Friday, 20 August 2010

How do you define the purpose and function of your love partner?

My ex said:
The purpose and function of my woman is to keep our house clean and tidy as well as keep me well fed with home-cooked meals. Those are the only 2 things I demand and there is strictly no negotiation.

These were reasonable demands except for me; it was really like asking me to climb a tree with one arm. It was clearly disastrous!

Then we spent a lot of times pondering why I failed when most women can do these well with ease.

There were a train of reasons:
I was pampered too much before. It was really easy to fall back to my old bad habits. I always forgot here and there. I was busy. I was lazy to change. I just did not put my heart and soul to it. I just did not care enough for him to change.

It was already stressful for me to try to live up to a standard that I was so bad to start with. But with all these speculations on why I was so awkward compared to other women, it really flushed down my self-esteem to the drain. All of these left a huge strain to our relationship.

Nevertheless, I also realized it was for my own good to learn those skills. I used to think the solution to my problem was to hire a maid. But, we were then talking about the basic survival. Without any help from other people, I need to be able to take care of myself and my family.

So, with much perseverance, I got much better.

It solved a lot of our problems.

But then, there were MANY other problems with us.

For him, the problems are mostly with me.

For me, he is the one who create a lot of problems because he likes to find problems with me.

I have to admit I do have a lot of problems. But I have tried my hardest to improve. If trying the hardest is not enough, then I got to accept that things were not working out. With due respect, I am glad I have given it many tries and I am forever thankful to him for making me become better in a lot of things. Eventually, I have to accept who I am and get on with my life. It took a lot of heartaches and I kept wondering why our relationship could not work out even though I put all my heart on it.

Then, unexpectedly when I was not really looking for answers, I found them. It provides a profound realization and another perspective to what he asked of me and why I always seemed to fail him.

In his book “The road less travelled”, Dr. Scott Peck heard one man of the couples group stated that the purpose and function of his wife is keep their house neat and keep him well fed. He was aghast by that statement and he called it blatant male chauvinism.

What surprised him was most people gave similar answers to the “purpose and statement” of their partners. They define the purpose and function of their wives or husbands in reference to themselves and fail to perceive that their own mates might have an existence basically separate from their own or any kind of destiny apart from their marriage.

He said “it’s no wonder that you are all having difficulties in your marriages, and you’ll continue to have difficulties until you come to recognize that each of you has your own separate destiny to fulfil.” I cannot agree more.

He then proceeded to declare the purpose of his wife, Lily - is to grow to be the most of which she is capable, not for my benefit but for her own and to the glory of God.

I could not believe how different it was between Dr. Scott's views against the one that was set upon me before. I felt a lot of anguish for being coerced and measured against some criteria set by someone who declared his love for me. I could not stop crying for a while because I realized then with all the soul, I have a deep desire to have my loved one define my purpose and function is to grow to be the most which I am capable, not for anyone benefit but for my own and to the glory of God.

Someone who realize that each of us have separate destiny to fulfill.

Image Courtesy of iStockphoto.com

6 comments:

Eugenia Soon said...

Hey, I do have some good books to share (if you want) on this topic alone. Didn't know you are actually struggle with it. Drop by at my place anytime you are free. I can bring you to a tour to my mini library. :)

And I have started a blog too. You can visit it at http://yeecheng-gary.blogspot.com/

Cheers

Aw@keN PriNceSs ™ said...

Hey Babe,

End of the day Life is just so simple,is just that sometimes "We" choose not to believe that's the truth.

"Acceptance & Appreciation".is the key.

I'm sure we can walkout of this...

Cheers,
Van

foodwink said...

Add oil Susan!

Sorry to say this, but I'm glad that you're no longer with someone who thinks "the purpose and function of my woman is to keep our house clean and tidy as well as keep me well fed with home-cooked meals".

Aren't we in the 21st century?! Hate all the moulds that other people expect us to fit into. Don't let anyone change your gorgeous self. I really mean this.

Susan said...

Thank you to 3 of you - the wonderful babes (Eugenia, Aw@ken Princess and Foodwink), for your kind words, encouragements and supports.

Ashley said...

Hey Susan,

Be strong, stay strong and happy always!

No one has the right to force you into someone you are not and you are not happy to be!

Hope you get to meet your "Edward Cullen" soon~ :)

Ashley

Susan Lim said...

Thanks, Ashley. When are we going to have a get together?