Monday, 1 October 2007

"You cannot" and "If only I had" voices

I heard a lot of voices from the back of my mind these days.

In the quiet moment of trying to recapitulate what have taken place since I decided to resign until now, I gained a lot of different perspectives. Like a sponge, I absorbed anything that was poured out to me. I chose not to filter out or close out any information, positive or negative. I stored all the information, referring to it when I ponder of stuffs.

But still, I shall not change my mind. People who know me well will know that I am a little too stubborn. When my mind is made up, I seldom change unless I found that I have made a mistake. But some people reminded me on what seem to be like Simone de Beauvoir said in his famous quote: "In the face of an obstacle that is impossible to overcome, stubbornness is stupid."

Someone did ask me whether I will be happy doing what I have chosen to do next. I do not really know how to answer this. The answer is maybe slightly less than obvious. So, this is still unquestionably questionable. Let's put it this way. Do I seem to be really happy doing what I am doing now? I am not unhappy, but I am not really happy either. And this is not that obvious given the fact that nobody know how to define happiness for others as happiness mean different things for different people.
So, does it worth my effort and risk to go out and try other things that I maybe happy?

Well, not to someone. And someone also said this "I can be very successful at the end of the day, but I am just pretending to be someone else". I would have replied, "If I continue on without the change, I maybe just pretending I am happy."

So, I have these voices of "YOU CAN'T! YOU SHOULDN'T! YOU MUSTN'T!" echoing from everywhere. If you are a risk taker or like doing new things like me, you will hear these very often from all the people around you.

I will be fine. For now, I just need to survive my ego on my implied stupidity and pretense. After all, as Glen Beaman said: "Stubbornness does have its helpful features. You always know what you're going to be thinking tomorrow."

Also, I try to lighten up and learn not to take everything so personally. In fact, I have accepted a meeting with open minded even though I knew I was going to hear negative things about my future. Before the meeting, I told myself I have made the decision. Not only I will not change it , I also will not take to heart any attempts to question or doubt my decision. Something that I keep reminding myself to continue to improve my emotional intelligence. Indeed, the meeting has turned out well.

So, I am trying to shut down the "YOU CANNOT" voices and turn it into "YOU CAN".

Also, what I am doing now, I know clearly that I am trying to avoid the "IF ONLY I HAD" voices as explained ever so clearly in this article.
With the wisdom of years comes regret for the road not taken, the too-conservative choices made.
As you think about your career, your life, and your plans for the future; you are, at the very least, going to have to contemplate some uncomfortable choices about yourself, your personal style and your level of happiness. I make no apologies for this - that’s just life. But I contend that it is better to take the time and spend the effort now to improve the choices that you make for later, rather than to have those choices made for you at a time that may not suit you.


Yes, NOW is the time I have to make these difficult choices. Will I be happy? Will I pretend to be who I am not really am? Will I be successful? Will I fail terribly?

I never know. So do all the people in this world. They can speculate, but they do not know the real answer. No one know. That is why I am going to find out. And I take full responsibilities on what will happen in the end. Just ME, enduring all the sufferings if need be - not my family, not my partner and definitely not my boss.

So,

Dear "You cannot" and "If only I had" voices,

LISTEN to me. I am banning you from my life from now on.

Best Regards,
Susan

2 comments:

tracy said...

No worries. our life needs to carry on and changes. We won't know what is going to happen tomorrow, but at least we willing to try. Giving yourself a chance to take the challenge out there, failure will always make you stronger and not weaker, ok? Share with you: "Not to look for the reason of defeat, but to look at the success that has been achieved"

Susan said...

Yeah, very true.

Tracy, when you are getting out to try something new yourself? :)