity to survive on our planet. 

Very deep forces are operative here, the forces of the great intellect of the universe itself. This is the news. It is not easy to report this kind of news, but this is the news.

Watch these videos for more of the exchange.



It takes quite an effort for me to understand fully the exchange between Bucky and Maharishi, both are Enlightened Masters. Perhaps, someone can help explain more to me in the comment section. Thank you in advance.

And again, in the simplest term, what transpire is love and love is all that is real, as taught in A Course in Miracles.

"Love does not conquer all things, but it does set all things right."
- Excerpted from A Course in Miracles

Know Thyself

Have you try any personality tests? 

I have tried Myers-Briggs Personality (MBTI) and Dominance-Influence-Steadiness-Conscientiousness (DISC), Herrmann Brain Dominance Instrument (HBDI), Audio-Visual-Kinesthetic and even some animals categories - Hare-Tortoise-Owl-Squirrel. I have also done my Enneagram test 2 months ago and re-did my DISC profile (And I got different profile result this time). In Enneagram, I am called a Four - The Individualist from the nine personality types. Below is one of the reminder note for me as a four.

The overall keynote of Fours is subjectivity. In order to keep their sense of self alive, Fours need to have a personal and emotional resonance with their experiences. They therefore "take everything personally," and for better or worse, often invest meaning or find intention where there is none. Notice today when you are taking everything personally. 

Thus, this is my favourite prayer to help me when I am taking things too personally until it hurts:

Dear God, please help me. This is it. Right here. There is where the sword enters my heart. This is where I blow it every time. 

I read occasionally what it tells about my Greek Zodiac (I am an Aries) and Chinese Zodiac. Recently, I also have my BaZi profiling done on my career and relationship. BaZi tells me when are the years I most likely to find my pot of gold or find the right man to have a relationship. It seems I need to be a bit more patient for both.

Now, I wonder how much I traverse the road of knowing myself. 

How many more tests out there that are attempting to tell us more about ourselves but also put us in different categories?

If there is only one certain distinction that any test can tell for me, I would be categorised to those who always need to find out about things. (Now, you can take a guess at my DISC personality). Sometimes I feel I am taking it too broad, may be shallow. Sometimes, I think I am diving too deep. I am constantly curious - I accept that fact. I am really passionate about learning. I feel alive when I am gaining knowledge and become wiser.

But I found the more I learn, the more I know that I know nothing. Okay, that came from Socrates. It is a proof that wisdom and generalised principle can really transcend space and time. I am talking about what Socrates believe more than 2000 years ago is still applicable up to these days. It certainly resonates with me and I think it does with a lot of people.

Perhaps when we meet a divine and transcendent guru, and we ask him questions, most probably we will NOT get direct answers. A lot of things are neither black nor white. A lot of things are not set in stones. It comes from where we are looking at it. A Course in Miracles says Only Love is real. All others that are negatives are just illusions. And we are surrounded by illusions until we surrender to love. And I just learnt from Money and You program that Clarity Leads to Power. I know now that no matter how complex things are, there are always some generalised principles that govern everything.

I do not need to know everything to know all things.

I think I am getting it. Things are getting clearer for me. I am really starting to know myself. I don't really know it, but I can feel it.

How about you? What do you think? Do you know yourself?

How to Improve Decision Making Skill

My friend asked me whether I have any advice on how to improve decision-making skill. And I started asking myself these:

How good am I in making decisions? Had I been making good decisions in the past? 

One word stared straight at me. FAILURES.

Failures = Bad Decisions. There have been many big failures in my life. It took me a long while to recuperate - mentally and emotionally.

But I had a better equation now. Failures = Decision to Learn = Courage to make mistakes. Yes, I have chosen at many times to learn the hard lessons from the bumpy roads in my life.

I had made decision in my past to learn the lessons from life. But now, I have made a decision to win and to love. So my friend's question came just right on time as I also need to improve my decision making skills.

Here are a few decision making strategies that I feel can help.

1. OOC/EMR Decision Making Process from Anthony Robbins

I never quite get down to try this decision making process. But in terms of making big and important decisions, I think it is good to go through this process.

2. From the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell. 

I am not advocating to make decision in a blink - the power of thinking without thinking, the first two seconds decision making or the gut feeling. But this gives us a very good perspective. Sometimes, we already have made a decision in a blink. But we somehow tell ourselves we need more data. Perhaps, it is really good to trust our gut feelings. Perhaps not - it really depends on our level of mastery and the circumstances.

What really stands out for me in "Blink" is a study done on married couples, where they videotaped their conversations. From there, they used the different criteria to predict whether the couple would divorce in years to come. There are certainly a lot of things that can make or break a marriage, but the result was astonishing. It just came down to one criteria - whether the couples have contempt for each other.

My point is there are massive data and thousands of criteria for us to make decision, but usually the key important criteria is just a handful. And that's what we need to focus on. The rest is just noises and are not really important.

I used to break off with a guy because we just seem not able to get together well. Then, I asked both of us to envision how our old age will look like. I envision an old man and old woman lovingly holding hands walking together. He envision an old man alone, sitting on a chair, being at peace. That tells a lot about his value system and my value system in terms of partnership in life. Neither is right or wrong, but to be together, our values system has to align with each other.

3. Is it Love or is it Fear?

From A Course In Miracles and Return to Love (Mariane Williamson), I learn that a lot of things we do and decision we make, either we are driven by love or driven by fear.

Why do we not do the work we love?
Why do we stop from taking that action which will bring good change to our life?
Why do we stop going to the gym, eating healthy food and getting enough sleep?

All I am saying is use LOVE to make the decision instead of fear, and as Paulo Coelho put it, once we make the decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.

Love itself is a decision. We make decision to love ourselves and others, to be happy, to heal and be healed, to change.

Fear is the darkness. Love is the light. We do not get to the light through endless investigation of the darkness. The only way to the light is through entering the light. (From A Return To Love)

Albert Einstein famously proclaimed "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it". It means that if we are to make a decision of a problem solving at the same state when we created the problem in the first place, we will never be making a good decision. When we create the problem, we are in the darkness or in the fear. Thus, we need to go to light and the love to make the decision on how to solve it.

