My Life so Changed

Some of my friends are wandering how I have been for the past few months or weeks. It seems like I had disappeared. The fact is I have not been very active in hanging out with friends and ex-colleagues lately. There had been many changes in my life and I wanted the time to rediscover and re-organize myself, and to rebuild the confidence. I think everyone needs to do that at some points in their life, especially after going through some crisis.

Anyway, things are getting better. The dark clouds are moving away and I am once again clear-minded about what I want in my life.

If anyone of you is going through uncertainties, my only advice to you is to continue to believe in yourself. Have FAITH.

So, I wanted to share some of the things that I have written, which I never have the courage to publish. Initially, I feel like this kind of posting will make my blog looked like a diary, which I do not really want. However, from the survey I put out in my blog, I found that most people want me to share my life and work experience. So, I guess, this may be acceptable.

My Bad Habits- written on 31 March 2008, modified on 4 May 2008

More than eight years ago, I stepped into the work life at the age of twenty. Young, in-experienced and with only my diploma in IT as my qualification, I got my first job at a local securities firm. The starting paid is RM1500. It was considered a very good paid at that time as Malaysia had just recovered from the economic crisis late of 1997. Back then, I juggled between long-hours work and part-time study for Degree.

Through the years, I worked hard to acquire knowledge and experience. I rushed through most of the days with never-ending piles of works and I managed to climb the career ladder.

I achieved excellent results in study. I was the best PMR and SPM students in secondary schools and I got first class honours for my degree. I was promoted to manager-level job after 6 years of working as programmers in my third company, which I have worked for total of 6 years. I had 6-years long relationship with one that I thought was the love of my life, but the one who I could not bring myself to marry. I bought my first property more than 3 years ago. I have friends whom I hanged out and a few close friends whom I shared my feelings and thoughts.

My best friend was my notebook. I almost brought him everywhere I go, even sometimes on vacations. I declared myself a workaholic.

While everything seemed like heading to the right directions, I was actually heading to my own doom. And believe me, this is not an understatement.

In many ways, I found that I was living in a virtual reality, where things look good on the outside, but inside was empty.

I mixed with people who are no better than me. When I was in doubt in myself, they made me more doubtful by giving me negative advices. I could not blame them, though because I had made the same mistakes and I vowed not to do that again. Sometimes, our parents do that too. Like when I went swimming, they asked me to be careful of not to get drown. When I went diving, they would alert me about the possible tsunami. Of course, beneath the advices was the care and love. However, at most times, such advices did not make a point especially when you were already determined to do it. It just creates doubts and fears in you.

The property I bought more than 3 years ago was actually a bad decision. The developer was going to build another phase in front of my unit which, most probably blocked the city view that the tenant should be enjoying. I spent quite a lot of money there also on the renovation which never seem to be completed as I encountered some really bad contractors, one of which was a friend of my ex. So, finally, I decided to let go my pain and sell or rent out the unit.

So, I found some money and lost some. I have been cheated money too, by the closest person you ever imagined would cheat your money. Worst of all, I also been cheated my opportunities with false promises and empty hope.

And I let go of my relationship of 6 years. There were all the obvious reasons for me to have done this earlier, but I just ignore the signs and continue to pull through a bad relationship, where your loved one never really did care about you, although he pretended to be. And I had, all this while, used my works and activities with my friends to nullify the pain. Some people who knew of this break-up were actually very surprised and most could not see the reasons behind and straight away assumed I was doing a wrong thing. Of course, all people in this world had a ways for seeing and assuming things in conventional way, even without knowing the real stories behind (I intend to share these stories someday in a book). Anyway, let bygones be bygones. I am happy that I find a great love in the end, something that I have always wanted – happiness.

On my career and personal development, I had to rebuild myself because all the years of rushing through works, I actually ignored some basics and habits that caused me to be very inefficient. I have to re-organized myself and reset my mindset and habits.

And finally, I am ready to move on with 3 focuses in my live path:

1. To start a family, a happy family. Be a loving wife and mother.
2. Work using my talents, and redevelop myself into a person with better skillsets and efficiency. Change my bad habits.
3. Realize my longer-term dream like authoring a book. Yes, I am starting to write a little bit on this now.

My Bad Habits- written on 03 February 2008

I have not been writing any post lately, at least for a month now. For these periods of time, I was in a busy journey of rediscovering myself.

I have ventured into a new world - a totally different new world to me, a beautiful world so familiar to whatever I ever dreamt of until it feels like I may be dreaming. But in fact, I am living yet again. I found a new love, a new career direction and a new dream. Everything is as real as breathing. And I am still breathing each day, and being thankful to God and my love one for that reason.

But there is one thing that is risking things that I am having now. That is my bad habits. And I realize how critical it is for me to change. And I really want to change. Otherwise, I will continue to hurt people who really care about me. And for that, I get every reason to brave it out though.

Because of my bad habits, I turned the world upside down for my love one. I always got him into deep shit just to protect me and to give me chance to learn and change. And that, I am very grateful to him, yet it is so painstaking for me to hurt the one I love, like hurting myself. And I do not know why I kept on doing it again and again. Keep on giving myself excuse. I felt so helpless because my habits control me and not the other way around.

And today, I vowed that this all have to stop. All my bad habits had to stop. I am in different environments now. I need to change my mindset and behaviours to adapt to the new environment. No more excuses for me when I fail. Not more repeating my mistakes again and again.

How many lessons I need to learn in order for me to change?

The answer is no more lessons.

Image courtesy from www.sxc.hu