Monday, 14 January 2013

Heartbreak – Then and Now

Heartbreak sucks.

When my mum threw away my beloved Little Pillow which was with me for 17 years, I was insanely heartbroken.

Little Pillow to me was like an iPad to kids nowadays. Even the size was so alike. But Little Pillow was lighter, fluffier and wouldn’t break down when I threw him around. Little Pillow was cuddly and balmy and as the cliché goes, I slept with it, play with it, eat with it, pee with it, shit with it. I was obsessed with its smell so much that I insolently forbid my mum to wash it except the several times when I wetted my bed. By the time I was 17, my mum have gotten very worried. Though I was not carrying Little Pillow around then, but I swore we would be together till death did us apart. I was even planning to bring Little Pillow to my marriage bed. My mum said that would be shameful and tried to persuade me to dump Little Pillow. I retorted that my future husband wouldn’t mind – probably the start of my distressing and disastrous journey with men, my poor evaluation of which got me into trouble, REALLY BIG trouble.  My smarter mum eventually threw Little Pillow when I was out in the college.

When I realized that, I was devastated. In a million years, I wouldn’t have expected him to disappear without saying goodbye. Still, the feeling of the unwilling separation aka being dumped was salt to my broken heart.

I certainly had an experience of being dumped. It sucked the energy out of me and I got drained and thrown down to a dark deep dirty well and left alone, afraid and clueless how to get out. But it was also at these times, I learnt to live with the darkness, see clearer despite the darkness and find ways to reach the light beyond the darkness. It was a mind-boggling, spiritual and soul-searching experience that made me grow into a better person.

It was easy to launch angry birds at the other parties, reveling on their falls and explosions into the thin air. But my most recent heartbreak taught me more about acceptance, forgiveness and self-worth. And because I gain all my self-worth and forego my pride, I was able to see my own mistakes I made in the relationship that were causing the problem (I’ll share more on this in later posts). Of course, if he was a relationship guru like Anthony Robbins or Dr John Gray, we probably would be able to swerve the winding paths without overturning the car. But he was just a man who was trying to take baby steps in a relationship and was not prepared to handle the emotional flood. I was foolish. He was obtuse. We would have made a wonderful albeit odd couple.

Like the Little Pillow episode, I have gotten over it and moved on with my life. One thing for sure about heartbreak is time always heals. But another more important thing, as Gary Zukav said, eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.

I love falling in love,

Stay tuned for more on heartbreak and how to heal. And love.

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