So, let's our decision-making to be driven by love, instead of fear.

Control and Confusion

Am I trying to be in control too much?

Am I trapped in confusion of trying to understanding life too much?

I have my answers from 3 blog posts and also from a friend. He alluded several times to how I spent much of my energy trying to understand and find answers to why things happened instead of focusing on my actions and decisions for the future.

Accept

Blog post: http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2012/08/20/the-myth-of-psyche/

I won’t be able to put it into words better than Paulo Coelho, so I recommend you to read the post avidly.

Points to take home from Paulo Coelho:

Love is an act of faith in another person. Let the face of your love covered in mystery.

Each moment shall be lived and enjoyed, but whenever we try to understand it, the magic disappears.

Those who don’t accept it and always seek an explanation for the magic and mysterious, human relations will lose the best of what life has to offer.

**********************************************

Why did my business fail?

Why did my relationship fail?

Why did I lose my job?

We tend to ask the question “Why?” or “Why Me?” a lot.
The question why is both powerful and destructive. It is powerful to derive some life lessons. It is destructive when we continue to play those in our heads like a broken record and do not realize we might never be able to find the truth of the whole matter.

So, stop trying to understanding too much. Accept the situation as it is. Acceptance is power!

Surrender 

Blog post: http://thinksimplenow.com/clarity/illusion-of-control/

Kate Swoboda pointed out we tend to think we are in control. But that is a dangerous illusion. She gave a terrific example of those who are in denial, saying things like this:
“I’m not trying to control anything–isn’t it right to expect that if someone says they’re going to do something, they should do it?”

Being right? Expectations? Should? 

These words point straight to the heart of control.

I cannot remember how many times I get frustrated and disappointed when I use that kind of control. I thought I was right to keep people to their words. After all, they should keep their promises. I did not care whether they mentioned it casually or swore to it.

I was so wrong and wrecked.

The amazingly simple solution is to surrender the control. Give up the illusion of being in control.
Paulo Coelho also alluded in his story “Those who sought to find safety, found insecurity.”

When it is times to let go, just let go. Trust ourselves. Have faith.

Be Clear, Confident and Courageous

Blog post: http://escaping-mediocrity.com/the-familiar-comfort-of-confusion/

Sarah Robinson in her post “The familiar comfort of confusion”, pointed out how confusion can be comforting to us and thus why people would want to stay in the confused state?

Because it is familiar. Because it keeps us from committing. Because it absolves us of responsibility.

Leaving questions unanswered simply allows us to claim “confusion” as our reason for staying exactly where we are.

We move in the world as if we are clear, as if we are confident, as if we are courageous. Then and only then do these qualities come to us.

When we are confused, we also make people around us confused as well. Even though, we can forcefully say something, our action can be incoherent with our words. And that is confusion. We should take responsibilities to leave the comfort of confusion behind.

Let our beliefs, thoughts, words, feelings and actions be clear, consistent and in alignment.

The 5 More Things I Discovered in Year 2010

Continuing from my earlier post on the things I discovered:

5. Minimal material possessions lead to simpler life.

Moving two times in one year, I discover I have very minimal material possessions. In fact, they can be fitted into a sedan. I consider this a blessing as I have successfully eliminated a lot of physical clutter in my life. It makes me feel tonnes lighter and happier.

I heard of these questions before:
Imagine your life is in a backpack. What do you want to put into the backpack and carry it with you all the times? A house? A car? Imagine how heavy your backpack can be? How sore your shoulder can be to carry a heavy backpack?

6. Attracting the Law of Attraction

I found joy in studying, practicing and sharing passionately with those I know on Law of Attraction. I even delivered my second Toastmaster speech on that. Because of my sharing, I was able to attract more knowledge on Law of Attraction. And I feel so lucky and happy these days as good things have been coming to me recently. And it continues to come.

This is probably the best thing that happened to me in 2010.

Quite a long while ago, I was exposed to Law of Attraction. But that was on a very small scale. I was also advised not to share my knowledge on Law of Attraction with others. The justification is that if others know it, they can use it to do evil things. Based on what I have learned recently, it is not really true. Because Law of Attraction doesn’t work that way. Our “desire” has to be aligned with our “inner self” or the “God” within us. And the “God” within us is good and pure. In fact, I believe that the world can be a better place if more people know and practice the Law of Attraction.

7. I am Switzerland.

I also learnt about the Art of Allowing from Abraham Hicks when learning about Law of Attraction. (http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php)

In short, Art of Allowing is about letting people and situations be as they are, and making peace with yourself. This includes allowing other people to make their own choices (and live out the consequential experience of those choices) for themselves, knowing that your guidance is for you and only they can create for them.

One day, I was in the middle of a healthy argument of my two colleagues on their differing beliefs. Let’s call them Emily and Jonathan. Emily believes success can be achieved only through hard work and Jonathan believes success can come quite easily, without hard work.

When I was asked on my view, I chose to be a Switzerland. Personally, I think both beliefs are true, in a twisted way, for both of them. Because what one choose to believe is always true. So, if Emily believes success can be achieved only through hard work, she is right. Same for Jonathan. And I choose to allow them to make their own choices in their beliefs.

That’s why I am able to accept a lot of different and contradicting things in life. Most importantly, I accept and feel good about who I am, with my flaws, which make me a complete person. And also equally important is who I want to be.

8. It helps me to help others.

I was told something like this before:

You cannot help people if you yourself are not good enough. If you teach others, you will be teaching the wrong things and that is not helping them. If you give others what you barely have, you will suffer. When you suffer, you cannot continue to help others. Sometimes, you let people take too much advantage from you when you try to help. And they’ll step all over you.

Sound logical, right?

For a long while, I was convinced that I was not good enough. So, I refrained from giving advices or helping others. And, this got me into a downward spiral because when I stopped giving, I was not flowing with the nature of the life.

