Saturday, 1 September 2007

7 tips from Dilbert to survive in your workplace

If you want to survive in your workplace, these are the 7 most important tips you need to learn from Dilbert.

1. Do not let your boss call the meeting first
You need to always call for meeting first even though you do not know anything or what actions to take. It is OK that nothing come up in the meeting and everyone is rambling in non-existing direction.

If you do not need to plan anything before calling for a meeting, that will save you more time to surf net and have longer lunch right? Besides, you can always log your time as "brainstorming to come out with great ideas and actions". And, no action need to be taken at all.

If you let your boss call the meeting before you, this will happen:

Let me start today's meeting by accusing you all for being lazy and stupid.

Oh, I am so going to like this meeting. Can we get some dough nuts first you continue to hammer and kick our butts?

2. Answering your boss email is utmost important.
Check your email in every 10 minutes to monitor any emails from your boss. If you receive any email from him, quickly reply within 10 seconds with the message "Noted." - even if you do not know what he is talking about or if you do not intend to do anything about it.

None of you answer the email I sent out 10 minutes ago. That's unacceptable. I can issue warning letter for this kind of conduct.

Let's see, if we spend most of our times monitoring and answering your email every 10 minutes, we will only have 40% time left to do the work of our primary responsibilities.

First of all, waiting and answering my email is your PRIMARY responsibility. Second, if you think I care about your problems, you are dreaming. You can always cut down your bathroom breaks, lunch times and work like on weekends!

3. As you can see, your boss do not care about your problem.
So, shut up and solve the problems yourself. Anyway, if you tell also, your boss won't understand what you are talking about. So, don't waste neither your time or her time.

4. Your boss thinks everything is very easy to do.
That's why you find at most of the time, your boss is very demanding. Actually he IS NOT. He is being very reasonable because the tasks he asks to do are mostly very easy. He can even get some mentally retarded people to do it. So, if you do not want to lose your job to some mentally retarded people (sorry, I am not discriminating against mentally retarded people. I am sure they are very competitive now.), you get your ass down to do it. Just hope that your boss will forget about it after that. If not, be patient and wait for maximum of 10 years, I am sure he definitely will.

Our company has a new strategy. Since our last solution is not selling very well, we want to build a SIMPLE robot that can help humans in any possible way- doing house chores, massaging, shopping, or even the point of having sex with the owner.

That is like super project. When do we need to start?

I NEED it DONE in 3 minutes. I will go out and have one big fat lunch now. Come and see me after lunch to show me the working robot. I will personally test it out for you.

5. If you cannot do your job, your boss can always seek external help.

Dilbert, I have hired contractors from India for this project . From now on, pass all the works to them and free up yourself. This project is very urgent and need to be completed asap.

But I have almost 90% done with the project. I only need 2 more days to complete the project. If I pass to them, I need to explain everything from the beginning to them. That will takes me a week.

I already hired them. So, just do what I tell you.

6. Of course, you always need to do what you are told to do without arguing.
Do not even tell your boss he is wrong even if he is, which is most of the time. Just pray that he will get into his sense one day and realize he is wrong. (maybe after some project failures or people leaving.)

7. Always go to talk to your boss even though you can handle most of the things yourself.
Your boss probably has more experience than you to deal with problems so most probably she can really come out with some good solutions.
Contradict to tip #3, even if you do not actually have a problem, it is advisable to come out with a problem so that your boss can help. That will make her own the project. Otherwise, she can always say "I am not aware of the problem" if there is any problem with the project.

If she cannot come up with the solutions (you need to find problems that you know she can solve in the first place), give her some hints but always make her think she comes up with the solution by herself only.

We have a big problem with the project. A component of the program is delayed and the program need the component to run.

Then, make the program do not need the component to run.

Hope you enjoy this silly posting. Of course, I am just joking about all this. LOL.

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