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My Life so Changed

Some of my friends are wandering how I have been for the past few months or weeks. It seems like I had disappeared. The fact is I have not been very active in hanging out with friends and ex-colleagues lately. There had been many changes in my life and I wanted the time to rediscover and re-organize myself, and to rebuild the confidence. I think everyone needs to do that at some points in their life, especially after going through some crisis.

Anyway, things are getting better. The dark clouds are moving away and I am once again clear-minded about what I want in my life.

If anyone of you is going through uncertainties, my only advice to you is to continue to believe in yourself. Have FAITH.

So, I wanted to share some of the things that I have written, which I never have the courage to publish. Initially, I feel like this kind of posting will make my blog looked like a diary, which I do not really want. However, from the survey I put out in my blog, I found that most people want me to share my life and work experience. So, I guess, this may be acceptable.

My Bad Habits- written on 31 March 2008, modified on 4 May 2008

More than eight years ago, I stepped into the work life at the age of twenty. Young, in-experienced and with only my diploma in IT as my qualification, I got my first job at a local securities firm. The starting paid is RM1500. It was considered a very good paid at that time as Malaysia had just recovered from the economic crisis late of 1997. Back then, I juggled between long-hours work and part-time study for Degree.

Through the years, I worked hard to acquire knowledge and experience. I rushed through most of the days with never-ending piles of works and I managed to climb the career ladder.

I achieved excellent results in study. I was the best PMR and SPM students in secondary schools and I got first class honours for my degree. I was promoted to manager-level job after 6 years of working as programmers in my third company, which I have worked for total of 6 years. I had 6-years long relationship with one that I thought was the love of my life, but the one who I could not bring myself to marry. I bought my first property more than 3 years ago. I have friends whom I hanged out and a few close friends whom I shared my feelings and thoughts.

My best friend was my notebook. I almost brought him everywhere I go, even sometimes on vacations. I declared myself a workaholic.


While everything seemed like heading to the right directions, I was actually heading to my own doom. And believe me, this is not an understatement.

In many ways, I found that I was living in a virtual reality, where things look good on the outside, but inside was empty.

I mixed with people who are no better than me. When I was in doubt in myself, they made me more doubtful by giving me negative advices. I could not blame them, though because I had made the same mistakes and I vowed not to do that again. Sometimes, our parents do that too. Like when I went swimming, they asked me to be careful of not to get drown. When I went diving, they would alert me about the possible tsunami. Of course, beneath the advices was the care and love. However, at most times, such advices did not make a point especially when you were already determined to do it. It just creates doubts and fears in you.

The property I bought more than 3 years ago was actually a bad decision. The developer was going to build another phase in front of my unit which, most probably blocked the city view that the tenant should be enjoying. I spent quite a lot of money there also on the renovation which never seem to be completed as I encountered some really bad contractors, one of which was a friend of my ex. So, finally, I decided to let go my pain and sell or rent out the unit.

So, I found some money and lost some. I have been cheated money too, by the closest person you ever imagined would cheat your money. Worst of all, I also been cheated my opportunities with false promises and empty hope.

And I let go of my relationship of 6 years. There were all the obvious reasons for me to have done this earlier, but I just ignore the signs and continue to pull through a bad relationship, where your loved one never really did care about you, although he pretended to be. And I had, all this while, used my works and activities with my friends to nullify the pain. Some people who knew of this break-up were actually very surprised and most could not see the reasons behind and straight away assumed I was doing a wrong thing. Of course, all people in this world had a ways for seeing and assuming things in conventional way, even without knowing the real stories behind (I intend to share these stories someday in a book). Anyway, let bygones be bygones. I am happy that I find a great love in the end, something that I have always wanted – happiness.

On my career and personal development, I had to rebuild myself because all the years of rushing through works, I actually ignored some basics and habits that caused me to be very inefficient. I have to re-organized myself and reset my mindset and habits.

And finally, I am ready to move on with 3 focuses in my live path:

  1. To start a family, a happy family. Be a loving wife and mother.
  2. Work using my talents, and redevelop myself into a person with better skillsets and efficiency. Change my bad habits.
  3. Realize my longer-term dream like authoring a book. Yes, I am starting to write a little bit on this now.

My Bad Habits- written on 03 February 2008

I have not been writing any post lately, at least for a month now. For these periods of time, I was in a busy journey of rediscovering myself.

I have ventured into a new world - a totally different new world to me, a beautiful world so familiar to whatever I ever dreamt of until it feels like I may be dreaming. But in fact, I am living yet again. I found a new love, a new career direction and a new dream. Everything is as real as breathing. And I am still breathing each day, and being thankful to God and my love one for that reason.

But there is one thing that is risking things that I am having now. That is my bad habits. And I realize how critical it is for me to change. And I really want to change. Otherwise, I will continue to hurt people who really care about me. And for that, I get every reason to brave it out though.

Because of my bad habits, I turned the world upside down for my love one. I always got him into deep shit just to protect me and to give me chance to learn and change. And that, I am very grateful to him, yet it is so painstaking for me to hurt the one I love, like hurting myself. And I do not know why I kept on doing it again and again. Keep on giving myself excuse. I felt so helpless because my habits control me and not the other way around.

And today, I vowed that this all have to stop. All my bad habits had to stop. I am in different environments now. I need to change my mindset and behaviours to adapt to the new environment. No more excuses for me when I fail. Not more repeating my mistakes again and again.

How many lessons I need to learn in order for me to change?

The answer is no more lessons.

Image courtesy from www.sxc.hu



Comments

autumnmusic said…
finally!!! tis is the kind of post tat i've been waiting for, haha :) been wondering where have u been... -_-||| i feel happy for u, and tis post inspired me quite a bit to live my life my way but it'll take time though, to get rid of all the unhealthy mindsets @.@ Have FAITH! hehe...
Valen said…
At this moment, same for me, re-organizing myself. I was lost, but now, I'm glad for the lost, because I find new route from there.

I believe for there are always the reasons behind for every incident that happen. It will lead me to the better of myself. And of course I’ll doubt, can’t deny that. But at the end, bad things will go.

I’m glad that when I was in troubles, my friends are always there to support me. Sometimes whatever they told me, I already knew, or I knew that were only something to comfort me, or it all bull shit and pointless, sorry to say so, but at least I know, I have friends who care me, who not only share my happiness, but also sadness. Maybe what I need is only their listening or maybe just a hug.

I hope to share with you what I’ve written in my blog. "很多时候,事情的结果不是因为之前你知道答案而所选择并发生。无论什么选择,我相信都有不一样的风景,一样在不一样的风景里丰富你的生命。" I wrote that, and I forgot it. When I was lost, my friend pasted it to my blog, I saw it and I cried. Yeah, I wrote that but I failed to do that.

Anyways, as you said, dark clouds are moving away. I’ll always remind myself by that quote. Let us welcome the rainbow together!
Susan said…
Valen, wish you all the best.

Yes, let's welcome the rainbow together.
Susan said…
autumnmusic, keep going!
cindy_05_05 said…
Valen,

You are right, there are always the reasons behind for every incident that happen. :)

Susan,

Gambette!! You are always the BEST!!

Do you like drink Thong Sui? Feel free to learn to boil dessert for you family?

Dessert Blog at
http://cindy0505.wordpress.com/category/dessert/
Susan said…
Cindy,

Thanks for the links. Yeah, I like to make the dessert someday. I have been cooking a lot these days. :)

Hope life is great for you. Good luck, yeah.

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