I discover that the more people I help, the happier I am. In fact, when I help others, it feels like I am helping myself, especially to move to the positive directions. I even managed to help lifted a few people when I was in a deep hole myself. The fact is because of that, I gained more energy to pull myself up from the hole I had fallen into (also with helps from friends and families).

I am neither virtuous (because I help people) nor selfish (because one reason is to make myself feel good). It is just something that align with my inner self and thus, I am just answering my own calling.

And, finally..............

9. I CAN LIVE THE LIFE I WANT!

The 4 Things I Discovered in Year 2010

2010 was definitely a dramatic year for me. But I've never felt so alive in my life before. The best part was I made great discoveries about life and myself. This could not be achieved if I did not invite Mr. Pain in my life. But now, it was gone, for good.

So, my journey to self discoveries began in 2010, when the world turned to a new decade.

And I am thankful to God for these:

1. I found Work-Life Balance

It feels great to know that I can be efficient in my job without spending too much overtimes at work. Sure, there were demands in my job like getting on teleconferences at night, working on a night shift occasionally and dealing with conflicts. But I have never had a job like my current one, which allows me to have ample personal times. This opens paths to many interesting things in my life now.

Work-life balance has always been something that seemed out of reach for me. But now that I have experienced it, I am truly thankful for it.

The most important thing is I am still competitive, thinking creatively and always finding ways to do better. For that, I think I can get a promotion for my continuous commitment to excellence. The fact is I am still working hard, but mostly to improve myself in a lot of different areas outside of works. But I think these have indirectly helped me in my job too.

In the book “A Class With Drucker: The Lost Lessons of the World's Greatest Management Teacher”, Peter Drucker was mentioned to encourage his students to develop expertise outside their fields to be effective managers.

2. It is good to keep things short and simple

Mark Twain wrote “If I Had More Time I Would Write a Shorter Letter”. I have been struggling for a long time to write and speak more concisely. It has been a quite a challenge, but I had a lot of practices when preparing Toastmaster speeches. I am forced into it, I would say, as I am only allowed to speak on a subject for 6 o 8 minutes, even though I want to cover far and wide.

So, what should I do?

I learn to cut down on a lot of things. I cut down non-essential things, and even sometimes essential things. Because no one can digest all the stuffs I want to throw out at them. So, I have to pick a few essential ones, make my points and make them strong.

Would you prefer slim and tone OR fat-filled content?

3. Silence is my virtue.

One morning when I was visiting a customer in his office, I accidentally SLAMMED my car door with my thumb in between while parking my car. (Yes, I always manage to do weird things to myself). In spite of the excruciating pain, I did not scream. I did not even utter a single word, not even a sigh. I calmly took a tissue out and wrapped it around my bleeding thumb. Blood spurt out fast and my thumb was getting more swollen by the seconds. But I went on to meet the customer. The only time anyone realized about my mishap was when I had to apologize for not being able to shake their hand. It was a funny and painful experience, but it is a solid case on how silent I can be.

If I was not complaining when my thumbs are throbbing and pain is sharp, I do not see any good reason to complain. In his famous book “How to Win Friends & Influence People”, Dale Carnegie shared a great message. “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive”, which means don’t criticize, condemn or complain. If you have nothing better to say, zip your mouth shut.

That's why silence can be a virtue. And I prefer to be with people who talk about positive things rather than people who complain all the times.

4. I am so over bad guys.

The world wonders why girls are always attracted to bad guy. I know I did and it is past tense now. Believe me, going what I have gone through, I am so OVER bad guys now.

In one of her interview, Kristen Stewart said one of the reasons why she got hook up with a bad guy is because she had this belief that she might just be the special one who can turn a bad guy into a good one. That is the attraction, albeit a fatal one. It turned out she could not (as expected) and so she suffered the consequences. Her view is so right at the point. I think she has learned her lesson. Looks at whom she is with now? Robert Pattinson, and he is the good guy type. (Yes, my Edward Cullen in Twilight world. LOL)

In another example:

In the TV series “Vampire Diaries”, two brothers fall for the same girl (Elena). There is the good brother (Stefan) and there is a bad brother (Damon). Apparently, in real life, Damon character has much more fans than Stefan’s. Look at this poll – Damon won by 80%! Why is that?

A lot of fans even hope Damon can win over Elena in the battle of affections. From Elena’s point of view, why would she want to hook up with a guy who attempted to kill her brother, just because he was in a bad mood and was provoked? (In fact, Damon did kill Elena’s brother, just that there was some super natural thingy that brought him back to life.).

Yes, Damon is sexy and fun, but Elena should not end up with him. No way! Stefan is loving, caring, respectful, kind, honest, committed and always there to support her. That is a long list of great virtues. And it is time good guys rule over bad guys, cause the latter are so outdated these days.

Alright, at least for me.

Toastmaster Speech 1: Learning through Life

Dear blog viewers,

I am back! Even better - I am happy, positive, healthy, slim, and even start taking better photo of myself. And I vow to update this blog more frequently. :) . Thus, I post the ice-breaker speech I have made in my Toastmaster club here.

Words in italics are those I have cut out from my speech due to limited time.

Ladies and gentlemen,

If I ask you to use one word to describe yourself, what will come out from you?

Yes, only 1 word.

Will it be - Happy? Sincere? Humorous? Grateful? Ambitious or Aggressive?

For me, the word is Passionate.

Ardent love, boundless enthusiasm, strong emotion, intense desire – they’re all tied with being passionate. Passions comes from our hearts. And, I believe our hearts are what drive us and create our fate!

I am passionate about many things, including my hobbies of reading; mountain hiking, scuba diving, traveling and I love beach vacations.

I also love cute guys and vampire movies. And when I have both, I am hopelessly addicted. Guess what - I am fan of Twilight and Vampire Diaries! Anyone here who does not know what is the “Twilight Saga” ? (Yes) It is a set of vampire-themed fantasy romance novels that are turned into movies. Stephanie Meyer, the author of Twilight, is actually one of my idols. I admire the fact she was able to create an intense love story and strong characters that millions of people love – all, with her writing. That is a great achievement. I love to be an author someday because I am passionate about writing too.

But on top of all those things, mostly, I am passionate about life itself and also learning through life. I think life is fascinating. Difficult at many times, but that makes it more fascinating. There are always so many things to learn. No one and nothing can stop us from learning.

I like this quote by Mahatma Ghandi "Live as if you are going to die tomorrow, learn as if you will live forever". Learning, in fact, is a lifelong mission.

I learnt a lot of things during my career.

I started working at the age of 20. At that time, I just completed my Diploma in Computer Science and I decided to pursue my Degree on part-time basis while working full-time. 6 years into my career, I was promoted from the position of Programmer to an IT Manager. I have 20 people reporting to me at that time and they provided the specimens for me to learn management. I was doing all sorts of things I like - Technical as in Programming, Design and Architecting, Product Management where I helped my company to create a product that generates 1 million recurring revenue for our company and turnaround from making losses to breaking even. Then, there are some Project Managements and most interestingly of all, People Management.

In people management, I learnt how to develop leaders, give raises and promotions, showing appreciation - believe me this is hard. And also in a awkward situation – to give feedback to my subordinate about his distinctive “body scent” – it was challenging but I like it when I am done with that.

8 years into my career, I decided on an important move in my life and life has been like a roll-coaster for me since. At one time, I would say I was at the lowest point in life.

I think life is very similar to mountain hiking. It takes a lot of energy and perseverance to hike up the mountain. But you know you will reach the top, and this always keep you going. I remember the first time I tried mountain hiking is at the 6th toughest mountain in Malaysia, Mt. Ledang. It was my first time and I had no idea what was it going to be. It was a 3 days, 2 nights hike. There were 7 members in the group and, and I was the only female member.

I remember the leader, one of my friends, asked me sceptically whether I was really sure to go for that. Being the weakest gender of the group, he kind of expects I would drag down the team. Turned out, I am much better than he thought. In fact, I think they are all amazed. I was racing third in the group, I never complaint and I never asked for a rest. When they ran, I ran.

When I reached the peak, there was this huge satisfaction. I guess that is why I love mountain hiking.

So, tying back my mountain hiking and my career when I decided to make the big decision to move, I can say - I was at one peak of the mountain, but I want to reach to the other higher peak of the mountain. To do that, I cannot just jump from one peak to another. I have to go down the mountain and climb the other peak. I had to let go of the thing I didn’t want before I could grab hold of the next thing.


I think I have reached the bottom, so I am actually starting the ascent. I think joining Toastmaster is one of the things that will help me in my ascent. I want to try new things and not afraid to take risk. I have made a lot of mistakes but I am not afraid to make some more. I am happy to be still learning and growing. That is most important.

When Steve Job, CEO of Apple Computer, delivered Stanford University commencement address in 2005, he said “You’ve got to find what you love”. And, he closed his speech with a message in 4 four words, which always resonate and stay with me.

“Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish”.

Thank you.
 

Re-engineering myself to be more assertive

My poorly designed assertiveness engine is failing me. It needs re-engineering, but it is going to be an arduous challenges ahead.

I remember I used to reminisce a lot about an incident with my old friends. Two of us were having an intense arguments with my other friend. I did not remember now what it was all about, but I do remember 2 of us spent a long time explaining to our opponent why our choice is better. Our opponent sat calmly across us, listening to our arguments. Our spirits were strong, our stands undeterred, almost hostile. After we were finished with our arguments in what seemed like a long time, our dear friend just said one thing in an unperturbed manner. "I still think my choice is better". As much as we were amazed by her answer, we felt the strong urge to reach over and strangle her. All throughout the argument, we were certain she was going to agree with us. Our argument was very logical and it was 2 against 1. Even the pitch of our voice and enthusiasm were on much grander scale. But, I daresay, we ended up losing big time to her. We wasted our time, our energy and even our ego to persuade her into joining our beliefs. Not only she was not persuaded, she also never disagreed with us or spent as much energy to argue back.

She is, as I realize it now, the Master of Assertiveness.

I used to misunderstand assertiveness as being able to prove your point or invalidate other people's points of views. I also thought speaking assertively means having a certain elegant air and tone to your voice that make you sound like when you are giving public speech to thousands of people. Indeed, as I begin to learn more, assertiveness means more than that.

So now, these are the re-engineering programs that I need to put back to my assertiveness engine:

1. I refuse to be pushed or manipulated by other people.

At one time, my HR manager handed me a legal document and asked me to sign and give back to him on the same day because he was pressed by the Global HR Manager from the head office. I knew briefly about what the document is about beforehand, but not the detailed terms and conditions. I obliged and it was a huge mistake, one that came back to haunt me many times. Later, I found out that it is actually illegal for people to pressure me to sign legal documents without sufficient times for me to think about it. Also, I should have consulted people who knew the legality matters more than me. I should have stand by my right, to say I would not sign the document on that day itself, insist to take back the document and to hell with what the local or global HR manager think of me.

Several other times, people would say something that make me feel either guilty or scared to lose what I am having. These are to make me do things for them, against my will. For example, things like "You will be mean to do things like this. ", "You have changed. You used to be very obliging and helpful", "I am in trouble. How you cannot understand my situation and help me?", "If you do not improve, I would give this chance to others. ", "Things are always been done this way." and "If you really want your money back, I would do anything to get it for you, even borrowing from illegal parties."
These are all pushing and manipulation.

I am done with being pushed around or manipulated anymore. It is time for me to say NO and stick to it.

2. I have my rights to my own judgment and opinion.
If what I have done or think is wrong, it really does not matter to anyone other than myself as long as I do not hurt other people. I have the right to voice my opinion and judgment. I do not need to care whether people think I am wrong or stupid or selfish. It really does not matter unless the person who think I am wrong are person who are dear to me.

3. I can accept criticism without getting crushed.

I would respond well and accept criticism. I do not need to argue with people criticizing me, even if it is not true. Other people have their rights to their views also. If they say the grass is blue, maybe someone has sprayed some blue paints over their grass or maybe they are wearing blue-tinted glasses. Or even maybe there are actually blue grass growing somewhere near the northern Atlantic where no people live (yes, grass instead of ice) . From what I see and where I have seen it, the grass has always been green to me. I do not need to argue that with them.

Actually, so what if some people think I am not a NICE person. I just get a bit fed up of being a nice person. A person that shout at you in anger may not be NICE, but a person that gossip about you behind your back is EVIL.

On the other end, if you say my fart is aromatic, I would say "Thank you for telling me that. I shall let you smell it more often then."

4. I do not need to have reasons or excuses to justify my behavior.

I always feel the urge to give reasons or excuses when people tell me my behavior is such-and-such, which is unacceptable. While I usually do not lie, I find that coming up with the reasons and excuses, while it is not always difficult, is actually detrimental to my well-being. It also makes me defensive most of the times.

For e.g., if you reprimand me for forgetting to turn off the light, I would say, hey, I did turn off the light 99.9% of the time. This is just one time I forget, more or less. And we were in such a hurry that I forgot. Cannot blame me. Also, why it is always have to be me who need to turn off the light when we leave? Anyway, how much money we can lose leaving the lights on for few hours?
Okay, in this case, "Yes, I forgot to turn off the light." will suffice. If there are more arguments, here is how I would respond:

A: Why you are so silly to forget to turn off the light?
Me: Yes, I am so silly to forget to turn off the light.
A: Have you no brain at all?
Me: Yes, I have brain, but I guess I do not have enough brain to turn off the light.
A: Do you know how much money we lose every month because you do not turn off the light?
Me: I do not know, but I guess it will be quite an amount.

Being assertive does not mean I cannot admit my mistake or say something bad about myself. Just say it without justifying with reasons or excuses.

On a lot times, people will disagree with your view points. Then you say, of course, I am saying this happens under such and such circumstances, not all the time. Or, something like you say people need to be firm. But someone say, you cannot do that. You need to be soft on people with terminal illness. So, you start by saying, people need to be firm unless dealing with people with terminal illness, kids under 1 year old, mentally retarded people, etc. The list will never end.

I have this problem too- trying to explain but I find by saying "Yes, I understand" when people say things to contradict you is good enough. And yes, there are always exceptions and you cannot cover it ALL.

5. I do not need to put myself in other people's shoes all the time.

So what if my HR manager get scolded if I did not sign and submit my document at the same day? Why do I have to care about his ass getting screw while I screw my own ass by signing that document in haste?

Remember the story at the beginning of the "7 Habits of Effective People"? It describes a situation about a man and his bunch of kids making noises and irritating all people at the place. Then, the author found out that the man had just lost his wife and the kids, their mother. So, he was too distraught to discipline his kids. I always remember that story. The moral of the story is to empathize with people. Sometimes, it may not be what it seems at first. Put yourself on other people shoes.

But, what I find also is there are also a lot of annoying people with no care for other people in this world. So, if someone is making a hell of your world, it does not necessarily means their wife or dog have just died and they are too helpless.

Sometimes, I believe I am too soft on people, especially on my subordinates last time because I always give them excuses when they fail themselves or me. I give myself excuses to fail too. This is bad, so being assertive should help.

Let's say, someone cut the queue to buy cinema tickets.

Me: Miss, you are cutting the queue. Please line up.
Q: Oh, is it? I am sorry. I am in a hurry.
Me: I am in a hurry too. Will you queue up please?
Q: Really, I need to get these tickets as soon as possible.
Me: Really, I think you should queue up.
Q: No, you don't understand.
Me: Yes, I do not understand. I still think you should queue up.
Q: But, I have cancer and going to die. I need to get this ticket now to watch this movie.
Me: (Amazed) I really think you should queue up even if you are dying tomorrow. Everyone is going to die too. At least you still have today and you need to queue up too.
Q: No, I am dying in about an hour, probably while watching this movie. But I really wish to watch this movie before I die.
Me: (Caught by surprise) In that case, I really think you should get your ticket right now. In fact, you can have my tickets too. Or, even you can buy the whole lot of tickets so that you have the cinema by yourself.

Again, being assertive does not mean that I need to be right till the end. Empathizing with other people is important too. (Ooppps, I am doing it again, explaining the exceptional case that can invalidate my views. But if I do not do this, I probably get a comment saying that I need to be more empathizing, of which I already know empathy is good and need to be practiced, but just NOT at ALL TIME.)

Photo courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu

Hindsight: When I did not realize I could choose my friends

Thirty is a good age to start to reflect on things that have happened for the past 10-15 years and try to see them in a different light. In most cases, I ask myself what I could have done differently back then when I have my current level of wisdom and maturity .

No, it does not have to be thirty for you to have the hindsight, although it is for me. You can actually start right now even if you are 25 or 35, or even 45. But I find there should be 3 things that should happen first.

1. First, you need to have major changes in any different areas of your life: Career, love, financial, friends, or family. Or all of them.

2. Second, in these areas, somethings are lost and somethings are found. In most cases, the first and second means some crisis that you have been through. In the aftermath, you discover something that would not have come to you if you have not lost anything at all.

3. And third, which happen later, is that you have slowed down on a lot of things. After sometimes, you have cleared out the clutters in your life and you are starting to get things back in order with whatever you have found in the process.

All those three things happened. And THEN, "it" comes naturally like someone turn on a pipe and the water flows out swiftly.

All the past major events start flowing back to you. It is not any events like attending a wedding or even your graduation. The events are those moments that have signaled something to you that you cannot understand or pick up back then. Until Now. It is like replaying a DVD again. Only this time, you knew the ending already. You already knew who are the heroes and who are not. So this time, you monitor each of them carefully to find the telling signs when you have missed it previously.

Since I have many of those reflections, I actually have problems knowing where to start and what to share. (yes, my blog posts are not coming so frequent nowadays)

So, I have to do the obvious. I can only start one by one. And, for this post, I choose this event that happened almost 12 years ago, which was during my college time. It was a time when I have lost a friend who was smart, matured and helpful. 12 years later, I realize that kind of friends is someone who I can learn many things from and may even inspire me to do something great.

Most of the people in the class called him 'Sifu', that means a Guru because of his outstanding intelligence and willingness to help people. I got to work with him in a project in a funny incident. The project was actually our first group assignment in the college. The lecturer asked us to form groups of 4 persons each. At the end of the class, I found myself without group as I barely knew anyone in the class. There are another 2 guys who were in the same predicament, one of them is Sifu. So, we decided to form a group of 3, whereas every other groups have 4 members. At first,it was very awkward for us to work together as we did not know each others' strengths and weaknesses yet. So, when the lecturer asked us to elect a team leader, Sifu was the obvious choice, because he is the oldest among us. Soon, we found that Sifu was actually very smart and knowledgable. The other guy (whom I call him 'Funky' later in the years because it rhymes well with his name) was not bad either. And of course, though I was not so knowledgeable in Computer subjects back then, I am always an avid and fast learner. Thus, each of us contributed our work, but Sifu was the one who compiled, corrected and enhanced the work after we submitted to him. When the assignment result was announced, we were at the top, even though we were short of one pair of hands and brain. Everyone in the class was very surprised. We were too, but were very elated and proud as well.

On the other hand, I started to get real close with a girl in the class who sat 2 seat away from me. We were almost inseparable in and outside the class. She became my best friend in college. I introduced her to my team members. After sometimes, we were like part of a larger group around 10-15 people. We all would hang out after class sometimes and we went on several trips together. There were many happy moments.

Soon after, feelings developed between Sifu and my girl friend. Funny part was there were also rumors between me and Sifu, which honestly speaking, although we worked well together, it was just friendship between us. Anyway, the relationship between them turned wishy-washy. At one point, one would drop hint that he or she want to be together as couple while the other would not respond or even try to avoid. At another point, the same thing repeated but with reversed characters. Since I am closest to both of them, I tried to encourage both of them to start the relationship if they really have feelings for each other.

Finally one day, both of them decided to talk it out openly between themselves whether they should be together or not. Unfortunately, I was pulled along in the discussion as well, which clearly, I shouldn't be there at all- my first mistake. I should have insisted not to take part and just walked away eventhough my best friend requested me to be there.

Long story short, in an already messy situations prior to starting the relationship, let just say, the girl laid out the terms and conditions to the relationship, the guy could not bite it and the girl refused to relent. So, that was end of it, the doom of their relationship even from the very beginning. To make matter worse, Sifu made this clear- since they came to this stage and cannot become a couple, there is no point for them to continue become friends as well. I think that is because his pride and hope were destroyed by a somewhat, unjust demand from the other party. One of the demand, was that the boyfriend must accept that his girlfriend who will always put friends on top of him in terms of priority. You can very well imagine the reaction on a guy if he is so unfortunate to hears that kind of thing. Though at that time, I was also very surprised and knew the demand was a bit illogical, but I chose to let it pass my judgment. I let myself think Sifu was at greater fault because even though relationship did not work out (who can guarantee it always can anyway?), he should at least be graceful and try to maintain friendship. That was my second mistake. Though my best friend also obviously did wrongs that day, I did not scold her or anything, which I should. I should be more impartial.

After that day, Sifu never talked to us anymore. Over the time, the group also split because some of us would continue our second year in other location/branch under the same college. So, we seldom cross each others' paths. I also lost touch with the other group who studied in the different location, also partly because they are closer to Sifu. I guess that was my final mistake, as I have done nothing to salvage the friendship between Sifu and me. I could not remember whether Sifu clearly stated that he could not even be friend with me because of what happened that day, but I did think, we maybe still can be friends if I have taken the initiative and show my impartiality. But I also did what I did because I did not want to hurt my best friend, who was already angry at Sifu for how he just wiped off the friendship like that.

Few years later, I heard that he started a cybercafe business with some of our college mates last time. At that time, I was still very much an employee. I had not the slightest idea on how to start anything on my own yet, even though I always know during college time, that I want to do that sometimes maybe after 5 years of working. When I think back now, it would be good if I can still be part of that group that is obviously entrepreneurial. Maybe I can learn something from them or even join in the venture.

DECISION
Photo Credit : Stock.xchng

My biggest mistakes in this story when I reflect back is not my inaction or my lack of initiative to right the wrongs. It is this -- I did not realize that I CAN and actually SHOULD CHOOSE MY FRIENDS. It was a very grave mistake that I continued for more than 10 years. What I did is just tagged along with any groups I got close with. I stood by and helped a lot of them whenever they needed me. I wanted to be a loyal and helpful friend to others. And I think now, I have done too much, but too little for myself. It is mainly due to my fear of being criticized and not being accepted by people. I want to follow the gang. I want to be nice to everybody.

Following are some of the good advices that I should have taken long ago:

1. You cannot choose your family but you can choose your friends.

2. Choose your friend wisely, carefully, and by their characters.

3. Hang out with people who are smarter and more successful than you.

4. Stay away from negative people, complainers, and losers.

5. You become like the people you hang out with.

6. (And even in Bible - Proverbs 12:26) The righteous should choose friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.

7. We should also pick the people we work with.

I have too many stories about friends (some good and bad things) that I feel like writing about. Sometimes, I fear that people will attack me when all I tell is how bad people are, like stories about my ex. (Actually, I did get started on the book. It has almost 30 pages now). It takes times to conquer the fear - but for now, what the heck on what people think!!

A man who has been through a lot of hardship

When a thirty-years-old man share with you part of his life stories with tears in his eyes, some part of you will just melt down together with him, touched by how some people really have a hard life compared to you.

An Indian Muslim, Naz is a bankruptcy with eleven mouths to feed, which includes a wife and 9 kids. A entrepreneur himself, he ventured into several business and failed, mostly due to working with the wrong people. Now, he is still in a business but struggling with limited capitals and resources.

As a newcomer to our business-sharing group, he was telling us his stories with great self-containment from the embarrassment and the fear of being laughed at or treated with disrespect. But in our group led by Jeff, laughing at people's plight and acting disrespectful are not condoned at all.

Naz told us the times where he had delivered excellent performance in most of his jobs. In one of his jobs, we managed to sell all the bricks which has been in the company inventories for more than 1 year and he had managed to sell it all in less than 3 months. From 3 lorries to transport the bricks, he made it into 16 lorries in that 3 months. Despite his outstanding performance, he realized he would not be given any chances to move up the corporate ladder. That is because the boss and majority of the people in the company are of different races, and having another race to head them with be unacceptable. Such is the world. Thus, he talked to his boss and decided to give up the job, taking with him, approximately RM 68,000 as the commission and pay for the short 3 months. With that money, he started his own business.

Unfortunately he did not make it. Soon, another acquantaince asked him to help him in his business as a partner. He worked day and night, clocking in at 7 am until 12 midnight almost everyday. Soon, he grew the company into a lucrative business in a relatively short term of times. Because he is a bankruptcy, during the start of his work, he was not able to formalize any documentation to declare his ownership on part of the company shares, a major mistake that would soon caused him to lose everything he had achieved in the company. When he approached his so-called business partner to request to put his wife name in the company share, he was terminated the very next day. Since then, he had been in a legal lawsuit with that company, seeking the help of the worker union. That was 3 years ago. But many were lost and he had not been able to recovered for years. However, by fate, it was that lawsuit that brought him to us after 3 years. Though a broken and tired man, he was ready to be 'mold' and transformed.

He said each day, he have to pretend to be happy even though he have a lot of things to worry about to keep his family afloat. Just imagine someone trying to kick and swim with water just under his nose for years, pulling 10 others with him. Naz's eldest son, a 15-year-old, have to work on the weekend despite a major PMR exam coming soon. His family eat happily at every meals even though that usually consisted of just rice and eggs.

Though facing tremendous hardship and on the verge of giving up, I feel Naz is desperate for a break in life now and he will put all his life to make it for the maybe one last time. Not only he is answerable to himself, he has to face 9 little faces and the woman he love, whose future are unknown, but who have never leave him despite the hardship.

By good chance, he met a good person in the worker union who is not only helpful to him, but who also believe in his capabilities and potential. That person in the worker union is a long buddy of Jeff and who is also in the business group. So, that is how we met Naz.

I want to share this story because I learn that most people who achieve great things in life, are the same people who at one times, are so broken and fail so many times that they may not even be able to go through life without the help from some good samaritans, who respect them despite their failures and willing to lift them up. But, of course, eventually, it also depends on abilities to work through the hardship and their persistences.

Previously, in my 29 years before I met Jeff, I rarely meet people has been through great hardship in life, except maybe my parents. But since one year ago, I found myself meeting and learning from a lot of people who have great misfortunes in their life. All of them would tell their stories with glimpses of tears in their eyes and some even broke down and really cry. Sadly, not all those people are able to change or break through from repeating their mistakes. But I learn the turning point is when a person is willing and ready for a 180 degree change. They may need to learn something that are so foreign to them that they may have a sense of feeling that they are learning from an alien. Of course, this is not easy and it is not something that can be achieved in months, but it is usually in years. All one needs is the opportunity to be trained, able to accept new things and persistently make changes or adjustment.

I ponder on this question:

If Naz is to know in 4 years ago that he will go through these 4 years of hardship when he starts to venture out in his own business, taking a big turn in his career, will he reconsider not to do that?

Maybe.

But, what if, in his next 1 or 2 years, he not only can recover from his lost, but he can have a chance to be a really successful business man and financially free?

That, we all do not know what his future will look like.

But I think he can make it because he has already shown a lot of courage and persistence for a man to first move into his own business and has not given up until now. And that is what I respect and admire in people, not the status or how rich he is, but this -
though sometimes weakened, but an undying spirit in a man (or woman) to excel in life.

Desire and Faith – 2 things we need to achieve great things in life (Part 2)

In part 1, I talked about how desires and faith get me my first job. Of course, desire and faith are not the only things we need to achieve what we want but it is rather a beginning of great achievements, where plans, opportunities or even the new shift of paradigm will come along.

So, in the next 2 years from the time I got my first job, I threw myself into work so much that I really could count with my fingers how often I went to cinema or shopping. There were a good stretch of periods where I went home after 12 midnight everyday during weekdays and worked full day on Saturday and Sunday. I enjoyed the overtime though because those were the times where the office was so peaceful and I could fully concentrate on what I was doing. Also, I learned more when I did more on my job. On top of that, I got paid allowance of roughly RM10 per hour (after 8 p.m. on weekdays, though) and additionally RM10 for travel allowance after 12 midnight. So, on the many nights I risked my safety and got back home at 12 plus midnight, I actually earned RM50 extra for that day! In fact, I was not really thinking about my safety at all. With my overtime allowance of RM1,000 exceeds in average each month, I managed to pay my college fees and all my living expenses without needing a single cent from my parents, though they helped me pay my car installment.

Two years later, I earned first class honours for my Degree. My final year project supervisor was amazed by the programs I demonstrated, a stock broking application, which 70 percent of the coding was actually taken from my job. I got some good increments and also year-end bonus. Bonus was good at that time too; best performers got 4 to 5 months of their salary. Ironically, it was my first and the last time I ever received bonus from any companies since. Anyway, it was a great plan, wasn’t it; to study and work at the same time? And, most of all, I earned my independence and both rewards and recognition for my hard work.

So, I still believe desires and faith are the beginnings of great things. Posting my story here actually help me remember and renew my desires and faith for things ahead of me. Things usually get more difficult and complicated the longer we are in a career or life. Perhaps, we are laden with too much worries and responsibilities. Or maybe, there have been so much grieves and pains we have gone through; that ALL make us forget to nurture our desires and faith, to see the Child in Us even though the world and things looks so gloomy sometimes.

And maybe these:

1. We should communicate our desire more and not fear whether people will make fun of us or our dreams.

2. We should think everything is possible to be achieved. We should not think negatively so that we can console ourselves when failed by saying somethings like “already know it is hard or impossible” and “most likely is going to fail anyway.”

3. We should convey our confidence in achieving what we want even if it seems impossible. We should not be afraid to have people call us liars or boastful, especially when we fail sometimes as there will be a lot of failures before we have success.

4. We should persist with our desire and faith when things fail because we know these are just temporary defeats but success is just an inch away.

5. We should also have more faith on other people, especially those who are knowledgeable, positive and more matured than we are; those who has helped us; and those who are kind and helpful to us or to other people.

The conclusion:
It is most important for us to always know and communicate about our desires and faith instead of our concerns, our worries, and our incapability. Yes, we can complain like a wife complain to her husband and vice versa, but we also need to convey a large dose of positiveness.
And definitely, we want to be associated with positive people, and get as far away as possible from negative people.

Desire and Faith – 2 things we need to achieve great things in life (Part 1)

In my 9 years experience of working and climbing the corporate ladder as well as more than 3 years experience of managing people, I decide it comes down to two things to find people who I want to work FOR me or who I want to work WITH. That is, DESIRE and FAITH. Unfortunately, more than 80% of the people I encountered do not have both and they usually portray a kind of negativity that make it seems impossible to achieve anything at all in life.

So, I want to share my own experience and my explanation on what I come to value most in people, especially if I am considering them to fight a war with me – their desire and their faith.

I start with Part 1 which is my story and Part 2 which I explain more on desire and faith, especially when people show me the opposite of them.

My story:

In 1999, when I went to the interview for my first job, I did not do the normal preparation like going through some common interview questions and rehearsing how to answer them well. It was not because I was very confident to get the job. On the contrary, I was just a Diploma holder and during that time, the 1997 recession caused the job opportunities to be scarce, especially for fresh graduates. And this job, which I heard, was paying quite well, around three hundreds more than other jobs I have tried and what my other college mates were getting.

I wanted the job very much, not just the additional three hundreds, though at that time, it made a lot of differences to me. The three hundreds can give me all the food I need in a month. (At that time, I remembered my heart aching over a 5-or-10-ringgit meal, which I only indulged once in a while. My meal is usually 3 ringgit, 4 ringgit if I ordered drinks). I needed this job because it was a key step for my plan to pursue my Degree on part-time basis. My parents had offered to let me do Degree full-time using their hard-earned money, which my course fees and living expenses will be equivalent to the salary of my father, if not more. Knowing all that, I insisted on pursuing my education on part-time basis. I had a definite plan and knew very well what I wanted to achieve, which included to get to work as soon as possible so that I could get as much working experience as possible. I figured working experience is more valuable than a piece of certificate.

So, I was very determined to get a job. Not just any job, but a job that allow me to pay my courses as well as my living expenses. Also, a job that allow me to learn new things and also maybe help me in my Degree final year project. Since I was in Computer Science course, my final year project involved creating a workable application by going through a well-documented software development cycle. What would be better than to take from something I would be learning at work?

I was lucky also as I had a senior working in the same company and the interviewer, also my potential superior, was my senior’s superior. So, he was able to put in some good words for me to get me the interview opportunity. But, job is a job; I still need to prove myself to the interviewer to get hired.

Amazingly, I just know how to convince the interviewer to give me the job. And that did not require me to answer the common interview questions well, except how to describe myself. I already have some sort of plan in life – my desire to excel in life, to get ahead of most people and my faith that I am able to achieve anything I desire, even without knowing exactly how to get there. Thus, despite my lack of working experience, which was none – what I just needed to do in the interview was to show myself by conveying my desires and faith.

So, I sat through the interview, without much preparation per Se, as I already prepared for the life ahead of me.

I talked about my keen interest in programming and what the job can offer to me, especially learning to work in real environment and building software that are really being used by people in real business life.

I talked about my plan to pursue my Degree on part-time basis. I know I can use my working experience to do better in my Degree study.

I highlighted my great track record of excellent academic result; I was mostly top of my class, sometimes even the whole batch of students in the same year; that means I was ahead of more than 300 others. It showed I was consistently working hard to achieve great results.

I convinced the interviewer that I could handle both my work and studies without compromising the work performance. In fact, I have every intention to excel in both my work and studies.

At the end of the interview, which I remembered vividly even now, I looked at the interviewer earnestly and said to him I am a very hardworking person. I said it with full conviction and sincerity. I remembered the interviewer smiled at me in response, maybe because of surprise or because of awkwardness of my unsolicited remark, but I knew he believed what I have just said and that would have made an impact.

Yes, I got the job, with a starting paid of RM1500, a good rate for a Diploma holder at that time. The offer for Degree holder from my company was RM1800. In the next seven years, in 2006, a degree holder freshmen can get up to RM 2,500 for starting paid; some can get even higher than that from a minority of great companies. However, I also knew some other graduates were still getting RM1800 in 2006. So, when people ask me what is the market price for fresh graduates in software engineering field, I usually answer, it is largely determined by what the applicants are asking for and how they ‘carry’ themselves. By carry, I really mean how strong are their desire and faith and whether they show it during the interview.

To many, this story of mine cannot be considered a great achievement. But for a girl with no working experience, came out from hometown to study in the big city 2 years before, the same girl who traveled more than 80 km to class each time by bus (I lived in a housing estate in Klang with my aunt’s family, traveled to KL Central for classes by 2 buses per trip –one air-conditioned and one without), sometimes had to get out from house as early as 5 am, walked through a sport field (badminton, jogging) when the morning was still dark to wait for bus if there were early morning classes; this achievement is a great mark in my life; that all the sweats, persistence, the fear of unknown or danger were well justified. I had proven to myself and to those who invested in me, especially my parents. Because for the 2 years of studies, when most of my classmates have settled down comfortably at home, probably after some nice baths and dinners and were probably watching their favorite TV drama, I was usually still on a bus on my way home. On top of that, I even worked as the college librarian to earn extra bucks. So, I spent longer hours in college than most people.

The fact is I still have a long way to go, to achieve my ultimate dreams. But it will be very soon that I will get there. Then, I will start telling another story of my desires and faith that get me there.

Till then, wait for Part 2 where I will continue on desires and faith. Or maybe, drop me an email at susanlimkw@yahoo.com to share your story of desire and faith.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”

Photo courtesy of http://g8.no/